Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled. If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house. Some points to remember [about animals]: 1. Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, hippopotamuses; 2. Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the front of your clothes; 3. Don't pet certain animals, e.g., crocodiles, scorpions or dogs you have just kicked.

Actor:"I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had everyone glued in their seats!" Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!"

These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.

Although this sentence begins with the word "because", it is false. This line from Shakespeare has delusions of grandeur. The whole point of this sentence is to make clear what the whole point of this sentence is.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.

For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

The silliest woman can manage a clever man; but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.

His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks he had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?" "Sand," said the cyclist. "If you don't mind sir, we'll just take a look at those." The cyclist did as he was told. The guards searched the bags but could find nothing but sand. He continued across the border. Next week the same thing happened. Again the guards demanded to see the two bags, which contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months until it stopped suddenly. Some time later one of the guards happened to meet the cyclist on the street. "Say, you sure drove us crazy. We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I promise I won't rat--I just gotta know: what were you smuggling?" "Bicycles."

One day a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. The student got his test back with $64 change.

"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?"

A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people.

Legend, n.: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.

On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women.

The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. Let others think his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig.

I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall I'll never see a tree at all.

The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex. I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile.

The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it's always a cat.

Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".

I view Louisiana as a misplaced Caribbean state. A bannana republic, really. Politics is entertainment.

You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles.

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.

Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.

First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.

A conservative is one who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.

Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.

Brevity is the soul of wit.

She had lost the art of conversation, but not, unfortunately, the power of speech.

I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again.

In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.

No one in the world speaks blemishless grammar; no one has ever written in--no one, either in the world or out of it (taking the Scriptures for evidence on the latter point); therefore it would not be fair to exact grammatical perfection from the people of the [Mississippi] Valley; but they and all other peoples may justly be required to refrain from knowingly and purposely debauching their grammar.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.

A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

AMAZING BUT TRUE ... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.

You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.

If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.

Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Old chemists never die - they just fail to react.

God is dead - Nietzsche Nietzsche is dead - God

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

I was predestined to be an Arminian. I became a Calvinist of my own free will.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose? Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive through bank machines? If nothing sticks to Teflon how do they get it to stick to the pan? If it's tourist season why can't we shoot them? Why do they sterilize the needles for all lethal injections? What do they use to ship Styrofoam? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Famous last words: 1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 3. I wonder what this button does . . . 4. We won't need reservations. 5. It's always sunny there this time of the year. 6. Don't worry, it's not loaded. 7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make you a manager. 8. Don't worry, I can handle it. 9. You and what army? 10.If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop.

IF THEY CAN call a shoe store the Athlete's Foot, WHY CAN'T THEY call a lingerie store the Yeast Infection?

God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

An American is a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks.

O to be up above With the saints that we love. It will be such a glory, But to be down below With the saints that we know. That's a whole other story.

Flappity, floppity, flip, The mouse on the mobius strip; The strip revolved, The mouse dissolved In a chronodimensional skip.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

The rain it raineth on the just And also on the unjust fella, But chiefly on the just, because The unjust steals the just's umbrella.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

186,282 miles per second: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!

Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

It figures. If there is Artificial Intelligence, then there's bound to be some artificial stupidity.

Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4.

When I am right nobody remembers... When I am wrong nobody forgets!

If you can't tie good knots... tie many.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

Lust is rooted in biology, love is a matter of chemistry, and sex is a matter of physics. To really get kinky, however, requires engineering.

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me.

Numbers are like people; torture them enough and they'll tell you anything.

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll fix it in software." How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll document it in the manual." How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "The user can work it out."

Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.

"It's easier said than done." ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done".

Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

I really hate this damned machine I wish that they would sell it. It never does quite what I want But only what I tell it.

A computer, to print out a fact, Will divide, multiply, and subtract. But this output can be No more than debris, If the input was short of exact.

Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.

BUMPER STICKERS: Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." Cover me. I'm changing lanes. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car... I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Honk if you love peace and quiet. Think honk if you're a telepath.

Ways to say someone is stupid: 1) He couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 2) His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 3) A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 4) The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Heisenberg may have slept here.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.

Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Predestination was doomed from the start.

AMAZING BUT TRUE ... If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.

Whether we like it or not, or system is not so much one of checks and balances as it is one of checks, and checks, and sometimes cash.

Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.

In the Force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he?

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

The antichrist will come from a church league team.

The three laws of thermodynamics: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.

Finagle's First Law: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to their own pet theory. Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Laws of Experimentation: 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. 3. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it pleases. 4. If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably get run over by a bus. PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals. ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people. LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor. VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of that old underwear you own. LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal diseases. SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal. CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they take root and become trees.

Accordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats. Armadillo, v.: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass". Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it. Bug, n.: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls. Bureaucrat, n.: A politician who has tenure. Cigarette, n.: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between. Commitment, n.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. Real Time, adj.: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then. Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.

A guest preacher began his sermon in this manner: "As I understand it, my job is to preach, and your job is to listen. If you finish before I do, please let me know."

A little boy keeps on making ugly faces at his classmates. Finally the teacher warned him, "Jonathan, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces I would stay that way." The little boy looked at her face and said, "It must be true."

In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it --"THINK!" The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read --"THOAP!"

Trust the computer industry to shorten "Year 2000" to Y2K. It was this kind of thinking that caused the problem in the first place.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK: 12% Monday 23% Tuesday 40% Wednesday 20% Thursday 5% Friday

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up. The rabbi,learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Isn't the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat said, "Then the tradition is to sit during Shema!" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." Then the rabbi said to the old man, "But the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..." The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the tradition!"

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women, cover your ears and stop listening. Men, pay close attention. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're hearing this, this brings up another point: women never follow directions either.

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense and the past perfect.

25 things I have learned in 50 years (by Dave Barry) 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 6. A penny saved is worthless. 7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies. 8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers. 10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. 11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers. 14. Nobody is normal. 15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: * The universe is even bigger than they thought! * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong. 16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: * If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes. 19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 20. You should not confuse your career with your life. 21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 24. Your friends love you anyway. 25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day. If you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

A story about a student named Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, who was admitted at the prestigious Oxford University, and was now living in the hall of residence in his first year there. His clan was so excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit (no doubt carrying reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.) "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied in his thick brogue. "They're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams, away into the night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."

An Irishman named O'Malley was at his doctor. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, "I have bad news. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two to four weeks to live," O'Malley was shocked. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son. We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live; I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them marrying your mother after I'm gone."

Top 8 Signs your Significant Other is an Agent of SATAN 8> Constantly doing aerobics to "Sweatin' To The Eternal Fires of Damnation" video. 7> C'mon -- do you really think *God* would find a partner for a loser like you? 6> Brimstone and fire and the smell of sulfur every night, even when he hasn't had Taco Bell. 5> Claims she got that "Roast Suckling Child" recipe by watching Martha Stewart. 4> Uses a toaster to keep the bathwater hot. 3> You say, "I'd sell my soul for a good bagel in this town"; she pulls out a receipt pad. 2> The head rotating, the screaming and cursing, the pea soup vomit... and it's not even that time of the month! 1> While playing Go Fish, she asks, "Got any souls?"

What is the difference between Capitalism and Communism? With Capitalism, man exploits man. With Communism, it's the other way around. Under Communism speech is strictly regulated, so opinion goes unheard. Under Capitalism speech is totally free, so opinion goes unheard.

Where there's smoke there's fire, but where there's a vague fishy odor, it could be any number of things.

RELATIVISTIC SLEIGH RIDE. The December 11 1998 issue of Fermi News seeks to answer the perennial question of how Santa Claus can, in the course of a single night, deliver gifts to each of the world's 2 billion children. Even if a fullscale quantum computer were to work out the optimum course plan St. Nick must still cover a flight path of some 160 million km and stop at 800 million homes along the way. How does he do it? By traveling at close to the speed of light, of course, which, incidentally, also explains why (thanks to time dilation) Santa never seems to age. The Fermi News article helpfully addresses such questions as to how it is that the fat fellow can fit into Lorentz-contracted chimneys in the first place and how one can determine the color of the Doppler- shifted light emitted by Rudolph-the-rednosed-reindeer at sleigh velocities approching the speed of light.

