MIKEY'S THOTS FOR THE DAY January-June 2000 ~ 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions. ~ 75% of statisticians are 90% confident 52% of the time. ~ [Bumper Snicker] DANGER! I drive like you do. ~ A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something. ~ A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from? ~ A person has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. ~ A waist is terrible thing to mind. ~ Air pollution is a mist-demeanor. ~ Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. ~ Birds have bills, too, and they keep on singing. ~ Born free. Taxed to death. ~ Bureaucracy: a method of turning energy into solid waste. ~ Can a mortuary raise the cost of burial and blame it on the cost of living? ~ Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 2? ~ Courage is fear that has said its prayers. ~ Creditors have better memories than debtors. ~ Cursor's flashing, but there's no response. ~ Dain bramaged. ~ Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. ~ DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it... ~ Did it ever occur to you that nothing occurs to God? ~ Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them. ~ Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? ~ Do union matchmakers have to close the cover before striking? ~ Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~ Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. ~ Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. ~ Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group. ~ Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. ~ Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. ~ For every proverb that so confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it. ~ Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. ~ Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger. ~ Hermits don't suffer from peer pressure. ~ Home is where you hang your @. ~ How come wrong numbers are never busy? ~ How do "Stay off the Grass" signs get there? ~ I am at one with my duality. ~ I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up to meetings three miles late. ~ I loaned ten thousand dollars to my (former) best friend to get plastic surgery. I haven't heard from him in nine months, and now I don't know what he looks like. ~ I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around and sang "Happy Birthday." ~ I spent the night in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. ~ I used to pick fuzz out of my belly button, but I gave it up for lint. ~ I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's one called brightness, but it doesn't seem to work. ~ I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous. ~ I'm not really happy. It's a chemical imbalance. ~ I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now. ~ I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. ~ I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me send money. ~ If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? ~ If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around to hear it, is there substantial evidence to sue for deforestation? ~ If everyone were employed, would unemployment officers be? ~ If fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? ~ If it was only a 3-hour cruise (Gilligan's Island), why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes? ~ If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? ~ If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws. ~ If mother always knows best, what happens when two mothers disagree? ~ If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag? ~ If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. ~ If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed. ~ If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? ~ If you hear no evil and see no evil, call the TV repairman. ~ Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? ~ It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated. ~ It took a couple of years, but when their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry. ~ It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. ~ It's not a REAL sponge cake unless you've borrowed all the ingredients. ~ Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. ~ Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. ~ Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it. ~ Life is like an onion: You peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. ~ Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time. ~ Luge is the only sport where you can die during the event and still win. ~ Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard. ~ Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young. ~ My doctor says I have the body of a 16-year-old... dog. ~ My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. ~ Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. ~ Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? ~ No man in the world has more courage than the one who can stop after eating one peanut. ~ On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not. ~ One good turn gets most of the blankets. ~ One of the lessons of life is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. ~ Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers. ~ People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross. ~ People will believe most anything that is whispered to another. ~ Polynesia: memory loss in parrots. ~ Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda' neat. ~ Prejudiced people are all alike. ~ Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton. ~ Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. ~ Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield. ~ Sometimes the garbage disposal gods demand the offering of a spoon ~ Strange, you stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in. ~ Sweater: a garment worn by a child when a mother feels chilly. ~ Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! ~ Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. ~ Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. ~ The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. ~ The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut. ~ The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is ten years. ~ The earth is full. Go home. ~ The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people that were here last year." ~ The secret to success is sincerity... and once you learn to fake it, you've got it made. ~ The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL? ~ The world isn't so much worse than before, it's just that the news coverage got so much better. ~ The world would be such a better place if there were more people like me. ~ There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year. ~ There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." ~ To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world. ~ Two wrongs don't make a right. But two Wrights made an airplane. ~ Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. ~ What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ~ When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am? ~ When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. ~ Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? ~ Why do they call it Alcoholics Anonymous if the first two things you tell everybody is your name and the fact that you are an alcoholic? ~ Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic? ~ Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future? ~ Why worry about tomorrow when there are so many bridges to burn today? ~ Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. ~ You know you're paranoid when you can't think of anything that's your fault. ~ You were born an original. Don't die a copy. ~ You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. ~ Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.

source: Mikey's Thots for the Day Jan-June 2000 tags: Humor