~ Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it ~ Allege: A rocky platform on a mountain ~ Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's ~ Arson: Our daughter's brother ~ Autobiography: A history of cars ~ Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do ~ Backward: Patient rooms at the rear of a hospital ~ Baloney: Where some hemlines fall ~ Bassinet: What every fisherman wants ~ Belong: To take your time ~ Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage ~ Book: a utensil used to pass time while waiting for the computer repairman ~ Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think ~ Budget: A method for going broke methodically ~ Bureaucracy: a method of turning energy into solid waste ~ Burglarize: What a crook sees with ~ Carpet: A dog that enjoys riding in an automobile ~ Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular ~ Coffee: Break fluid ~ Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage ~ Condescend: A prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope ~ Consciousness: that annoying time between naps ~ Control: A short, ugly inmate ~ Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets ~ Deduce: De lowest card in de deck ~ Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch ~ Diplomacy: The art of letting other people have your own way ~ Document: Repeating what your doctor told you in your own words ~ Dogma: A mother dog ~ Earthquake: A topographical error ~ Eclipse: What a gardener does to your hedge ~ Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist ~ Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers ~ Falsehood: Someone who pretends to be a gangster ~ Feast: An eat wave ~ Fission: What Huck Finn did when he played hookey ~ Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries ~ Flattery: Phony express ~ Geezer: Formerly known as studmuffin ~ Geometry: What the acorn said when it grew up ~ Grateful: What it takes to build a good fire ~ Ground beef: A cow with no legs ~ Handicap: A ready-to-use hat ~ Hanging: A suspended sentence ~ Hari-Kari: Transporting a wig ~ Heroes: What a guy in a boat does ~ Hunger: What the posse did to the lady rustler ~ Hypochondriac: A guy who won't let well enough alone ~ Hypothesis: What a boy says to his father on the telephone ~ Indecision: Under the whether ~ Intense: Where campers sleep ~ Kinship: Your brother's boat ~ Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the best lawyer ~ Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor. ~ Laundress: A gown worn while sitting on the grass ~ Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot ~ Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. ~ Midget: Center engine of a three-engine fast plane ~ Minimum: A very small mother ~ Misty: How golfers create divots ~ Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once ~ Nitrate: Cheapest price for calling long distance ~ Observatory: What George Washington asked his spies to do ~ Pandemonium: A housing development for pandas ~ Paradise: Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon ~ Paradox: Two physicians ~ Paraffins: Found on the sides of fish ~ Paralyze: Two untruths ~ Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower ~ Pharmacist: A helper on the farm ~ Polynesia: memory loss in parrots ~ Praise: Letting off esteem ~ Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV ~ Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy ~ Rampage: Section of a book about male sheep ~ Relief: What trees do in the spring ~ Sarcasm: Quip lash ~ Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does ~ Sesame: A seed useful for opening caves ~ Sherbet: A tip on a horse race or sporting event ~ Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark ~ Skier: A person who jumps to contusions ~ Sleet: A slipcover ~ Stirrup: What you do with cake batter ~ Subdued: Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man ~ Subsidy: A town underneath another town ~ Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them ~ Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official ~ Sweater: A garment worn by a child when the mother feels chilly ~ Taxes: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension ~ Teenager: An adolescent whose hang-ups do not include his clothes ~ Teenagers: People who express their desire to be different by dressing alike ~ Tenure: A year after nineure ~ Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary ~ Thursday: How you feel crossing the desert on a hot day ~ Trapeziod: A device for catching zoids ~ Unabated: A fishhook without a worm ~ Valorous: A big animal vit tusks vot lives in vater ~ Vanguard: A person who protects trucks ~ Violinist: A high-strung musician ~ Warehouse: What you ask when you are lost ~ Wholesale: Where a gopher goes to buy a home