> There was still one aspect of the whole concept of a ravioli-loaded railgun type wepon which we, lolling about late on a weeknight, with only a few neurons randomly firing, could not resolve. Would a chunk of metal (can of ravioli) impacting another, larger, rest mass structure (star destroyer) produce an "explosion" effect, or simply punch an appropriately shaped hole as it passed through? Bill? What am I, the neighborhood blast physicist??? Well, maybe... :-) It all depends on speed of impact versus the speed of sound in the target (what is called the Mach number, where Mach 1 means the speed of sound, Mach 2 is twice the speed of sound, etc), and the speed of the ravioli versus the speed of light in the target (which I'll call the Cerenkov number, where Cerenkov 1 is the speed of light in anything; Cerenkov 1.3 is the speed of high-energy protons in a water-cooled reactor (that's why you get that nifty blue glow), and you can get up to Cerenkov 2.4 using diamonds and nuclear accellerators. In the late 40's people used to talk about Cerenkov numbers, but they don't anymore. Pity.). Lastly, there's the ravioli velocity expressed as a fraction of the speed of light in a vacuum (that is, as a fraction of "c"). "C" velocities are always between 0 and 1. At low speeds (REAL low) the ravioli will simply flow over the surface, yielding a space-cruiser with a distinctly Italian paint job. Faster (still well below speed-of-sound in the target) the metal of the space-cruiser's skin will distort downward, making what we Boston drivers call a "small dent". Faster still, you may have a "big dent" or maybe even a "big dent with a hole in the middle", caused by the ravioli having enough energy to push the dent through, stretching and thinning the hull metal till the metal finally tears in the middle of the dent. Getting up past Mach 1 (say, 5000 feet/sec for steel), you start to get punch-a-hole-shaped-like-the-object effects, because the metal is being asked to move faster than the binding forces in the object can propagate the "HEY! MOVE!" information. (After all, sound is just the binding forces between atoms in a material moving the adjacent atoms -- and the speed of sound is how fast the message to "move" can propagate.) From this, we see that WileE Coyote often reached far-supersonic speeds because he often punched silhouette-type holes in rocks, cliffs, trucks, etc. Around Mach 4 or so, another phenomenon starts -- compressive heating. This is where the leading edge of the ravioli actually starts being heated by compression (remember PV=nRT, the ideal gas law?) Well, ravioli isn't a gas, but under enough pressure, ravioli behaves as a gas. It is compressed at the instant of impact and gets hot -- very hot. Likewise, the impact point on the hull is compressed and gets hot. Both turn to gasses -- real gasses, glowing-white-hot gasses. The gasses expand spherically, causing crater-like effects, including a raised rim and a basically parabolic shape. In the center of the crater, some material is vaporized, then there's a melt zone, then a larger "bent" zone, and the raised rim is caused because the gas expansion bubble center point (the bending force) is actually *inside* the hull plate. If the hull plate isn't thick enough, then the gas-expansion bubble pushes through to the other side, and you get a structural breach event (technically speaking, a "big hole") in the side of the space-cruiser. Compressive heating really hits the stride up around 20,000 feet/sec (Mach 4 in steel, Mach 15 in air) and continues as a major factor all the way up to the high fractional Cerenkov speeds, where nuclear forces begin to take effect. Aside: the "re-entry friction heating" that spacecraft endure when the reenter the atmosphere is NOT friction. It's really compressive heating of the air in the path. As long as the spacecraft is faster than Mach 1, the air can't know to get out of the way, so it bunches up in front of the spacecraft. When you squeeze any gas, it gets hot. So, the glowing "reentry gas" is really just squeezed air, which heats the spacecraft heat shield by conduction and infrared. The hypersonic ravioli can be expected to behave similarly. As we increase speed from the high Mach numbers (about 10 miles/sec) all the way up to about 150,000 miles/sec, not much different happens except that the amount of kinetic energy (which turns into compressive heat) increases. This is a huge range of velocity, but it's uninteresting velocity. At high fractional Cerenkov speeds, the ravioli is now beginning to travel at relativistic velocities. Among other things, this means that the ravioli is aging more slowly than usual, and the ravioli can looks compressed in the direction of travel. But that's really not important right now. As we pass Cerenkov 1.0 in the target, we get a new phenomenon -- Cerenkov radiation. This is that distinctive blue glow seen around water-cooled reactors. It's just (relatively) harmless light (harmless compared to the other blast effects, that is). I mention it only because it's so nifty... At around .9 c (Cerenkov 1.1) , the ravioli starts to perceptibly weigh more. It's just a relativistic mass increase -- all the additional weight is actually energy, available to do compressive heating upon impact. The extra weight is converted to heat energy according to the equation E=mc^2; it looks like compressive heating but it's not. [Here's where I'm a little hazy on the numbers; I'm at work and don't have time to rederive the Lorentz transformations.] At around .985 c (Cerenkov 1.2 or so), the ravioli now weighs twice what it used to weigh. For a one pound can, that's two pounds... or about sixty megatons of excess energy. All of it turns to heat on impact. Probably very little is left of the space-cruiser. At around .998 c, the impacting ravioli begins to behave less like ravioli and more like an extremely intense radiation beam. Protons in the water of the ravioli begin to successfully penetrate the nuclei of the hull metal. Thermonuclear interactions, such as hydrogen fusion, may take place in the tomato sauce. At around .9998 c, the ravioli radiation beam is still wimpy as far as nuclear accellerator energy is concerned, but because there is so much of it, we can expect a truly powerful blast of mixed radiation coming out of the impact site. Radiation, not mechanical blast, may become the largest hazard to any surviving crew members. At around .9999999 c, the ravioli radiation may begin to produce "interesting" nuclear particles and events (heavy, short-lived particles). At around .999999999999 c, the ravioli impact site may begin to resemble conditions in the original "big bang"; equilibrium between matter and energy; free pair production; antimatter and matter coexisting in equilibrium with a very intense gamma-ray flux, etc.[1] Past that, who knows? It may be possible to generate quantum black holes given a sufficiently high velocity can of ravioli. --Bill [1]According to physicist W. Murray, we may also expect raining frogs, plagues of locusts, cats and dogs living together, real Old Testament destruction. You get the idea...

"I was in New Hampshire with my family at a pizza place. The kid working there goes, 'Hey, you look like Adam Sandler.' I said, 'Yeah, I know.' He goes, 'What's your name?' I go 'Adam Sandler.' And he goes, 'Whoa, that's a coincidence.'"

MEN & WOMEN COMPARED NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Of course, you could do even better with a dead squirrel.

A penny saved may be a penny earned, but it's a waste of a deposit slip and it really pisses off the bank tellers.

Here's to you, and here's to me, Friends may we always be! But if perchance we don't agree, To hell with you, and here's to me!

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book." "How current is your copy?" he asks. "I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?" "I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet." "I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?" The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next. "So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!" St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?" "About three minutes ago."

AT THE END How the Media Would Handle the End of the World USA Today: WE'RE DEAD Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, Together Again Inc. Magazine: 10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour Sports Illustrated: Game Over Ladies Home Journal: Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with Our New "Armageddon" Diet! Cosmopolitan: How to Drive Your Man Wild in the Afterlife TV Guide: Death and Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar! Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life, as we know it, affect the way we view the cosmos? Microsoft Systems Journal: Netscape Loses Market Share Microsoft's Web Site: If you don't experience the rapture, DOWNLOAD software patch RAPT777.EXE. America Online: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes. Money Magazine: Mortgage Rates and Property Values Hit All Time Low.

Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh.

I asked my friend if I could have his encyclopedias, because he's married now and his wife knows everything.

The Top 13 Suprising Nostradamus Predictions for the Year 2000 13> And the empire of the Great Nerd of the West shall crumble, when the thinking machines are destroyed by two millenniums of insects. 12> The Anti-Christ will lose in personal combat with a small purple purse-carrying being with a triangle on its head. 11> The Empire of the Right shall be led by a simpleton who knoweth not the spelling of the fruits of the earth. 10> Women will take fitness advice from a hyperactive frizzy-haired man of questionable heterosexuality. 9> A man made of wood will lead the great nation of the eagle. 8> Devastation, fire, sword, pillage befalls the Elephant and the two-faced cow known as Linda. 7> In a town known as Slidell, in a place called Louisiana, in a country designated the United States, there will be an eatery referred to as Taco Bell, that will eventually fill a drive-thru order correctly. 6> The one-gloved king of the land known as Pop will form an unholy union with a particularly naughty chimpanzee. 5> A child will repeatedly conquer death, and his name shall be Kenny. 4> Joy and happiness reign supreme as five billion people realize they'll never again have to listen to a much-despised song by an ex-Prince. 3> Cubs win! Cubs win! Cubs win! 2> A giant, fiery ball will drop from the skies onto the Square of Times in the New City of York, causing much screaming and wailing. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Suprising Nostradamus Prediction for the Year 2000... 1> As the new millennium approaches, morons will cry out and hoard large quantities of food.

One day, Eve was walking in the garden with the Lord. She said, "Lord, the garden is wonderful, and the animals and birds provide such joy, but I am still lonely sometimes." "No problem!" the Lord replied. "I will make you a man for a companion. He will desire to please you and to be with you. But I have to warn you, he won't be perfect. He'll have a difficult time understanding you're feelings, will tend to think only of himself if allowed to, and will stay out late with his bowling buddies." "What's bowling?" Eve asked. "Oh... never mind. I was just getting ahead of myself, sorry." "That's OK. I think I can handle this 'man'," Eve replied. "Great, I'll get right to it!" God said, and started grabbing some mud and shaping it. Suddenly, the Lord stopped and said to Eve, "Oh, there's one other thing about this man I'm making for you." "What's that?" asked Eve. "You'll have to tell him he was here first."

Bum: Could you spare a couple of bucks? Man: Will you buy booze? Bum: No. Man: Will you gamble it away? Bum: No. Man: Okay, but you gotta come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble…

A boy whose mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting his thumb with lemon juice to discourage him sucking it, was finally told, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old walked up to her, considered her gravely for a minute, then said, "Naughty ... I know what *you've* been doing."

How Things REALLY Work Grand Prize Winner: When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. Runners-up: If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. Honorable Mentions: Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis. The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill. The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

12 Least Popular Gifts for your Pets (by species) 12> Rabbit: "Fatal Attraction" video 11> Opossum or armadillo: "Roadkill Cafe" T-shirt 10> Porcupine: full-body massage 9> Sparrow: "Hitting Windows for Dummies" 8> Mole: cosmetics from the Cindy Crawford Collection 7> Sheep: inflatable Scotsman 6> Centipede: 50 pairs of 5-inch heel open toe pumps 5> Beaver: crotchless panties 4> Baboon: a thong bikini 3> Hyena: any Steve Gutenberg movie 2> Rabbit: Raisinets and Topfive.com's Number 1 Least Popular Gift in the Animal Kingdom... 1> Snail: Salt 'n' Pepa CD

Why the hell doesn't anyone make brown underwear?

Scientists say they're trying to clone Rhesus monkeys in an effort to provide a genetically identical supply of animals for research. "The clones would be reproduced from tiny bits of the existing monkeys' DNA, also known as Rhesus pieces."

If it's true that "Early to bed and early to rise makes you healthy, wealthy, and wise", why are chickens so poor and stupid?

If I had to be either omniscient or omnipotent, I would choose omnipotent, because that way I could beat up all those know-it-alls.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done.

Vacuuming is so much more fun when the hamsters are loose.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. : And pygmies are really grateful.

U.S. Populace Lurches Methodically Through the Motions for Yet Another Day The wall-eyed, slack-jawed U.S. populace, beaten down into a state of near-catatonia by the relentlessly deadening banality of their joyless, insipid lives, dutifully trudged through the motions for yet another emotionally blank day Monday, sources reported. Against all logic, the nation's citizenry, their insides withering away with each passing moment, somehow managed to continue filling out invoices, shopping for footwear, loading dishwashers, eating Whoppers, pressing buttons, watching reality-based TV programs, vacuuming floors, engaging in conversations about petty office politics, riding buses, sitting in traffic, mailing letters, and tending to the little rubber mats people wipe their feet on as they enter the lobby areas of vast, windowless industrial complexes. How they managed to do it, no one can say. The populace's minor victory of continuing to participate in the meaningless charade that is their lives, sources said, was rendered all the more futile by the inescapable realization that they must do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and so on and so on unceasingly until the day they inevitably die. "Hello, Tri-State Amalgamated Office Supply, a division of Global Tetrahedron International Unlimited, customer-service hotline, can you please hold?" said 37-year-old Sandy Lindemeyer of Garland, TX, barely summoning the strength to push the button activating her headset. The incident marked the 13,227th time she has uttered the pre-scripted greeting. After hearing a heavy sigh on the other end of the line, followed by a barely audible reply of "Yes," Lindemeyer somehow found the will to press a second button, patching the person into a pre-recorded, continuous message loop telling the caller, Lindemeyer's 714th of the week, that his or her call was important to Tri-State Amalgamated Office Supply and would be answered by the next available customer-service representative. Elsewhere, in the suburban wasteland of Schaumburg, IL, frigid housewife Ellen Campion, 42, her face an impenetrable mask of detachment, drove her 1991 Toyota Camry through a seemingly endless sprawl of strip malls and convenience stores, eventually arriving at the bloated expanse known as Woodfield Mall, where she purchased a pair of shoes. "This morning, as my husband and I stared blankly at each other's faces over breakfast, I mentioned that I saw an ad in the paper for a sale on ladies' footwear at Marshall Field's. He asked if I was planning to go, and I told him I guessed maybe," Campion said. "So after he dragged himself to work and I gazed at the wall for a few hours, I went to the sale." Looking down at her feet, Campion added, "They're nice shoes, I suppose." "Today is Wednesday," said Waltham, MA, resident Gregory Pafko, 50, an actuary for a screen-door manufacturing company in nearby Plovis. "Wednesday is 'Hump Day.' If I can get through Hump Day, I'll have made it halfway through the week." "Then again," Pafko added, "every day is Hump Day, really." Later, as he does every day, Pafko headed to the company bathroom and sat for 20 minutes with a loaded gun in his mouth. Once the shakes subsided, he removed the bullets from the gun and returned to his desk. According to experts, as American society slides ever-downward into the swirling vortex of nothingness that saps our wills, numbs our hearts and freezes our very souls in an impenetrable layer of black, icy futility, the importance of going through the motions only grows. "As James Joyce showed in his classic novel of modernity Ulysses, just making it through one day in this world constitutes a heroic achievement," Yale University English professor M. Clement Voorhees said. "God knows how unrewarding it is for us to endure each day's pointless, relentless barrage of non-events. I'm surprised we're able to do it at all. But continuing to go through the motions is crucial, because if everyone stopped faking, we'd.... Voorhees then trailed off, remaining silent for several moments while rubbing his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said. "I forgot what I was going to say." In a perfunctory attempt to acknowledge the nation's collective pyrrhic victory, President Clinton thanked and congratulated the populace Monday for continuing to participate in the meaningless fictions that comprise their daily existences. "My fellow Americans," Clinton told a national television audience, "you have truly accomplished a great feat today. By continuing to get out of bed, wash yourselves, dress, work, shop, watch COPS, surf the Net with WebTV, and put food into your bodies at regular intervals to sustain your metabolic functions, you have shown the world just how willing-to-live the American people can pretend to be." Following the broadcast, the president endured several minutes of smiling handshakes before excusing himself to the Oval Office restroom, where he splashed water on his face, leaned on the sink and stared unblinkingly into his weathered, exhausted reflection, wondering how he was going to face the next day. (c) Copyright 1999 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.

