Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternative meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries: Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Let's face it English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it? Now I know why I flunked my English. It's not my fault -- the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going.

Oxymorons Act naturally Found missing Resident alien Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation Safe sex Hospital food Good grief Same difference Almost exactly Government organization Sanitary landfill Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream Living dead Small crowd Business ethics Soft rock Butt head Military intelligence Software documentation New classic Sweet sorrow Childproof "Now, then ..." Synthetic natural gas Passive aggression Taped live Clearly misunderstood Peace force Temporary tax increase Computer jock Plastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer security Political science Tight slacks Definite maybe Pretty ugly Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice cream Working vacation Exact estimate Microsoft Works

Study: English a Factor in Dyslexia By PAUL RECER, AP Science Writer WASHINGTON (AP) - When English-speaking children with dyslexia begin to read, they face the awesome task of learning more than 1,100 ways that letters in the written language are used to symbolize the 40 sounds in the spoken language. This may explain why there are twice as many identified dyslexics in English-speaking cultures as in countries with less complex languages, according to a study appearing Friday in the journal Science. The study by an international team compared the brain scan images and reading skills of dyslexic university students in Italy, France and England. The researchers found virtually no difference in the neurological signature for dyslexia, but there was an immense difference in how well the students learned to read their native languages. ``It is much easier for dyslexics to learn to read in languages where there is a one-to-one relationship between a letters and the sounds,'' said Chris D. Frith, a researcher at the University College London and a co-author of the study. ``In English, there are more than a thousand ways to spell the sounds.'' In Italian, dyslexic students have a far easier time. The 33 sounds in Italian are spelled with only 25 letters or letter combinations. The researchers noted that identified dyslexics are rare in Italy because the language helps learning readers to quickly overcome problems caused by the disorder. To find dyslexics among Italian university students, the researcher had to conduct special tests to identify those with the neurological signature for the disorder. Experts have estimated that between 5 percent and 15 percent of Americans have some degree of dyslexia. Dyslexia involves a brain structure that makes it difficult for a learning reader to connect verbal sounds with the letters or symbols that ``spell'' that sound. Such connections are essential to learn to read. In the study, researchers found that English, French and Italian dyslexics did equally poorly in tests based on the short-term memory of verbal sounds, a key measure for the disorder. Yet the Italians were far better at reading their native language than were the English and French students. The students were then put through a series of reading exams using positron emission tomography to measure and image blood flow in specific parts of the brain, an indication of neurological activity. All of the students had the same deficits in the left temporal lobe of the brain while performing reading tasks. ``Although Italian dyslexics read more accurately than French or English dyslexics, they showed the same degree of impairment'' in the brain image, the study found. This suggests, the researchers said, that it is the language difference alone that makes it more difficult for English-speaking dyslexics to learn how to read. ``The complexity of the English and French written languages stems from historical events that have introduced spellings from other languages, while, in comparison, Italian has remained quite pure,'' said Eraldo Paulesu of the University of Milan Bicocca, the lead author of the study. In English, many words share the same letter combinations, but involve different sounds when spoken. For example: mint and pint; cough and bough, and clove and love. In French, the complexity stems from different letter combinations that ``spell'' the same or similar sound, such as ``au temps'' (at the time) and ``autant'' (as much, or so much). Firth said that Spanish, Finnish and Czech are ``dyslexia friendly'' languages because they lack the sound-spelling complexity of English and French. Japanese, he said, is also easier for children learning to read because of its consistency of sounds and symbols. ``One study found an Australian boy in Japan who was dyslexic in English, but not in Japanese,'' said Firth. ``That is the sort of thing that you would expect'' if language was a significant factor in the severity of the reading disorder. Dr. Thomas Zeffiro, co-director of the Center for the Study of Learning at Georgetown University, said the study by the European researchers was ``an exciting result'' for researchers studying dyslexia. But Zeffiro said the study, with only 72 subjects in three countries, was too small to draw final conclusions about how common dyslexia is among the peoples of the world. He said that brain imaging studies with small numbers are notorious for sampling errors - statistical flukes that distort conclusions. ``For these results to be generalized (for all humans) you would need four or five times more subjects,'' said Zeffiro. ``This lays the groundwork to make it worthwhile to do a much larger study.''

MEDICAL DAFFYNITIONS ~ Artery: The study of painting ~ Bacteria: The back door of the cafeteria ~ Barium: What doctors do when their patients die ~ Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O or U ~ Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome ~ CAT Scan: Searching for a kitty ~ Cauterize: To make eye contact with a girl ~ Coma: A punctuation mark ~ Enema: Someone who is not your friend ~ Fester: Quicker ~ Fibula: A small lie ~ Labor Pain: When you get hurt at work ~ Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates ~ Node: Was aware of ~ Outpatient: A patient who fainted ~ Pelvis: An Elvis impersonator ~ Recovery Room: A place to do upholstery ~ Secretion: Something you don't want anyone to know ~ Seizure: A Roman emperor ~ Tablet: A small table ~ Terminal: Where the planes land ~ Urine: Opposite of "you're out" ~ Varicose: Nearby ~ Vein: To be conceited

