These are quotes which stood out to me, possibly for use in a sermon someday. Their presence here does not mean I agree with them, it merely shows that I might want to reference them later. The default view is five random selections. Use the tag list on the right to view all quotes relevant to that theme.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the father asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Mom says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of sex."
A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up). I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice.... 1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month! 6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis. 7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. 8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 10: Newborn babies can choke on bread. 11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions: 1: No sale of bread to minors. 2: A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers. 3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread. 4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. 5: The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools. Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue. Remember: Think idiotically, act globally.
RECALL
The maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed, "Subsequential Internal Non-Morality", or more commonly known as S-I-N, as it is primarily symptomized by loss of moral judgment.
Some other symptoms:
a) Loss of direction
b) Foul vocal emissions
c) Amnesia of origin
d) Lack of peace and joy
e) Selfish, or violent, behavior
f) Depression or confusion in the mental component
g) Fearful
The manufacturer, who is neither liable or at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service, free of charge to correct this SIN defect. The number to call for the recall station in your area is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN by pressing R-E-P-E-N-T-A-N-C-E. Next, download J-E-S-U-S into the heart. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, the JESUS repair will replace it with:
a) Love
b) Joy
c) Peace
d) Longsuffering
e) Gentleness
f) Goodness
g) Faith
h) Meekness
i) Temperance
Please see operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human unit without correction, voids the manufacturer's warranty, exposing owner to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on J-E-S-U-S.
DANGER: The human units not receiving this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace.
This Action was Authorized by: The Creator.
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. -- Sydney J. Harris