We found the following in this month's (sometime in 99--Glen) Atlantic Monthly Word Watch column in "a selection of terms that have newly been coined, that have recently acquired new currency, or that have taken on new meanings, compiled by the executive editor of the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language": "Zarf, meaning unknown: "Effective immediately the term Zarf will be treated as UNCLASSIFIED when standing alone or in conjunction with a classification marking. This action applied ONLY to the term Zarf. Information protected by the Zarf codeword will continue to require protection (National Security Agency email reprinted in the Washington Post Magazine)" According to the Atlantic Monthly this is not the first time the government has declassified a term without divulging its meaning. The memo declassifying Zarf was obtained through the Freedom of Information Act. The National Security Agency has declined to comment. The Atlantic Monthly writes: "Zarf is an anomaly in this space, which generally discusses new words whose definitions are in some way revealing about societal or other trends: Zarf is a new word whose LACK of a definition is revealing." The word lacks an unclassified definition in English. We are curious what the word means in other languages. In Persian, for example, the word means "dish". In Turkish the word means a protective cover or an envelope. Did some National Security Analyst/Linguist snarf this Turkish word and extend its meaning? We would appreciate hearing what the word means in other languages. Karine Megerdoomian Ron Zacharski New Mexico State University Las Cruces, New Mexico

The following are from the Washington Post Style Invitational (a weekly contest for readers). The idea is to redefine words from the dictionary. Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Carcinoma--n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog. Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly--adj., impotent. Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained. Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly.answer the door in your nightie. Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash. Bustard--n., a very rude Metrobus driver. Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon. Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Internet--n., the web of interns in which Ken Starr has tried to snare Bill Clinton. Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle--n., a humorous question on an exam. Semantics--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers. Rectitude--n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he or she examines you. Macadam--n., the first man on Earth, according to the Scottish bible. Marionettes--n., residents of Washington, DC, who have been jerked around by the mayor. Circumvent--n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his or her conversation with Yiddish expressions.

YOUNG WISDOM Outta the Mouths of Babes A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom." ---------- Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet." ---------- A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal." ---------- "Can people predict the future with cards? My mother can. Yeah, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home." ---------- A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

Dog Haiku Today I sniffed Many dog behinds-I celebrate By kissing your face. I lie belly-up In the sunshine, happier than You ever will be My human is home! I am so ecstatic I have Made a puddle The cat is not all Bad-she fills the litter box With Tootsie Rolls My owners' mood is Romantic-I lie near their Feet. I fart a big one.

You know what seems odd to me? Numbers that aren't divisible by two.

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the father asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Mom says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of sex."

The following is a list (very abbreviated) of some sugar foods, and a short explanation as to their properties and purposes. Read only if you are in a humorous frame of mind. ALTOIDS--A cheap substitute for more dangerous addictives, altoid users are among the most common of substance abusers. They are easy to spot with their bulging pockets, noisy nasal breathing, and lack of friends. The fact that they have no friends is often attributed to a compelling desire on their part to push their product. Their common conversational opener is, "Have an altoid?" Beware of these menaces to society. Altoids are very easy to get into and very hard to kick, so play it safe and "Just say NO!" ATOMIC FIREBALLS--As the name implies, this candy's calm, cool red exterior disguises a very potent nature. These are generally sucked by young adults in a vain attempt to prove toughness. Experts claim atomic fireballs can be used as substitutes for matches, lighters, and flashlights. A common sign of overexposure to this 'candy' is redness and swelling of the tongue, accompanied by loss of breath and uncontrollable weeping. Some people compete to find who can withstand the most at one time. Only fools and madmen would even consider trying this. I personally have gotten up to three. BUBBLE YUM--A total waste of money, this 'gum', as the package maliciously identifies itself, has all the cohesive properties of a paper towel. Within twenty minutes of entering your mouth, Bubble Yum will have totally dissolved into nothing but a mouthful of saliva and loose fibers. It is as disgusting as it sounds. CANDY CANES--The only lethal weapon NOT on the Defense Department's list of lethal weapons, it is a well known fact among minors that the tip of the candy cane may be sucked down to a point comparable to that of a blow dart, only larger. A favorite tool for poking teachers, annoying roommates, and the guy who, up until a few moments ago, was sitting in your seat on the bus. EVERLASTING GOBSTOPPERS--Available in a multitude of colors, these sweets are a cross between the Chinese water torture and the Duracell Bunny: they keep going and going and going until you either die of boredom or wear a hole in your tongue. LAFFY TAFFY--A useful substitute for super glue, a chemical reaction occurs whenever this candy comes in contact with saliva, bonding it permanently to your teeth. This problem has given rise to a new strain of dentists who operate only on Laffy Taffy trauma. A common misconception is that the term 'lockjaw' applies to some other condition of the face. It does not. MINCE MEAT PIE--A favorite among do-it-yourself cooks, this item is just as delicious as it sounds. One warning: never ask about the ingredients! The answer to this query has caused hardened Thanksgivers to weep, wail, gnash teeth...and worse. Should you accidentally come upon a victim, there will be no need to induce vomiting. Call a surgeon at the local ER but don't go into any details or they will be of no help to you, either. PUMKIN PIE--Another favorite around Thanksgiving, from October to January, Pumkin Pie will be as common as sand in your shoes after a trip to the beach, and twice as annoying. The easiest way to avoid it is to exclaim, "Aunt Martha! Aunt Martha! I thought you were joking about poisoning your pie! Now which one of these was your's?" SNICKERS--A wonderful treat to take with you on your backpacking trip. The layers of caramel and chocolate will sweep you away in a wave of ecstasy, revitalizing and renewing as it carries you along. The only downside is that it melts in extreme heat, extreme heat being any temperature above freezing. After a long hike, Snickers has the tendency to explode from the package upon opening. A simple remedy is to open the package away from yourself and camp. A tent is difficult to role up after having received a coating of Snickers. TWINKIES--The long distance champion, Twinkies are known for their longevity of life. Expiration dates are so far in the future as to be unnecessary. A Twinky was found in an Egyptian pyramid, unmoldy and quite fresh. The fact that it had been stored in a clay jar seemed to make no difference in taste, as the archeologist who sampled it was heard to state, "MMMMmmmmnnnnngggguuuhhh!

BAD HEADLINES, part 1 Double Meanings From Around The World ~ March Planned For Next August ~ Blind Bishop Appointed To See ~ Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip ~ L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide ~ Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through ~ Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al. ~ Diaper Market Bottoms Out ~ Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal" ~ Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest ~ Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped ~ Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters ~ Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based ~ Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store ~ Prostitutes Appeal to Pope ~ Teacher Strikes Idle Kids ~ Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice ~ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant ~ Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin ~ Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years ~ Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One ~ Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man ~ Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy ~ Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better ~ 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar ~ War Dims Hope For Peace ~ If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While ~ Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures ~ Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation ~ Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years ~ Man is Fatally Slain ~ Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say ~ Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation ~ Flaming Toilet Seat Causes Evacuation at High School ~ Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence ~ Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers ~ House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate ~ Police Discover Crack in Australia ~ Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan ~ Many Antiques Seen at D.A.R. Meeting ~ William Kelly, 87, was Fed Secretary ~ Collegians are Turning to Vegetables ~ Scientists to Have Ford's Ear ~ Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water ~ Hershey Bars Protest ~ County Officials to Talk Rubbish ~ Carter Plans Swell Deficit ~ Caribbean Islands Drift to Left ~ Farmer Bill Dies in House ~ Iraqi Head Seeks Arms ~ Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted ~ Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case ~ Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents ~ Stud Tires Out ~ British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands ~ Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms ~ Eye Drops off Shelf ~ Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead ~ Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim ~ Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 ~ Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax ~ Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told ~ Miners Refuse to Work after Death ~ Stolen Painting Found by Tree ~ Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies ~ Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over ~ Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter ~ Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One ~ Drunken Drivers Paid $1,000 in `84 ~ Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide ~ Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge ~ Deer Kill 17,000 ~ Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead ~ Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge ~ New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group ~ Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft ~ Kids Make Nutritious Snacks ~ Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy ~ Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire ~ British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply ~ Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood ~ Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees ~ Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half ~ New Vaccine May Contain Rabies ~ Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing ~ Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing ~ Air Head Fired ~ Steals Clock, Faces Time ~ Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff ~ Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni ~ Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board ~ Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors ~ Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction ~ Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training ~ Include your Children when Baking Cookies

You wrote: >Hey Hector, > >This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings. > >Thanks, >Laocoon > >TO: Trojan Army Listserv <Trojans-L@troy.org> >RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!> >WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! > >IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN >HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY >DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY! > >The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. >It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be >abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is >incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of >heavily-armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, >and kill your women and children. If you have already received >such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set >fire to it by the beach. > >FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW! > >Poseidon Dearest Laocoon : I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax: 1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" stuff. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans? 2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway. 3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious. 4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite yourentire city. A horse is just an animal, after all. Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is. Bye now, Hector

The Top 15 Slogans That Never Quite Caught On 15> Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err." 14> Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?" 13> Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum." 12> MTV: "Loud and easy to spell." 11> Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be Stupid!" 10> Iguana: "The other green meat." 9> Penis Enlargement Specialists: "It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing!" 8> Nike: "Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!" 7> Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years." 6> Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!" 5> Pepto Bismol: "Squash the Squirts!" 4> Trojans: "Just add meat." 3> Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!" 2> Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!" and Topfive.com's Number 1 Slogan That Never Quite Caught On... 1> Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?" "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com"