~ Adolescence: The period when a teenager feels he will never be as dumb as his parents ~ Americans: People with more timesaving devices yet less time than anybody else in the world ~ Banker: A pawnbroker with a manicure ~ Coach: One who is always willing to lay down your life for his job ~ Dentist: A magician who puts metal in your mouth and pulls coins from your pocket ~ Dermatologist: One who makes rash judgments ~ Diplomacy: The art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock ~ Disarmament: An agreement between nations to scuttle all weapons that are obsolete ~ Efficiency Expert: The person smart enough to tell you how to run a business but too smart to start his own ~ Experience: The name we give our mistakes ~ Honeymoon: A vacation a man takes before beginning work under a new boss ~ Hunch: An idea you're afraid is wrong ~ Incentive: The possibility of getting more money than you earn ~ Kodaclone: Duplicating film. ~ Lame Duck: A politician whose goose is cooked ~ Life Insurance: A policy that keeps you poor so you can die rich ~ Pacifist: A guy who fights everybody but the enemy ~ Planning: The art of putting off until tomorrow what you have no intention of doing today ~ Professor: One who talks in someone else's sleep ~ Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. ~ Rich Man: One who is not afraid to ask the clerk for something cheaper ~ Tact: The ability to see others as they wish to be seen. ~ Tact: The art of making guests feel at home when that's where you wish they were

A panda walks into a diner, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter. As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the owner, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The owner opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for "panda": "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

The English Language Lets face it. English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on another You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which you fill in a form By filling it out And a bell is only heard once it goes! English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all) That is why When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this poem It ends.

Learn a new word each day: Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney uh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette urn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize ur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with. Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse i-klips': What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes hee'-rhos: What a guy in a boat does. Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots. Paradox par'-u-doks: Two physicians. Parasites par'-uh-sites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: A helper on the farm. Polarize po'-lur-ize: What penguins see with.

A Swiss man visiting Sydney, Australia pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Aussies just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare blankly. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy gives up and drives off. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "What for?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!"

As a public service, here are some common phrases used in the church, along with their English-language equivalents: Christianese: "If it be God's will." Translation: "I really don't think God is going to answer this one. Christianese: "Let's have a word of prayer." Translation: "I am going to pray for a long, long, long time." Christianese: "That's not my spiritual gift." Translation: "Find someone else." Christianese: "Fellowship" Translation: "Organized gluttony." Christianese: "The Lord works in mysterious ways." Translation: "I'm totally clueless." Christianese: "Lord willing . . ." Translation: "You may think I'll be there, but I won't." Christianese: "I don't feel led." Translation: "Can't make me." Christianese: "God led me to do something else." Translation: I slept in instead of going to church. Christianese: "God really helped me with this test." Translation: "I didn't study but I guessed good, so I'm giving God credit in the hope that He helps me again." Christianese: "She has such a sweet spirit!" Translation: "What an airhead!" Christianese: "I have a 'check' in my spirit about him." Translation: "I can't stand that jerk!" Christianese: "I'll be praying for you." Translation: "There's an outside chance I'll remember this conversation later today." Christianese: "Prayer concerns" Translation: "Gossip" Christianese: "In conclusion . . . " Translation: "I'll be done in another hour or so." Christianese: "Let us pray" Translation: "I'm going to pretend to talk to God now, but I'm really preaching at you." Christianese: "You just have to put it in God's hands." Translation: "Don't expect me to help you." Christianese: "God wants to prosper you!" Translation: "Give me all your money."

Christianese: "If it be God's will." Translation: "I really don't think God is going to answer this one. Christianese: "Let's have a word of prayer." Translation: "I am going to pray for a long, long, long time." Christianese: "That's not my spiritual gift." Translation: "Find someone else." Christianese: "Fellowship" Translation: "Organized gluttony." Christianese: "The Lord works in mysterious ways." Translation: "I'm totally clueless." Christianese: "Lord willing . . ." Translation: "You may think I'll be there, but I won't." Christianese: "I don't feel led." Translation: "Can't make me." Christianese: "God led me to do something else." Translation: I slept in instead of going to church. Christianese: "God really helped me with this test." Translation: "I didn't study but I guessed good, so I'm giving God credit in the hope that He helps me again." Christianese: "She has such a sweet spirit!" Translation: "What an airhead!" Christianese: "I have a 'check' in my spirit about him." Translation: "I can't stand that jerk!" Christianese: "I'll be praying for you." Translation: "There's an outside chance I'll remember this conversation later today." Christianese: "Prayer concerns" Translation: "Gossip" Christianese: "In conclusion . . . " Translation: "I'll be done in another hour or so." Christianese: "Let us pray" Translation: "I'm going to pretend to talk to God now, but I'm really preaching at you." Christianese: "You just have to put it in God's hands." Translation: "Don't expect me to help you." Christianese: "God wants to prosper you!" Translation: "Give me all your money."

Embrace Reality

How many legs does a dog have, if you call a tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.

Huh?

If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, then this sentence wouldn't be false.