Glen's Quotes Db (3184 total)

These are quotes which stood out to me, possibly for use in a sermon someday. Their presence here does not mean I agree with them, it merely shows that I might want to reference them later. The default view is five random selections. Use the tag list on the right to view all quotes relevant to that theme.

[The really intense events leading up to Armageddon are supposed to take years to play out. Here is a more fast-paced version.] 8:00AM- Rapture: Doors of Heaven open; earth's righteous begin to rise to paradise. Dan Quayle briefly hovers five inches above the floor, then collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, "Ha!" 8:02AM-Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky. 8:13AM-Taco Bell chihuahua calls a press conference to concede that he is the Antichrist. Then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and bulgy eyes and people find him irresistible anyway. 9:04AM-Global economy collapses-except in case of Dilbert products, which continue to sell briskly. 9:45AM-All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously. 10:40AM-Abyss opens, releasing foreboding cloud of black smoke and plague of disgusting flavored sports drinks. Oceans and lakes turn to blood. 11:32AM-In emergency arbitration, Miller Lite is declared "less filling". 11:47AM-Sun becomes black as "sackcloth of hair", Moon becomes as blood. 12:00 NOON-Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all seat backs and tray tables to their upright and locked positions." 12:03PM-Arrival of forces of good is covered live on CNN, tipping evil off as to their location and ruining any chance of ambush. 1:11PM-Beeping Tamagotchi pets begin demanding human flesh. 2:46PM-Rampaging looters are surprised by the softer side of Sears. 3:18PM-Saddam Hussein take Kuwait again; U.S. issues a statement formally not giving a damn. 3:21PM-Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out eyes of infants and elderly. 4:56PM-Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service. 5:20PM-Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little things about droughts. 6:12PM-the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break up when Pestilence starts dating Baby Spice. 7:16PM-Jewel dies quietly on the toilet. 9:27PM-God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed and kicks his ass. 10:00PM-Todays winning Lotto numbers are announced. Congrats, you won!!!! 10:42PM-Shari Lewis' head suddenly appears in place of left hand of Lamb. 11:30PM-God finally answers all the big questions (e.g., is it ever OK to break up over the phone?). 12:00MIDNIGHT-Tied in the World Series, Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs meet in the seventh game, and-with two out and the score tied in the bottom of the ninth-the world blows up. 12:03AM-In deepest space, fleshy shreds of The Artist Formerly Known as Prince rename themselves "Susan."

MEDICAL DAFFYNITIONS

Artery: The study of painting
Bacteria: The back door of the cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do when their patients die
Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O or U
Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome
CAT Scan: Searching for a kitty
Cauterize: To make eye contact with a girl
Coma: A punctuation mark
Enema: Someone who is not your friend
Fester: Quicker
Fibula: A small lie
Labor Pain: When you get hurt at work
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: A patient who fainted
Pelvis: An Elvis impersonator
Recovery Room: A place to do upholstery
Secretion: Something you don't want anyone to know
Seizure: A Roman emperor
Tablet: A small table
Terminal: Where the planes land
Urine: Opposite of "you're out"
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: To be conceited

"Don't take the wrong side of an argument just because your opponent has taken the right side."

The man who makes everything that leads to happiness depend upon himself, and not other men, has adopted the very best plan for living happily.

Professional golfer Paul Azinger was diagnosed with cancer at age 33. He had just won a PGA championship and had ten tournament victories to his credit.

He wrote, "A genuine feeling of fear came over me. I could die from cancer. Then another reality hit me even harder. I'm going to die eventually anyway, whether from cancer or something else. It's just a question of when. Everything I had accomplished in golf became meaningless to me. All I wanted to do was live."

Then he remembered something that Larry Moody, who teaches a Bible study on the tour, had said to him. "Zinger, we're not in the land of the living going to the land of the dying. We're in the land of the dying trying to get to the land of the living."

Golfer Paul Azinger recovered from chemotherapy and returned to the PGA tour. He's done pretty well. But that bout with cancer deepened his perspective. He wrote, "I've made a lot of money since I've been on the tour, and I've won a lot of tournaments, but that happiness is always temporary. The only way you will ever have true contentment is in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I'm not saying that nothing ever bothers me and I don't have problems, but I feel like I've found the answer to the six-foot hole."

Citation: Robert Russell, "Resurrection Promises," Preaching Today, Tape No. 151.