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Skunked at Love? Try These Lines To Woo Your Favorite Valentines by Rachel Emma Silverman Ah, Valentine's Day - the jour d'amour. And who better represents romance than that Gallic gallant himself, Pepe Le Pew? Monsieur Le Pew, a dapper skunk, arrived on the big screen in January 1945 in the Warner Bros. cartoon "Odor-able Kitty." His creator was animator Chuck Jones, who also dreamed up Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote. An early Pepe film, "For Scent-imental Reasons," won the 1949 Academy Award for best animated short. Since then, Pepe has starred in almost 20 cartoons, including "Little Beau Pepe" and "Past Parfumance." Throughout his oeuvre, the story's the same: A desperate skunk chases after a series of skunk-striped cats - "zee king-sized belle femme skunk fatales" Penelope, Fifi, Fabrette and Felice - and woos them vigorously in Franglais. Sadly, his ardor can't mask his odor, rendering his pursuit futile. Still, Pepe's been at it for over 50 years. This Sunday, why not try some of his bons mots and let those pheromones fly. Just remember to wash with scented soap first. ICEBREAKERS "Permit me to introduce myself. I am Pepe Le Pew, your lover." SWEET NOTHINGS "You are my peanut, I am your brittle!" "Ah, my leetle much ado about somezing. [kiss, kiss] Ah, my leetle lost labor's love." "Where are you, my leetle gumbo of chicken? Your French fried shrimp is sizzling for you." "You may call me Streetcar, because of my desire for you!" "Where are you, my leetle objet d'art? I am going to collect you!" SELF-AFFIRMATION "You know, eet eez possible to be too attractive!" [Pepe declared this as he was being chased by an amorous cat.] "You know, most men would get discouraged about now. ... Fortunately for you, I am not most men." "Ah, my darling, I love you. Where have I been all your life?" LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD "I'll tell you what: You stop resisting me, and I'll stop resisting you." "If you have not tried eet, do not knock eet!" "You are zee corned beef to me, I am zee cab-baj to you. Zee cab-baj do not run away from zee corned beef!" DEEP THOUGHTS "One nice thing eez, the game of love eez never called on account of darkness." "Sometimes I ask myself, `Eez it really worth eet?' And I answer myself, `Yes!'" (WSJ 12-Feb-1999)

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0, and I can find no documentation on several features. For example, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as RunAnywhere 10.3 and StayOut 2.5 cause freezes, and the new program has also spawned a couple unexpected child processes that have taken up a lot of space and resources. I had thought about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but there is no "revert to previous state" feature. Can you help me? On my knees, K. Lewis --- Dear K. Lewis, This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is actually an entire OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING! DO NOT try to: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disasterious, resulting in the loss of valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. There is no backdoor; some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 and found the proplems persist, or even tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the back-ground while Wife 1.0 is running. Inevitably, a system conflict occurs; possibly leading to a non-recoverable system crash. We recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and adjust a few user input parameters. I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). Should a GPF occur, the best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button AS SOON AS lock-up occurs. The system will run smooth as long as you provide needed maintenance time. It is possible to free up CPU time; be sure that several of your search and scan routines are stopped. Because of the unique system each copy runs on, no one manual will cover all enabled features. New users should first consult with those who have been running Wife 1.0 for many years before installing a copy yourself. You might consider joining one of our established local users group to discuss your specific configuration. Remember, the installation of Wife 1.0 can allow maximum system potential. Killer apps Contentment 2.5 and Reliability 6.12a have been known to max out when run with TLC 2 and Communicator 5.0. There are no plans for upgrades; Wife 1.0 was designed to work for a lifetime. Sincerely, The development team. - By laughalot-owner@laughalot.com (From similar ideas, unknown sources)

In a lecture, Werner von Braun once said "Ve haf alvays been aiming for zer stars" and a little voice at the back replied "But ve keep hittink London."

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 a throw on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

Haircuts - The difference between men and women: * Women's Version: * Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cuuuuute! Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman 2: Oh no, it's perfect! I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this style, I think. Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute on you. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman 2: Oh, now *that's* funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Woman 2: Do you think so? Oh, you're just saying that! Woman 1: No! Really, I mean it... * Men's Version: * Man 2: Haircut? Man 1: Ummhmm.

If I were going to burglarize a place that had guard dogs, I'd do it during a thunderstorm and bring a vacuum cleaner.

After taking the test and failing it three times, I thought to myself, "Maybe I'm not meant to be an I.Q."

A Miami man, whose name was B.J. had been dying to go to the Super Bowl, and by luck (and $500 to a scalper) he was able to get in. But his seat was up in the nosebleed section, tucked in the corner of the stadium; his best view was of the Goodyear Blimp! Luckily, he had brought his binoculars with him, and during the first quarter, it caught his eye that there was an empty seat 8 rows from the field off the 50-yard line! By the end of the quarter, he just couldn't stand it, and got up and made his way around the stadium, slipped past the ticket-checkers, and found the empty seat. B.J. asked the man beside the seat if it was taken, and the reply came like music to his ears; "No, you're welcome to sit here." His pulse shot up and he practically had a seizure, but he managed to get into the seat and regain his composure... Mostly. "I can't believe it! Who would have missed the Super Bowl with seats like these?!? This is the most amazing experience of my life!" The man beside him suddenly became very somber, and told him, "Actually, the seat belongs to me, too. My wife and I were planning on being here together, but, she just recently passed away. Oh, we were always crazy about football, in fact, this is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married, 28 years ago." A tear was forming in his eye, when the second quarter began and the man's attention was quickly drawn to chearing (and jumping) for his team's first rush. After the tackle, the man settled back into his seat, and B.J. felt he should reply. "Oh, I'm sorry. That's really sad," he said, "but still, couldn't you find anyone to take this seat? A relative, or close friend of the family?" "No," the man replied, pausing again and bowing his head slightly, "They're all at the funeral."

A woman at the post office one day sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter, methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Once they're all stamped, the man takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them. Her curiosity getting the better of her, she goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. He says "I'm sending out 1,000 valentines signed, 'You know who'." "But why?" asks the woman. "It's my job. I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. Boy, you can't trust anything anymore, can you? Really--you can't trust anything anymore Internet email Government Friends Romantic relationships Yourself Is there anything worthy of trust today? Anything we can rely on?

There was this magician of some repute who was hired to do his act aboard a cruise ship. He had been there for several years, and since the crowd was in continual change, he did the same act over and over. He enjoyed the good life in this sinecure, spending most his time out on the Promenade Deck working on his tan, not new tricks. One day the Captain bought a parrot, and over the months brought the parrot with him to see the nightly magic show. Being a smart parrot, the bird learned all the tricks as to where the cards, flower, ect. were hidden by the magician in his act. The bird would say, "the card is up his left sleeve, the flower is under the pot, he hid the money under his shoe..." Because the parrot would only take about a week to catch on to his magic tricks, the magician was *forced* to continually learn new ones, which was getting harder and harder by the day, and really cramping his "sun time." To put it mildly he HATED THE DARN PARROT, but since it was the Captain's he couldn't just weigh the bird down and deep six it. Late one night the engine room exploded and the ship sank within minutes. Miraculously, the magician found himself clinging to a timber, floating in the water at 0200 dark in the morning. Alas, he was the only one left alive! As the sun came up the next morning and he turned around what should be sitting 20 feet away on the opposite end of the log - his arch nemesis, the Parrot! They glared at each other and said nothing. This went on for three days and neither said a word, just glared. On the Fourth Day the Parrot finally broke the silence and said, "OK! I give up - what did you do with the ship!"

If it's free, it's advice It you pay, it's counseling If you take out a loan, it's education

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

This month's Handy Vocabulary Word is "didapper." The American Heritage Dictionary (Third College Edition) gives this definition for "didapper": A small grebe, such as the dabchick.

Things You Never Would Hear Your Jewish Mother Say: "Be good and on Hanukah I'll get You a BB gun!" "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back." "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve." "Let me smell that shirt - yeah, it's good for another week." "I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity." "Yeah, I used to skip school, too." "Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house more cheery." "Could you turn the music up louder, so I can enjoy it, too?" "Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!" "Aw, just turn these undies inside out. No one will ever know." "I don't have a tissue with me - just use your sleeve." "The curfew is a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm watching the clock or anything." "Well if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me." "Sorry. I only have white bread for that baloney sandwich."

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Elementary Physics: work = f.d force = m.a Therefore work = m.a.d

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly, leaning forward to receive his "payment." The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

If at first you don't succeed... skydiving is not for you.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do!

"No subject is ever too serious for humour. I think many people have a basic misunderstanding: There's a difference between being serious and being solemn. "We could be talking about things that are extremely serious -- our marriages, the education of our children, politics, even the meaning of life -- and laughing quite a lot and that wouldn't make what we were talking about one bit less serious. "But solemnity, on the other hand; I don't know what it's for. Solemnity serves pomposity, self-importance, and egotism. And the pompous and the self-important always know at some level that their egotism is going to be punctured by humour. That's why they always see humour as negative, as a threat to them personally. And so they dishonestly criticize it as frivolous and light-minded."

How do you know you drink enough coffee to be in campus ministry? * Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. * You ski uphill. * You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. * You speed walk in your sleep. * You answer the door before people knock. * You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. * You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. * You sleep with your eyes open. * You have to watch videos in fast-forward. * The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. * You take pictures of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. * You lick your coffeepot clean. * You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." * You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. * You chew on other people's fingernails. * The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. * You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. * You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. * You can jump-start your car without cables. * Cocaine is a downer. * All your kids are named "Joe." * You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. * Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." * You don't sweat, you percolate. * You buy milk by the barrel. * You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. * You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. * You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. * You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. * People get dizzy just watching you. * When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup." * You've worn the finish off your coffee table. * The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. * Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. * Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. * You're so wired, you pick up FM radio. * People can test their batteries in your ears. * Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans." * Instant coffee takes too long. * You channel surf faster without a remote. * When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." * You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. * You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. * Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. * You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. * You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. * You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. * You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." * You get drunk just so you can sober up. * You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. * Your Thermos is on wheels. * Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. * You can outlast the Energizer bunny. * You short out motion detectors. * You have a conniption over spilled milk. * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. * Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. * You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. * You don't tan, you roast. * You don't get mad, you get steamed. * Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after. * You can't even remember your second cup. * You help your dog chase its tail. * You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. * Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. * You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate." * You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." * Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. * You drink instant coffee through a straw -- without water.

A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up). I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice.... 1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month! 6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis. 7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. 8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 10: Newborn babies can choke on bread. 11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions: 1: No sale of bread to minors. 2: A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers. 3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread. 4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. 5: The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools. Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue. Remember: Think idiotically, act globally.

I'm on a Committee Oh, give me a pity, I'm on a committee Which means that from morning to night We attend and amend and contend and defend Without a conclusion in sight. We confer and concur, we defer and demur And re-iterate all of our thoughts We revise the agenda with frequent addenda And consider a load of reports. We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose And the points of procedure are fun! But though various notions are brought up as motions There's terribly little gets done. We resolve and absolve, but never dissolve Since it's out of the question for us. What a shattering pity to end our committee Where else could we make such a fuss?

The perennial women's question: If they could put one man on the moon, why couldn't they put them all?

A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The Rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?" "Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us." "Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?" "We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us." "And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?" The rabbi, wearily, "We send them to the city as well." "To the city!? And what do they send to you?" "Today they have sent you to us."

