Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.

One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid.

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks he had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?" "Sand," said the cyclist. "If you don't mind sir, we'll just take a look at those." The cyclist did as he was told. The guards searched the bags but could find nothing but sand. He continued across the border. Next week the same thing happened. Again the guards demanded to see the two bags, which contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months until it stopped suddenly. Some time later one of the guards happened to meet the cyclist on the street. "Say, you sure drove us crazy. We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I promise I won't rat--I just gotta know: what were you smuggling?" "Bicycles."

Yesterday is a dream, Tomorrow is a vision, Today is a bitch.

An expert is a regular guy 100 miles from home.

Let's Imagine - It's time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here's the scoop on three leading candidates. Candidate A: + Associates with ward healers and consults with astrologists. + He's had two mistresses. + He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B: + Was kicked out of office twice. + Sleeps until noon. + Used opium in college. + Drinks a quart of brandy every evening. Candidate C: + Is a decorated war hero. + He's a vegetarian + Doesn't smoke, + Drinks an occasional beer + Hasn't had any illicit affairs. Which of these candidates is your choice? You don't really need any more information, do you? Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt Candidate B is Winston Churchill Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

A story about a student named Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, who was admitted at the prestigious Oxford University, and was now living in the hall of residence in his first year there. His clan was so excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit (no doubt carrying reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.) "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied in his thick brogue. "They're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams, away into the night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."

TICONDEROGA, N.Y. (AP) -- A company is trying to erase an embarrassing mistake it made on pencils bearing an anti-drug message. The pencils carry the slogan: "Too Cool to Do Drugs." But a sharp-eyed fourth-grader in northern New York noticed when the pencils are sharpened, the message turns into "Cool to Do Drugs" then simply "Do Drugs." As a result of the discovery by 10-year-old Kodi Mosier of Ticonderoga Elementary School, the company, called The Bureau For At-Risk Youth of Plainview, recalled the pencils. "We're actually a little embarrassed that we didn't notice that sooner," spokeswoman Darlene Clair told today's Press-Republican of Plattsburgh. A new batch of pencils will have the message written in the opposite direction, so when they are sharpened, they read "Too Cool To Do" and finally "Too Cool." For pointing out the botched message, Moiser earned his class a letter of apology from the company and box full of T-shirts. Why does Kodi think the company didn't catch the mistake themselves? "I guess they didn't sharpen their pencils," he said.

A boy whose mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting his thumb with lemon juice to discourage him sucking it, was finally told, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old walked up to her, considered her gravely for a minute, then said, "Naughty ... I know what *you've* been doing."

A small boy once approached his slightly older sister with a question about God. "Susie, can anybody ever really see God?" he asked. Busy with other things, Susie curtly replied, "No, of course not, silly. God is so far up in heaven that nobody can see him." Time passed, but his question still lingered so he approached his mother: "Mom, can anybody ever really see God?" "No, not really," she gently said. "God is a spirit and he dwells in our hearts, but we can never really see him." Somewhat satisfied but still wondering, the youngster went on his way. Not long afterwards, his saintly old grandfather took the little boy on a fishing trip. They were having a great time together--it had been an ideal day. The sun was beginning to set with unusual splendor as the day ended. The old man stopped fishing and turned his full attention to the exquisite beauty unfolding before him. On seeing the face of his grandfather reflecting such deep peace and contentment as he gazed into the magnificent ever-changing sunset, the little boy thought for a moment and finally spoke hesitatingly: "Grandpa, I-I--wasn't going to ask anybody else, but I wonder if you can tell me the answer to something I've been wondering about a long time. Can anybody--can anybody ever really see God?" The old man did not even turn his head. A long moment slipped by before he finally answered. "Son," he quietly said. "It's getting so I can't see anything else."

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?" "Rain."

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.'"

"Perception is strong and sight weak. In strategy, it is important to see distant things as if they were close and to take a distanced view of close things."

Worry Hinders Our Faith According to our nation's Bureau of Standards, a dense fog covering seven city blocks to a depth of a hundred feet contains less than one glass of water. All of that fog, if it could be condensed into water, wouldn't quite fill a drinking glass. Compare this to the things we often worry about. Like fog our worries can thoroughly block our vision of the light of God's promises, but the fact is, they have little substance to them.

Appearances aren't always as they seem. You see something that indicates this or that, but to quote the old song, "It ain't necessarily so." Take the famed Parthenon in Athens, for example. I was there earlier this year and said to my host, "What a perfect building!" Well, it surely seems that way. How many structures around the world have been modeled after that exquisite architecture! But, the genius of the Parthenon is that it is not -- NOT -- perfect at all. It is the imperfection of the structure that makes it APPEAR perfect. Let me explain: There are eight massive pillars in front and back of the building and 17 down each side. Those pillars are not standing straight but instead lean to the center, so that if they were extended to the sky, they would meet! Further, the pillars are not straight-sided but rounded in the middle. That makes them APPEAR straight from a distance. The steps in front are not straight either but convex. Which makes them look -- you're right -- straight.

An ANAGRAM, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding! Dormitory = Dirty Room Evangelist = Evil's Agent Desperation = A Rope Ends It The Morse Code = Here Come Dots Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em Animosity = Is No Amity Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness = Genuine Class Semolina = Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one Contradiction = Accord not in it

A man sat down in a restaurant and asked the waitress what the daily special was. She replied, "Boiled tongue." "Boiled tongue!" responded the horrified customer, "That's disgusting! There's no way that I'd ever eat anything that's been in a cows mouth. Ummm, just give me two eggs over easy, some link sausage, and a glass of milk instead!"

Respect him and suspect him. {Jewish proverb on how to handle powerful but untrustworthy people}

If you're too cold, or too hot, at the office, you can always adjust the thermostat, right? Maybe. If you have access to it. But it turns out that even if a thermostat is within reach, it may be a fake. The Wall Street Journal quoted air conditioning experts in Wednesday's editions as saying a lot of office thermostats aren't connected to anything. They're just there to give employees a feeling of control and perhaps to shut them up about how hot or cold it is. Sometimes the employer who's leasing office space doesn't even know the thermostat is a fake. Other times, it's the employer who arranges for it. One specialist in Illinois estimated that 90 percent of office thermostats are dummies -- although others say the figure is less than 2 percent. He said that sooner or later, you just get tired of the complaints and just attach a phony thermostat. "They quit calling you," he said.

Golden Buddha of Trimitr Temple Weighs approximately 5 1/2 tons, the 15-foot tall seated image is worth in the neighborhood of US$14 Million. The Golden Buddha was cast sometime in the 13th century and is an excellent example of the gracious Sukhothai style that is still very much in favor to this day. At some point, it was covered in plaster, most likely in an attempt to hide the valuable icon from thieves or looters. The disguise was so good that everyone apparently forgot about what was hidden beneath. King Rama III had the statue moved to Bangkok and installed in a temple near where the Oriental Hotel is today. That temple fell into disuse and was completely abandoned around 1931. The true nature of the Golden Buddha wasn't discovered until it was moved to its present location at Wat Traimit in 1955. When the image was being prepared for its move, some of the plaster was chipped off, revealing the gold underneath. Bits of the plaster can be seen in a case to the left of the statue.

The world is governed more by appearances than realities, so that it is fully as necessary to seem to know something as to know it.

To love a person means to see him as God intended him to be. -- Dostoevsky