AT THE END How the Media Would Handle the End of the World USA Today: WE'RE DEAD Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, Together Again Inc. Magazine: 10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour Sports Illustrated: Game Over Ladies Home Journal: Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with Our New "Armageddon" Diet! Cosmopolitan: How to Drive Your Man Wild in the Afterlife TV Guide: Death and Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar! Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life, as we know it, affect the way we view the cosmos? Microsoft Systems Journal: Netscape Loses Market Share Microsoft's Web Site: If you don't experience the rapture, DOWNLOAD software patch RAPT777.EXE. America Online: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes. Money Magazine: Mortgage Rates and Property Values Hit All Time Low.permalink source: Anonymous
[The really intense events leading up to Armageddon are supposed to take years to play out. Here is a more fast-paced version.] 8:00AM- Rapture: Doors of Heaven open; earth's righteous begin to rise to paradise. Dan Quayle briefly hovers five inches above the floor, then collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, "Ha!" 8:02AM-Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky. 8:13AM-Taco Bell chihuahua calls a press conference to concede that he is the Antichrist. Then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and bulgy eyes and people find him irresistible anyway. 9:04AM-Global economy collapses-except in case of Dilbert products, which continue to sell briskly. 9:45AM-All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously. 10:40AM-Abyss opens, releasing foreboding cloud of black smoke and plague of disgusting flavored sports drinks. Oceans and lakes turn to blood. 11:32AM-In emergency arbitration, Miller Lite is declared "less filling". 11:47AM-Sun becomes black as "sackcloth of hair", Moon becomes as blood. 12:00 NOON-Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all seat backs and tray tables to their upright and locked positions." 12:03PM-Arrival of forces of good is covered live on CNN, tipping evil off as to their location and ruining any chance of ambush. 1:11PM-Beeping Tamagotchi pets begin demanding human flesh. 2:46PM-Rampaging looters are surprised by the softer side of Sears. 3:18PM-Saddam Hussein take Kuwait again; U.S. issues a statement formally not giving a damn. 3:21PM-Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out eyes of infants and elderly. 4:56PM-Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service. 5:20PM-Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little things about droughts. 6:12PM-the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break up when Pestilence starts dating Baby Spice. 7:16PM-Jewel dies quietly on the toilet. 9:27PM-God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed and kicks his ass. 10:00PM-Todays winning Lotto numbers are announced. Congrats, you won!!!! 10:42PM-Shari Lewis' head suddenly appears in place of left hand of Lamb. 11:30PM-God finally answers all the big questions (e.g., is it ever OK to break up over the phone?). 12:00MIDNIGHT-Tied in the World Series, Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs meet in the seventh game, and-with two out and the score tied in the bottom of the ninth-the world blows up. 12:03AM-In deepest space, fleshy shreds of The Artist Formerly Known as Prince rename themselves "Susan."permalink source: Anonymous
During his 1960 presidential campaign, John F. Kennedy often closed his speeches with the story of Colonel Davenport, the Speaker of the Connecticut House of Representatives: On May 19th, 1780 the sky of Hartford darkened ominously, and some of the representatives, glancing out the windows, feared the end was at hand. Quelling a clamor for immediate adjournment, Davenport rose and said, "The Day of Judgment is either approaching or it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I choose to be found doing my duty. Therefore, I wish that candles be brought."permalink source: Harry Heintz.
the attitude of every believer towards the return of Christ: Look for it Live for it Long for itpermalink source: some preacher