[The really intense events leading up to Armageddon are supposed to take years to play out. Here is a more fast-paced version.] 8:00AM- Rapture: Doors of Heaven open; earth's righteous begin to rise to paradise. Dan Quayle briefly hovers five inches above the floor, then collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, "Ha!" 8:02AM-Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky. 8:13AM-Taco Bell chihuahua calls a press conference to concede that he is the Antichrist. Then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and bulgy eyes and people find him irresistible anyway. 9:04AM-Global economy collapses-except in case of Dilbert products, which continue to sell briskly. 9:45AM-All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously. 10:40AM-Abyss opens, releasing foreboding cloud of black smoke and plague of disgusting flavored sports drinks. Oceans and lakes turn to blood. 11:32AM-In emergency arbitration, Miller Lite is declared "less filling". 11:47AM-Sun becomes black as "sackcloth of hair", Moon becomes as blood. 12:00 NOON-Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all seat backs and tray tables to their upright and locked positions." 12:03PM-Arrival of forces of good is covered live on CNN, tipping evil off as to their location and ruining any chance of ambush. 1:11PM-Beeping Tamagotchi pets begin demanding human flesh. 2:46PM-Rampaging looters are surprised by the softer side of Sears. 3:18PM-Saddam Hussein take Kuwait again; U.S. issues a statement formally not giving a damn. 3:21PM-Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out eyes of infants and elderly. 4:56PM-Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service. 5:20PM-Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little things about droughts. 6:12PM-the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break up when Pestilence starts dating Baby Spice. 7:16PM-Jewel dies quietly on the toilet. 9:27PM-God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed and kicks his ass. 10:00PM-Todays winning Lotto numbers are announced. Congrats, you won!!!! 10:42PM-Shari Lewis' head suddenly appears in place of left hand of Lamb. 11:30PM-God finally answers all the big questions (e.g., is it ever OK to break up over the phone?). 12:00MIDNIGHT-Tied in the World Series, Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs meet in the seventh game, and-with two out and the score tied in the bottom of the ninth-the world blows up. 12:03AM-In deepest space, fleshy shreds of The Artist Formerly Known as Prince rename themselves "Susan."

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he wanted to irritate him. He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy." "Oh really? Hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that! Thank you." Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. "You're right; he's unshakable!" The third English man said: "No, no, no, I bet I can really piss him off, you just watch." He walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "I hear your St. Patrick was really an English man!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies have been telling me."

[The following was taken from an actual bug report that I have seen myself. It shows an edited bug report from a customer and an edited response. I did the editing, to protect the customer and company involved. - dhelrod] CUSTOMER BUG REPORT: The [...]Library service "incorrectly" assumes the year 2000 is a leap year. RESPONSE: Thank you for your forward-looking bug report. Various system services, such as [the one you reported] assume that the year 2000 will be a leap year. Although one can never be sure of what will happen at some future time, there is strong historical precedent for presuming that the present Gregorian calendar will still be in affect by the year 2000. Since we also hope that [our system] will still be around by then, we have chosen to adhere to these precedents. The purpose of a calendar is to reckon time in advance, to show how many days have to elapse until a certain event takes place in the future, such as the harvest or the release of [the next version of our system]. The earliest calendars, naturally, were crude and tended to be based upon the seasons or the lunar cycle. The calendar of the Assyrians, for example, was based upon the phases of the moon. They knew that a lunation (the time from one full moon to the next) was 29 1/2 days long, so their lunar year had a duration of 354 days. This fell short of the solar year by about 11 days. (The exact time for the solar year is approximately 365 days, 5 hours, 48 minutes, and 46 seconds.) After 3 years, such a lunar calendar would be off by a whole month, so the Assyrians added an extra month from time to time to keep their calendar in synchronization with the seasons. The best approximation that was possible in antiquity was a 19-year period, with 7 of these 19 years having 13 months (leap months). This scheme was adopted as the basis for the religious calendar used by the Jews. (The Arabs also used this calendar until Mohammed forbade shifting from 12 months to 13 months.) When Rome emerged as a world power, the difficulties of making a calendar were well known, but the Romans complicated their lives because of their superstition that even numbers were unlucky. Hence their months were 29 or 31 days long, with the exception of February, which had 28 days. Every second year, the Roman calendar included an extra month called Mercedonius of 22 or 23 days to keep up with the solar year. Even this algorithm was very poor, so that in 45 BC, Caesar, advised by the astronomer Sosigenes, ordered a sweeping reform. By imperial decree, one year was made 445 days long to bring the calendar back in step with the seasons. The new calendar, similar to the one we now use was called the Julian calendar (named after Julius Caesar). It's months were 30 or 31 days in length and every fourth year was made a leap year (having 366 days). Caesar also decreed that the year would start with the first of January, not the vernal equinox in late March. Caesar's year was 11 1/2 minutes short of the calculations recommended by Sosigenes and eventually the date of the vernal equinox began to drift. Roger Bacon became alarmed and sent a note to Pope Clement IV, who apparently was not impressed. Pope Sixtus IV later became convinced that another reform was needed and called the German astronomer, Regiomontanus, to Rome to advise him. Unfortunately, Regiomontanus died of the plague shortly thereafter and the plans died as well. In 1545, the Council of Trent authorized Pope Gregory XIII to reform the calendar once more. Most of the mathematical work was done by Father Christopher Clavius, S.J. The immediate correction that was adopted was that Thursday, October 4, 1582 was to be the last day of the Julian calendar. The next day was Friday, with the date of October 15. For long range accuracy, a formula suggested by the Vatican librarian Aloysius Giglio was adopted. It said that every fourth year is a leap year except for century years that are not divisible by 400. Thus 1700, 1800 and 1900 would not be leap years, but 2000 would be a leap year since 2000 is divisible by 400. This rule eliminates 3 leap years every 4 centuries, making the calendar sufficiently correct for most ordinary purposes. This calendar is known as the Gregorian calendar and is the one that we now use today. (It is interesting to note that in 1582, all the Protestant princes ignored the papal decree and so many countries continued to use the Julian calendar until either 1698 or 1752. In Russia, it needed the revolution to introduce the Gregorian calendar in 1918.) This explains why [our system] chooses to treat the year 2000 as a leap year. Despite the great accuracy of the Gregorian calendar, it still falls behind very slightly every few years. If you are very concerned about this problem, we suggest that you tune in short wave radio station WWV, which broadcasts official time signals for use in the United States. About once every 3 years, they declare a leap second at which time you should be careful to adjust your system clock. If you have trouble picking up their signals, we suggest you purchase an atomic clock (not manufactured by [our company] and not a [system] option at this time).

Boycott shampoo. Demand the real poo.

The Top 15 Words That Sound Dirty but Aren't 15> dictum 14> joystick 13> Volvo 12> bungalow 11> cowlick 10> toadstool 9> supercalifragelistickexpeeallidouches 8> titmouse 7> holepuncher 6> crotchety 5> kumquat 4> shiitake 3> cockeyed 2> gobbledygook and Topfive.com's Number 1 Word That Sounds Dirty but Isn't... 1> Rubbermaid [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] [ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]

The Top 15 Mafia Valentine's Day Greetings 15> My love for you... it came and went. So your feet are now in wet cement. 14> I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes. 13> Lie down with me -- it's my final offa, Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa. 12> I picked up this card from a slim selection But that's all they offer here in witness protection. Love, J. Doe 11> I've waited so long for you to be mine. Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine. 10> Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style. 9> Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass; So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass. 8> Violets are blue, roses are red, I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead? 7> The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook! 6> Hey. 5> Youse da greatest. Youse da best. But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness. 4> Lust is fleeting, true love lingers. Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers. 3> Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like. 2> Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand So I won't be a self-made man. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Mafia Valentine's Day Greeting... 1> When a goon makes you die, Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore! [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] [ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]

~~~ Life From a Women's Perspective: ~~~ Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner". Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician". Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space...if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus... breath... push... Good Girl!" Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere romantic". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers." Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card. Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone male to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.

Readers were asked to come up with old and new concerns for people of the Baby Boom generation. This is their list: Then: Getting into a new, hip joint Now: Getting a new hip joint Then: Moving to California because it's cool Now: Moving to California because it's warm Then: Hoping for a BMW Now: Hoping for a BM Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine Then: Being called into the principal's office Now: Storming into the principal's office Then: "The Making of the President" Now: The making of the president Then: Getting your head stoned Now: Getting your headstone Then: Long hair Now: Longing for hair Then: Acid rock Now: Acid reflux Then: President Johnson Now: The president's johnson Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying president Now: Fighting to keep the lying president Then: The perfect high Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund Then: Taking acid Now: Taking antacid Then: Elvis in the Army Now: Elvis in a UFO Then: Keg! Now: EKG Then: You're growing pot Now: Your growing pot belly Then: Seeds and stems Now: Roughage Then: Popping pills, smoking joints Now: Popping joints Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral Then: "Going blind" Now: Going blind Then: Killer weed Now: Weed killer Then: Following the Grateful Dead Now: Following Dr. Kevorkian Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and offers money. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are twelve gold coins. A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house." The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop, are twelve rubies. The following week an editor comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Mr. Editor, you are a learned man and a servant of the people, I can't take any money from you." The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop, are twelve shaggy editors.

A ventriliquist reporter decides to have a little fun with the projects editor, goes into the boss' office and asks the pencil holder for the secret of the boss' success. "He's an evil taskmaster, always dulling our points with his ill- thought-out projects ideas!" the pencils say, to the projects editor's astonishment. The reporter asks the same question of the boss' dictionary, which responds, "Wouldn't know about that. He never consults me." The boss blushes fiery red. The ventriloquist reporter turns and asks the office couch the same question. "The couch lies!" the projects editor interrupts.

What's the purpose of the groove in our upper lip? Before I answer this question, a proper introduction is in order: meet your philtrum. If you researched this question at your local playground, you might conclude that the function of the philtrum is to provide storage for snot until a grownup arrives with a tissue. As noble a calling as that may be, it is not the purpose of the philtrum. That's because the philtrum has no purpose. It's one of a bunch of merger-lines known as "raphes". As our tiny embryonic selves are developing, the right and left sides are merged at various points on the body, leaving a raphe at the meeting point. Other raphes can be found on the middle of the tongue, in the dent under the point of your chin, and other, far more personal parts of your body. (Source: WHEN DID WILD POODLES ROAM THE EARTH? By David Feldman) (C) Copyright MailBits.com 1998-1999. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without the written permission of the copyright owner is prohibited. (Yea, but feel free to forward to your friends.)

February 3, 1999 The Top 13 Miracles Not Mentioned in the Bible 13> The Plague of the Hickeys 12> The Parting of Don King's Hair 11> And in these gospels did many sentences begin with the word "And," yet the Net-Grammarians remained silent. 10> The Near-Perfect Slicing of the Pringles 9> Awkward teenage Jesus swinging a date with Nazareth High's head cheerleader. 8> "Moses then parted the red cheeks and let forth a blast which halted the Egyptians in their path." 7> First Try: Jesus turns water into Earl Grey tea. 6> "Water into Wine" and "Loaves and Fishes" were pretty good, but "Oregano into Primo Mexican Weed" was *truly* impressive. 5> The Supersizing of the Multitude under the Golden Arches 4> Moses' mother letting him wander around the desert for forty years without calling or visiting her in Miami Beach even once. 3> Methuselah wedding Anna Nicole Smith at the age of 893. 2> Apprentice Savior Marvin helping a blind man to hear. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Miracle Not Mentioned in the Bible... 1> Jesus becoming a brown-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian, despite having been born a Middle Eastern Jew. [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] [ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]

WHAT DO YOU CALL... What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help...after it bites your leg off. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

"What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary."

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze. It maketh me to wake in green pastures: It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. It restoreth my buzz: It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal: For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me. Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks: Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over. Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the House of Mocha forever. Amen

It's (Usually) So Dry in Texas that: The cows give evaporated milk. The trees are whistling for the dogs. A sad Texan once prayed "I wish it would rain- not so much for me, 'cause I've seen it, but for my 7 year old." It's Usually So Hot in Texas that: Parking spaces are determined by shade rather than distance You discover that it takes only two fingers to steer your car Hot water comes out from both taps You realize that asphalt has a liquid state

Come to think of it, toilet paper is multi-media.

I bet a lot of mimes choke to death because nobody believes they're really choking.

Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word 'database' are typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the 'QWERTY' typewriter was designed, among other things, to facilite the even use of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.

MAJOR U.S. RESEARCH UNIVERSITY DISCOVERS NEW ELEMENT!! The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. If can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising. Appolog

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for."

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. -Bumper Sticker

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."

"I've gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her."

"You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun."

The Rise and Fall of Casual Day Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity. Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory. Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress. Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately

"Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better."

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Before you criticize people, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you've got a mile-long head start. ... And you have their shoes.

TROJAN HORSE WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY! The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It has, in the past, shown up outside of the city gates and appears to be abandoned but left behind as an "offer of peace." DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach. FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERY TROJAN YOU KNOW!

The Hero died- But that isn't the end of the story. -Billboard 'Book Review' J Kornegay First Baptist Church, Bryan

You know you're really a mom whenŠ 1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal. 2. You have time to shave only one leg at a time. 3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone. 4. You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching. 5. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office, and you do it. 6. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids. 7. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats. 8. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes. 9. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes." 10. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you. 11. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average." 12. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE! Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet! WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their In Box or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, E-Mail viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes [perhaps conspiracy theories should be included here]. "These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet. "My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous." Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxes Anonymous meeting and stated, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says. Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following: * the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking * the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others * a lack of desire to take 3 minutes to check to see if a story is true T.C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T.C. said he would stop reading e-mail, so that he would not become infected. Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community. Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including * Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at <http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html> * Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at <http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html> * McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at <http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html> * Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at <http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html> * The Urban Legends Web Site at <http://www.urbanlegends.com> * Urban Legends Reference Pages at <http://www.snopes.com> * Datafellows Hoax Warnings at <http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm> Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as * Evaluating Internet Research Sources at <http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm> * Evaluation of Information Sources at <http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm> * Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at <http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM> Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stampout the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax. Forward this message to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points!!! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.

THEME SONGS FOR BIBLE CHARACTERS Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise" Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" Esther: "I Feel Pretty" Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" Moses: "The Wanderer" Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp" Samson: "Hair" Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night" Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" Joshua: "Good Vibrations" Peter: "I'm Sorry" Esau: "Born To Be Wild" Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It" Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star" Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale" Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away" Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

Doughboy Dead at 71... Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including: Mrs.Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours and longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, squandering much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

"Winterize your lawn," the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency. Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this: "Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles." "It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass." "Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?" "Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn." "The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy." "Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week." "They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?" "Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags." "They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?" "No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away." "Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?" "Yes, sir." "These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work." "You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it." "What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life." "You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away." "No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?" "After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves." "And where do they get this mulch?" "They cut down trees and grind them up." "Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?" "Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..." "Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."

"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace." "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!" "Try our Sundays. They're better than Baskin-Robbins." "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!" An ad for a church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets." "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!" "People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are." "God so loved the world that He did NOT send a committee." "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!" "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right." "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday." "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world." ""If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns." "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)

A fellow who's just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the assembled media. "Excuse me, sir," one of the reporters said, "but how did you come to live to 150? "It's actually quite simple," the old feller replied. "I just never argue." "That's impossible," the reporter responded. "There must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 150 years!" The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several seconds. "Hmmm," he finally shrugged, "maybe you're right."

Michael Jordan will make over $300 000 a game : $10 000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements this year, he’ll be making $178100 a day (working or not)! Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52 000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7 , but he’ll make $18 550 while he’s there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7 415 per hour more than the minimum wage (after the wage hike). He’ll make $3 710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90 000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2 every second. He’d probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33 390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account, he will hit the federal cap of $9 500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1998. If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you’d be living comfortably at $65 000 a year. He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the hundred meter dash in the Olympics. He’ll make about $15600 while the Boston Marathon is being run. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600. Next year he’ll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all their terms combined. Amazing, isn’t it? BUT: Jordan will have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates today !

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes 8!" Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm." Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke." "Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!" Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million." "Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Quick! Go get your Mother."

Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I have a sneaky suspicion that they record those hearing aid infomercials at a really low volume.

RULES FOR BANK ROBBERS According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. For instance it is reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, this advice is offered to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed: 1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in. 2. Approach the right teller. Granted, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. 3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. 4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon." 5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left. 6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves. 7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money. 8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly-solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass. 9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered. 10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

One day George grew very sick. As his wife approached him he looked up and smiled. She began to cry but she tried to hold back her tears. When she built up her courage she said "George, During the 47 years that we were married, I was always with you. During the flood that destroyed the house, I was with you. When you had heart surgery, I was with you. When our financial problems were depressing you, I was with you. When the fire burnt down our house, I was with you. And now that you are about to die, I am with you." Then man nodded his head and replied in a soft weak voice "you were with me all those times Mildred. Maybe you are just bad luck."

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternative meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries: Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT: She thought a quarterback was a refund. She tripped over the cordless phone. If she spoke her mind, she would be speechless. When she heard that 90% of all crimes happen around the home, she moved. It took her months to figure out she could use her new AM radio at night. Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? ... They're too hard to retrain. Why can't blondes be pharmacists? ...Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter. What is the definition of eternity? ...4 blondes at a 4-way stop. What do you call a smart blonde? ...A golden retriever.

Dear Mom, Scoutmaster Webb told us to write our parents in case you heard about the flood and got worried. We're all okay. Only one of our tents and two of our sleeping bags got washed away. Nobody drowned because we were all on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yeah, please call Chad's mother and tell her he's okay. He can't write her because of the cast on his arm. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps! It was neat! We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for all the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire, so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? It was so cool! The wet wood still wouldn't burn, but one of our tents did, and some of our clothes. Boy, Johnny is going to look weird until his hair grows back! We'll be home Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked good when we left. But he said with a car that old you have to expect something to break down. That's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 15 people in the car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and yelled at him. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. And Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about us leaving the life jackets behind. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car, so we're trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also, Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the left over chicken. He said they got sick like that with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he figured out how to do things better while he was doing time. I have to go now. We are going in to town to mail this and buy some bullets and more gasoline. Don't worry about anything. We are doing just fine. Love, Your son

Lawyers aren't typically funny--unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official records nationwide: 1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? 3. Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.' Q: Did he kill you? 4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? 5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 6. Were you alone or by yourself? 7. How long have you been a French Canadian? 8. Do you have children or anything of that kind? 9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture? A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? 10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on November 8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes Q: What were you doing at the time? 13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? 14. So you were gone until you returned? 15. Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None Q: Were there girls? 16. You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. 19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." 20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is and what a teamwork is all about?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what really matters is not whether we win or lose, but that we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "Good," the coach continued. "And, when a strike is called, or you're thrown out at first, you don't argue, curse, attack the umpire with a bat, or throw dirt in the opposing team members face. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded, "Well, sure, coach. That's what you taught us." "Good," said the coach. "Now, please go over there and explain all that to your mother."

A pastor, apparently fed up with all the excuses given over the years to why people don't go to church, included this list in the Sunday bulletin: TEN REASONS WHY I NEVER WASH 1. I was forced to as a child. 2. People who wash are hypocrites -- they think they are cleaner than everybody else. 3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which is best. 4. I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped. 5. I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter. 6. None of my friends wash. 7. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier. 8. I can't spare the time. 9. The bathroom is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer. 10. People who make soap are only after your money.

"The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door there was my mother-in-law on the front porch. She said, 'Can I stay here for a few days?' I said: 'Sure you can,' and shut the door."

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.'"

"You get a lot of tension? You get a lot of headaches? I do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children"

"I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear, fighting over a belt?... The one who wins gets a purse. They do it in gloves. It's the accessory connection I love."

Palm Beach County gets to pick the next president. Or maybe it's a handful of sailors who have been at sea since the campaign began. We treasure the idea that any one individual's ballot could decide an election. But watching the interviews with some of the men and women on the street in Florida, you can't help thinking, 'Oh Lord, not that one.'

The Scots invented golf, which might explain why they invented Scotch.

A retired man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister don't go into shock later when I move out." He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this." She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night." The father agrees, "All right." He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, hon, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal." Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage." Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed." Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search." Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." Problem: Dead bugs on windshield. Solution: Live bugs on order. Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. Problem: IFF inoperative. Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Solution: That's what they're there for.

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A BAD CHURCH 10. The church bus has gun racks. 9. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor. 8. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version." 7. There's an ATM in the lobby. 6. The choir wears leather robes. 5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S.: "Bring Your Own Snake." 4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum. 3. Karaoke Worship Time. 2. Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?" 1. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

KIDS ON LOVE AND ROMANCE: SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, age 6) "Shake your hips and hope for the best." (Camille, age 9) "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." (Manuel, age 8) "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, age 9) "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, age 9) HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." (Julia, age 7) "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Brian, age 7) "It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, age 9) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "When they're rich." (Pam, age 7) "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Tammy, age 7) "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." (Roger, age 6) "I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it." (Dave, age 8) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"? "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, age 9) "Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." (Dick, age 7)

MY APPETITE IS MY SHEPHERD (POUND 23) My appetite is my shepherd; I always want. It maketh me sit down and stuff myself. It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly. It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper. It destroyeth my shape. Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating For the food tasteth so good. The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me. When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in. As I filleth my plate continuously, My clothes runneth smaller. Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.

Top 10 Tech-Influenced Action/Adventure TV Shows 1. Modem, She Wrote: Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won't ever connect at 56k. 2. Micro-CHiPs: Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway. 3. Carly's Angels: Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team of three vixen market analysts on how to prop up HP's sagging stock price. 4. Hawaii 6.0: An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online. 5. T. J. Hacker: A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show. 6. The Excel Files: Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there. 7. The AOL-Team: Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. T unite to promote corporate mergers and make the world safe for capitalism. 8. Magnum, PC: This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii. Season finale cliff-hanger: Will Deep Blue be seduced by the wily charms of the Texas Instruments Speak 'n' Spell? 9. The Incredible Bulk: The exciting adventures of Windows, which just keeps growing and growing. 10. Buffy the Virus Slayer: Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files--no small feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots.

"Fill your mouth with marbles and make a speech. Every day reduce the number of marbles in your mouth and make a speech. You will soon become an accredited public speaker -- as soon as you have lost all your marbles."

A selection of carols for your dysfunctional friends.... SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and.. PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell you Why. DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rack ...........(oh darn, better start again) PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

As part of an assignment, one seventh-grade class was asked: What would you wish for if you could have one wish come true? One student wrote, "If I could have one wish, I'd choose world peace. And if somebody already chose that, I'd wish for a boyfriend."

Several years ago, Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks did a comedy skit called the "2013 Year Old Man". In the skit, Reiner interviews Brooks, who is the old gentleman. At one point, Reiner asks the old man, "Did you always believe in the Lord?" Brooks replied: "No. We had a guy in our village named Phil, and for a time we worshiped him." Reiner: You worshiped a guy named Phil? Why? Brooks: Because he was big, and mean, and he could break you in two with his bare hands! Reiner: Did you have prayers? Brooks: Yes, would you like to hear one? O Phil, please don't be mean, and hurt us, or break us in two with your bare hands. Reiner: So when did you start worshiping the Lord? Brooks: Well, one day a big thunderstorm came up, and a lightning bolt hit Phil. We gathered around and saw that he was dead. Then we said to one another, "There's somthin' bigger than Phil!"

When Italy started strictly enforcing the seatbelt law entrepreneur Claudio Ciaravolo saw a great opportunity. He invented the "security shirt". It is a white T-shirt with a thick black diagonal stripe designed to give the impression you are wearing a seat belt. The only problem with the T-shirt, of course, is that it doesn't protect you in the event of a collision. In the same way, there are a number of religious rituals we can go through that may look good on the surface, but they can not offer the security of a real, dynamic, personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Vincente T. Montojo tells the story of the time his two-year-old daughter, Paige, was with her mother while her older sister was at the dentist. Paige kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed. With about six other patients in the waiting room, Paige marched up to her mother, looked at her and shook her shoulder. "Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"

Top Disney movies in hell: 16> "101 Damnations" 15> "20,000 Leagues Under the Earth" 13> "The Unrescuables Down Under" 12> "Ishtarzan" 11> "Your Booty and the Beast" 10> "That Darn Caterwauling!" 9> "Where the Heck Are All the Dogs?" 8> "Herpes, the Love Bug" 4> "James and the Giant Leech" 3> "Runny the Pooh" and Topfive.com's Number 1 Disney Movie in Hell…

"The Top 15 Chinese Translations of English Movie Titles." It eventually became one of the most important lists in TopFive history, after the NY Times assumed our twisted titles were real and ran a story about them. That original list and the story about the commotion it caused can be found on our website: http://www.topfive.com/chinesemovies.html In the meantime, we thought it would be interesting to revisit that topic and see what happens *this* time... The Top 20 Chinese Translations of English Movie Titles (Part II) [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 20> "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut" -- "Subversive Capitalist Children Need to Learn Discipline in Red Army" 19> "Big Momma's House" -- "Black Man Dresses as Funny Fat Person, Yet Eddie Murphy is in a Different Theater!" 18> "Rush Hour" -- "Jackie Chan Not the Only Star Requiring Subtitles" 17> "Pokemon: The First Movie" -- "Japanese Monkeys With Typewriters Prove American Parents Will Buy Anything to Silence Children" 16> "Being John Malkovich" -- "Tiny People In My Brain, Stop Watching Me Urinate!!!" 15> "Star Wars, Episode I: The Phantom Menace" -- "Who Is Annoying Frog/Rabbit? Hand Me My Light-Sabre!" 14> "Ready To Rumble" -- "What Wrong With You? Don't Encourage Mr. David Arquette!!!" 13> "Stuart Little" -- "In America, People Happy to Live With Rats" 12> "Patch Adams" -- "Ha! Your Advance-Stage Cancer Amuses Me!" 11> "American Pie" -- "Why it is Advisable to Ban the Importation of American Baked Goods" 10> "The Blair Witch Project" -- "I Have Camcorder! Give Me 100 Million Dollars!" 9> "Life Is Beautiful" -- "Nazi Concentration Camps Are Fun for Whole Family!" 8> "Boogie Nights" -- "Oh My Chairman! Is That Thing REAL?!?" 7> "Fight Club" -- "Hello, Friend Who I Am Pleased to Have in My Association. NOW YOU MUST DIE BY MY FISTS!" 6> "The Thomas Crown Affair" -- "Forget plot! Watch for See-through Dress!" 5> "The Sixth Sense" -- "I Am Dead But I Must Still Go To Work!" 4> "Jaws" -- "Yum! Shark Fin Soup for Everyone!" 3> "American Beauty" -- "I Need Underage Neighbor Like I Need Hole in Head!" 2> "Pulp Fiction" -- "Hey! I Killed You Three Scenes Ago!" and Topfive.com's Number 1 Chinese Translation of an English Movie Title... 1> "There's Something About Mary" -- "Consider Button-Fly Pants Next Time, Stupid Capitalist!"

MIRABILE DICTU! - (Latin for "Signs and portents!") * Veterinary office: "All unattended children given free kitten." * On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." * At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." * Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Can we pick your nose?" * Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs." * On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts." * In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." * On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push." * At an Optometrists Office "If you don't see what you're looking for you've come to the right place." * In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." * On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome. Dog food is expensive." * Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming." * In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!" * In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

Put your Nose to the Grindstone! -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.

Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?

~ Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it ~ Allege: A rocky platform on a mountain ~ Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's ~ Arson: Our daughter's brother ~ Autobiography: A history of cars ~ Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do ~ Backward: Patient rooms at the rear of a hospital ~ Baloney: Where some hemlines fall ~ Bassinet: What every fisherman wants ~ Belong: To take your time ~ Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage ~ Book: a utensil used to pass time while waiting for the computer repairman ~ Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think ~ Budget: A method for going broke methodically ~ Bureaucracy: a method of turning energy into solid waste ~ Burglarize: What a crook sees with ~ Carpet: A dog that enjoys riding in an automobile ~ Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular ~ Coffee: Break fluid ~ Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage ~ Condescend: A prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope ~ Consciousness: that annoying time between naps ~ Control: A short, ugly inmate ~ Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets ~ Deduce: De lowest card in de deck ~ Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch ~ Diplomacy: The art of letting other people have your own way ~ Document: Repeating what your doctor told you in your own words ~ Dogma: A mother dog ~ Earthquake: A topographical error ~ Eclipse: What a gardener does to your hedge ~ Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist ~ Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers ~ Falsehood: Someone who pretends to be a gangster ~ Feast: An eat wave ~ Fission: What Huck Finn did when he played hookey ~ Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries ~ Flattery: Phony express ~ Geezer: Formerly known as studmuffin ~ Geometry: What the acorn said when it grew up ~ Grateful: What it takes to build a good fire ~ Ground beef: A cow with no legs ~ Handicap: A ready-to-use hat ~ Hanging: A suspended sentence ~ Hari-Kari: Transporting a wig ~ Heroes: What a guy in a boat does ~ Hunger: What the posse did to the lady rustler ~ Hypochondriac: A guy who won't let well enough alone ~ Hypothesis: What a boy says to his father on the telephone ~ Indecision: Under the whether ~ Intense: Where campers sleep ~ Kinship: Your brother's boat ~ Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the best lawyer ~ Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor. ~ Laundress: A gown worn while sitting on the grass ~ Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot ~ Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. ~ Midget: Center engine of a three-engine fast plane ~ Minimum: A very small mother ~ Misty: How golfers create divots ~ Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once ~ Nitrate: Cheapest price for calling long distance ~ Observatory: What George Washington asked his spies to do ~ Pandemonium: A housing development for pandas ~ Paradise: Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon ~ Paradox: Two physicians ~ Paraffins: Found on the sides of fish ~ Paralyze: Two untruths ~ Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower ~ Pharmacist: A helper on the farm ~ Polynesia: memory loss in parrots ~ Praise: Letting off esteem ~ Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV ~ Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy ~ Rampage: Section of a book about male sheep ~ Relief: What trees do in the spring ~ Sarcasm: Quip lash ~ Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does ~ Sesame: A seed useful for opening caves ~ Sherbet: A tip on a horse race or sporting event ~ Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark ~ Skier: A person who jumps to contusions ~ Sleet: A slipcover ~ Stirrup: What you do with cake batter ~ Subdued: Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man ~ Subsidy: A town underneath another town ~ Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them ~ Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official ~ Sweater: A garment worn by a child when the mother feels chilly ~ Taxes: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension ~ Teenager: An adolescent whose hang-ups do not include his clothes ~ Teenagers: People who express their desire to be different by dressing alike ~ Tenure: A year after nineure ~ Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary ~ Thursday: How you feel crossing the desert on a hot day ~ Trapeziod: A device for catching zoids ~ Unabated: A fishhook without a worm ~ Valorous: A big animal vit tusks vot lives in vater ~ Vanguard: A person who protects trucks ~ Violinist: A high-strung musician ~ Warehouse: What you ask when you are lost ~ Wholesale: Where a gopher goes to buy a home

The Top 15 Superhero Names for the Pope [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 15> The Pompatus of Love 14> The Mighty Pontiffinator 13> Genuflector X 12> Pope Shaft, the baddest Pope around 11> Sexual Restraint Man 10> The Anti-AntiChrist 9> Popemon 8> The Bulletproof Blesser 7> Over-Population Man 6> St. Peter's Ballistica 5> Doveboy 4> Captain Shovel Hat 3> The Lord's Super 2> The Amazing Miterman and Topfive.com's Number 1 Superhero Name for the Pope... 1> Mighty Morphin' Miracle Worker

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? He doesn't believe in dogs. Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back! How can you recognize a burned-out hippie? He used to take acid, now he takes antacid. How far can a dog run into the forest? Half way, then he would be running out. How much dirt is in a hole 4 feet deep and 2 feet wide? There is no dirt in a hole. The one who makes it, sells it. The one who buys it, never uses it. The one that uses it, never knows that he's using it. What is it? A coffin. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do fish play on the piano? Scales. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? A receding hareline. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What do you throw out when you want to use it, but take in when you don't want to use it? An anchor. What has more lives than a cat? A frog. It croaks every night. What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now? Decomposing. What is the biggest ant? An elephant. What is three feet long? A yard. What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? Wet ones. What won't break if you throw off the highest building in the world, but will break if you place it in the ocean? A tissue. What's better than the best thing and worse than the worst thing? Nothing. What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat?" It's raining cats and dogs. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich? Because the poor had no money

Our Town is Soooooo Small ("How small is it?!?") - Our Town is so small that, ...our city limits signs are both on the same post. ...the City jail is called amoeba; it only has one cell. ...the McDonalds only has one Golden Arch. ...the 7-11 is a 9-5. ...the mayor had to annex property to eat a foot long hot dog. ...the New Years baby was born in October. ...the one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions. ...there's no place to go that you shouldn't. ...a "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes. ...the phone book has only one page. ...there's nothing doing every minute. ...at the last beauty contest, nobody won 1st, 2nd or 3rd ...the ZIP code was a fraction. ...second street is in the next town.

MIKEY'S THOTS FOR THE DAY January-June 2000 ~ 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions. ~ 75% of statisticians are 90% confident 52% of the time. ~ [Bumper Snicker] DANGER! I drive like you do. ~ A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something. ~ A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from? ~ A person has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. ~ A waist is terrible thing to mind. ~ Air pollution is a mist-demeanor. ~ Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. ~ Birds have bills, too, and they keep on singing. ~ Born free. Taxed to death. ~ Bureaucracy: a method of turning energy into solid waste. ~ Can a mortuary raise the cost of burial and blame it on the cost of living? ~ Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 2? ~ Courage is fear that has said its prayers. ~ Creditors have better memories than debtors. ~ Cursor's flashing, but there's no response. ~ Dain bramaged. ~ Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. ~ DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it... ~ Did it ever occur to you that nothing occurs to God? ~ Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them. ~ Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? ~ Do union matchmakers have to close the cover before striking? ~ Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~ Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. ~ Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. ~ Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group. ~ Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. ~ Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. ~ For every proverb that so confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it. ~ Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. ~ Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger. ~ Hermits don't suffer from peer pressure. ~ Home is where you hang your @. ~ How come wrong numbers are never busy? ~ How do "Stay off the Grass" signs get there? ~ I am at one with my duality. ~ I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up to meetings three miles late. ~ I loaned ten thousand dollars to my (former) best friend to get plastic surgery. I haven't heard from him in nine months, and now I don't know what he looks like. ~ I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around and sang "Happy Birthday." ~ I spent the night in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. ~ I used to pick fuzz out of my belly button, but I gave it up for lint. ~ I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's one called brightness, but it doesn't seem to work. ~ I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous. ~ I'm not really happy. It's a chemical imbalance. ~ I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now. ~ I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. ~ I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me send money. ~ If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? ~ If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around to hear it, is there substantial evidence to sue for deforestation? ~ If everyone were employed, would unemployment officers be? ~ If fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? ~ If it was only a 3-hour cruise (Gilligan's Island), why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes? ~ If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? ~ If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws. ~ If mother always knows best, what happens when two mothers disagree? ~ If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag? ~ If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. ~ If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed. ~ If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? ~ If you hear no evil and see no evil, call the TV repairman. ~ Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? ~ It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated. ~ It took a couple of years, but when their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry. ~ It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. ~ It's not a REAL sponge cake unless you've borrowed all the ingredients. ~ Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. ~ Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. ~ Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it. ~ Life is like an onion: You peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. ~ Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time. ~ Luge is the only sport where you can die during the event and still win. ~ Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard. ~ Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young. ~ My doctor says I have the body of a 16-year-old... dog. ~ My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. ~ Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. ~ Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? ~ No man in the world has more courage than the one who can stop after eating one peanut. ~ On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not. ~ One good turn gets most of the blankets. ~ One of the lessons of life is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. ~ Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers. ~ People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross. ~ People will believe most anything that is whispered to another. ~ Polynesia: memory loss in parrots. ~ Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda' neat. ~ Prejudiced people are all alike. ~ Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton. ~ Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. ~ Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield. ~ Sometimes the garbage disposal gods demand the offering of a spoon ~ Strange, you stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in. ~ Sweater: a garment worn by a child when a mother feels chilly. ~ Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! ~ Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. ~ Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. ~ The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. ~ The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut. ~ The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is ten years. ~ The earth is full. Go home. ~ The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people that were here last year." ~ The secret to success is sincerity... and once you learn to fake it, you've got it made. ~ The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL? ~ The world isn't so much worse than before, it's just that the news coverage got so much better. ~ The world would be such a better place if there were more people like me. ~ There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year. ~ There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." ~ To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world. ~ Two wrongs don't make a right. But two Wrights made an airplane. ~ Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. ~ What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ~ When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am? ~ When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. ~ Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? ~ Why do they call it Alcoholics Anonymous if the first two things you tell everybody is your name and the fact that you are an alcoholic? ~ Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic? ~ Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future? ~ Why worry about tomorrow when there are so many bridges to burn today? ~ Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. ~ You know you're paranoid when you can't think of anything that's your fault. ~ You were born an original. Don't die a copy. ~ You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. ~ Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.

THE TEN ARTICLES OF DUCT TAPE Article I Duct Tape cannot fix everything. I promise to refrain from trying to fix the following things with Duct Tape: The National Debt The San Andreas Fault A Broken Heart Article II Duct Tape should not be forced on others. Some people don't like Duct Tape on their house, car, chairs, pants, shoes, gloves, tools, televisions, pets, sports gear, and farm equipment, but that's their problem. I will learn to be more tolerant of these people and keep my Duct Tape to myself. Article III Other forms of tape are probably still necessary, even with Duct Tape, I am not sure for what, though. Article IV I should never exaggerate when telling my friends about my best Duct Tape stories. As a Duct Tape "Adhesive Solutions Engineer," my true exploits are usually hard enough to believe, anyway. Article V There are some things that I should throw away, even with Duct Tape around. (I know that I may need to ask for help in identifying what these things might be). Article VI When I forget to take my Duct Tape with me, it's okay... Article VII People that don't use Duct Tape aren't bad people -- they just don't know any better. Article VIII Duct Tape is not all-powerful, although it has many of the same attributes as the Force -- it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the whole universe together. ("May the Duct Tape be with you.") Article IX I will never misspell Duct Tape as duck tape... Article X It's okay to admit that I need Duct tape in my life -- in as many colors, lengths, and widths as is possible -- because nobody is perfect. In other words, everyone can use a little Duct Tape now and then.

One big advantage to telling a clean joke is that there is a good chance no one has heard it.

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world. 3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." 9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day. "What for?!" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court. That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now" The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Redneck medical terms Artery......................The study of paintings. Benign......................What you be after you be eight. Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria. Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty. Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her. Coma........................A punctuation mark. Enema.......................Not a friend. Secretion...................Hiding something Seizure.....................Roman emperor. Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport. Varicose....................Near by

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

“By nothing do men show their character more than by the things they laugh at.”

Not only the humor we make, but also the humor that amuses us, is important. A man may refrain from making fun of someone in the other’s presence, but will let loose his mockery in private to his wife or close friend. True, he will not create the havoc which would have been the case had he released his sarcasm in public. Nevertheless, what we laugh at, even in solitude, is significant. The German author Goethe said, “By nothing do men show their character more than by the things they laugh at.” The author of Ecclesiasticus put it this way, “A man’s grinning laughter shows the kind of man he is.” Another has put it, “What we laugh at is a window to our minds. Our jokes reveal our inner nature better than our set speeches. If you are amused by an off-color story, it points up the impurity of your heart. If you laugh at another’s serious accident, it shows cruelty deep within. If you overly indulge in caustic wit, it may indicate envy of the person against which your barbs are directed, and even beyond that, basic insecurity. If you are extremely addicted to punning, a dyed-in-the-wool punster, your constant conflicting play on words may result from your own conflicting feelings within. If you make light of holy subjects, it reveals profanity inside. Perhaps the words of Jesus could be paraphrased, admittedly giving only a partial explanation of the text, “By thy humor shalt thou he justified, and by thy humor shalt thou be condemned” (Matthew 12:37). If only one person in the world on only one occasion was guilty of just one bit of offside humor, he would still need the blood of Jesus Christ for cleansing. The choice of entertainment via radio, TV and literature, on the part of many, falls short of Christian grace, even short of the standard of enlightened nature. To avoid this blemish of personal piety we need to know when to laugh and when not to. Humor leaps outside its legitimate sphere when it trespasses on the suggestive, the sarcastic, the silly and the sacrilegious.

"Your socks should never be funnier than you are." -- Hal Rubenstein

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is. -- Horace Walpole

Humor has a tremendous place in a sordid world. It’s more than just a laughing matter. If you can see things out of whack, then you can certainly see how things can be in whack." -- Dr. Seuss

What do they call a comedian who doesn't get any laughs? A philosopher. -- Phil Proctor

Some snappy comebacks you'd like to use at the office, but can't 1. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 2. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 3. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 5. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and foolish. 6. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 7. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 8. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 10. Do I look like a people person? 11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 12. Chaos, panic, & disorder — my work here is done. 13. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

From an interview with the rich creators of collegehumor.com in the New Yorker - http://newyorker.com/fact/content/?050124fa_fact2 2005-01-24, "Funny Boys" by Rebecca Mead A key to college humor, the four have realized, is that students like to think they belong to a small in-crowd that understands the joke, while the public at large remains clueless. Take the phrase “More Cowbell,” which is a slogan appearing on one of the most popular of the company’s Busted Tees; it comes from an instruction given in a skit on “Saturday Night Live.” “Not everyone saw that episode, so the people who did see it think it is that much cooler because nobody else knows,” Josh said.

I cannot call to mind a single instance where I have ever been irreverent, except toward the things which were sacred to other people.

I must confess that I would rather hear people laugh than I would see them asleep in the house of God; and I would rather get the truth into them through the medium of ridicule than I would have it neglected, or leave the people to perish through lack of reception of the message. I do believe in my heart, that there may be as much holiness in a laugh as in a cry; and that, sometimes, to laugh is the better thing of the two, for I may weep, and be murmuring, and repining, and thinking all sorts of bitter thoughts against God; while, at another time, I may laugh the laugh of sarcasm against sin, and so evince a holy earnestness in the defense of the truth. I do not know why ridicule is to be given up to Satan as a weapon to be used against us, and not to be employed by us as a weapon against him. I will venture to affirm that the Reformation owed almost as much to the sense of the ridiculous in human nature as to anything else, and that those humorous squibs and caricatures, that were issued by the friends of Luther, did more to open the eyes of Germany to the abominations of the priesthood than the more solid and ponderous arguments against Romanism. I know no reason why we should not, on suitable occasions, try the same style of reasoning. "It is a dangerous weapon," it will be said, "and many men will cut their fingers with it." Well, that is their own lookout; but I do not know why we should be so particular about their cutting their fingers if they can, at the same time, cut the throat of sin, and do serious damage to the great adversary of souls.

Humor Is A Virtue

Joy may be more than laughter, but it is not less.... Why should we suppose that tears are pious and laughs perverse? On the contrary, tears seem more closely allied to sin than laughs, for someday God will wipe away all tears from our eyes. But nowhere does the Bible say God will wipe away our laughs.

Smart and Funny

If wisdom involves the recognition of harmonies, similarities or congruities, wit involves the recognition of disharmonies, dissimilarities and incongruities. Thus, wit and wisdom are closely related. Those who most readily recognize harmonies in the various spheres of life should be most apt to see inconsistencies. He who is wise should be witty.

Righteous Sarcasm?

Scorn and sarcasm radiate bitterness. Their ill-natured, cutting edges remove them in most cases from the realm of kindliness. Yet, just as anger at times may seem sinless, so sarcasm on occasions may be righteous. "Evil has its ludicrous side, and the exhibition of this is sometimes more effective than plain argument. Irony, however, is a dangerous weapon, and needs to be handled with skill. The anger that pours ridicule upon an opponent must have behind it a heart of love, if its wounds are to prove wholesome . . . Paul’s satire is always akin to charity; it is never satire with no pity in it." (Flynn is quoting The Pulpit Commentary, 1 Corinthians (New York: Funk and Wagnalls Company, 1944), pp. 155, 134.)

Was Jesus a Jokester?

That Jesus used humor may come as a surprise to some. For several reasons we do not readily recognize His humor. In the first place, when we read the words of Christ, our solemn mood looks for values different from humor. Second, if what one generation laughs at is not regarded as funny by the next, appreciation of the incongruity of situations which existed 1900 years ago may not be easily grasped. Psychological reorientation to the first century scene may be required before we can enter into some of Jesus’ humor. Finally, some never find humor in Jesus’ teaching because they claim, “Jesus never laughed. In fact, there is no record that He even smiled. He was a Man of Sorrows.”