Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0, and I can find no documentation on several features. For example, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as RunAnywhere 10.3 and StayOut 2.5 cause freezes, and the new program has also spawned a couple unexpected child processes that have taken up a lot of space and resources. I had thought about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but there is no "revert to previous state" feature. Can you help me? On my knees, K. Lewis --- Dear K. Lewis, This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is actually an entire OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING! DO NOT try to: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disasterious, resulting in the loss of valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. There is no backdoor; some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 and found the proplems persist, or even tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the back-ground while Wife 1.0 is running. Inevitably, a system conflict occurs; possibly leading to a non-recoverable system crash. We recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and adjust a few user input parameters. I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). Should a GPF occur, the best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button AS SOON AS lock-up occurs. The system will run smooth as long as you provide needed maintenance time. It is possible to free up CPU time; be sure that several of your search and scan routines are stopped. Because of the unique system each copy runs on, no one manual will cover all enabled features. New users should first consult with those who have been running Wife 1.0 for many years before installing a copy yourself. You might consider joining one of our established local users group to discuss your specific configuration. Remember, the installation of Wife 1.0 can allow maximum system potential. Killer apps Contentment 2.5 and Reliability 6.12a have been known to max out when run with TLC 2 and Communicator 5.0. There are no plans for upgrades; Wife 1.0 was designed to work for a lifetime. Sincerely, The development team. - By laughalot-owner@laughalot.com (From similar ideas, unknown sources)

It is estimated that 85% of arranged marriages work out.

"The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."

At the Olympic Games in Paris in 1924 the sport of canoe racing was added to the list of international competitions. The favorite team in the four-man canoe race was the United States team. One member of that team was a young man by the name of Bill Havens. As the time for the Olympics neared, it became clear that Bill's wife would give birth to her first child about the time that Bill would be competing in the Paris Games. In 1924 there were no jet airliners from Paris to the United States, only slow-moving ocean-going ships. And so Bill found himself in a dilemma. Should he go to Paris and risk not being at his wife's side when their first child was born? Or should he withdraw from the team and remain behind. Bill's wife insisted that he go to Paris. After all, he had been working towards this for all these years. It was the culmination of a life-long dream. Clearly the decision was not easy for Bill to make. Finally, after much soul searching, Bill decided to withdraw from the competition and remain behind with his wife so that he could be with her when their first child arrived. Bill considered being at her side a higher priority than going to Paris to fulfill a life-long dream. To make a long story short, the United States four-man canoe team won the gold medal at the Paris Olympics. And Bill's wife was late in giving birth to her first child. She was so late that Bill could have competed in the event and returned home in time to be with her when she gave birth. People said, "What a shame." But Bill said he had no regrets. After all, his commitment to his wife was more important then, and it still was now. The story of Bill Havens is a story of how one man paid a high price to fulfill a commitment to someone he loved. _________________ If the above illustration is used offer this sequel near the end of your sermon: There is a sequel to the story of Bill Havens. The child eventually born to Bill and his wife was a boy, whom they named Frank. Twenty-eight years later, in 1952, Bill received a cablegram from Frank. It was sent from Helsinki, Finland, where the 1952 Olympics were being held. The cablegram read, and I quote it exactly: "Dad, I won. I'm bringing home the gold medal you lost while waiting for me to be born." Frank Havens had just won the gold medal for the United States in the canoe-racing event, a medal his father had dreamed of winning but never did. There is a sequel to our acts of commitment as well, our commitments to one another, and our commitment to God. We reap the abundant harvest of righteousness. We reap a harvest of joy and peace that endures forever

One day George grew very sick. As his wife approached him he looked up and smiled. She began to cry but she tried to hold back her tears. When she built up her courage she said "George, During the 47 years that we were married, I was always with you. During the flood that destroyed the house, I was with you. When you had heart surgery, I was with you. When our financial problems were depressing you, I was with you. When the fire burnt down our house, I was with you. And now that you are about to die, I am with you." Then man nodded his head and replied in a soft weak voice "you were with me all those times Mildred. Maybe you are just bad luck."

"The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door there was my mother-in-law on the front porch. She said, 'Can I stay here for a few days?' I said: 'Sure you can,' and shut the door."

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago.

Advice to husbands on how to handle marital disputes. Decide if you want to be right or if you want to be happy.

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex watch." "But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he'll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

An 80-year-old couple was worried because they kept forgetting things all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously wrong except old age, and suggested they carry a notebook and write things down so they wouldn't forget. Several days later the old man got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, "Dear, get me a bowl of ice cream while you're up." "Okay," he said. "...and put some chocolate syrup on it and a few cherries on it, too," she added. "You'd better write all this down." "I won't forget!" he said. Twenty minutes later he came back into the room and handed her a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon. She glared at him. "Now, I told you to write it down! I knew you'd forget." "What did I forget?" he asked. She replied, "My toast!"

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her."

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own air fares ... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

On their way to get married, a couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . . .. .for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what! with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a preacher up here who wants to take a chance on marring someone for eternity! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

Someone sent me these interesting statements related to the kitchen: * A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand * A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life * A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House * A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen... And This Kitchen Is Delirious * Help keep the kitchen clean - Eat OUT * Housework Done Properly Can Kill You * If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap. * No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes * Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator

There was a middle aged guy who bought a Mercedes convertible 2000. He took off down the road, floored it up to 80 mph and enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him with his blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road to wait for the State Trooper to catch up with him. The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday." "If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go". The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper and I thought you were bringing her back!! The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day!"

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," Explained the man. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. One more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, "That's once."

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he demanded silence. "My sword! Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and we shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Fine. Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let this other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "Indeed, the accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hack him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Precisely!" said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants you to bring her sign back!"

I watched them pour the driveway to our house. The workers laid down steel rods, then as they poured the cement, they pulled the rods up so they would be in the middle of the concrete as it hardened. "What do you need the rods for?" I asked one of the workers. "It makes the concrete stronger. Reinforced concrete." "Yes, I know, but how do the rods make the concrete stronger?" The worker picked up one of the rods. "Look, if you push down on it, it bends real easy." His muscles bulged and the rod bent. "But you couldn't pull it apart. This hunk of rod could pull that truck over there. On the other hand, a piece of concrete is easy to pull apart. But if you push down on it, it won't bend." "So?" "So they've got opposite strengths. The steel is strong when you pull, the concrete is strong when you push. Put them together, and you've got reinforced concrete, which is strong both ways. That's how they make all those big buildings and bridges. Concrete by itself or steel by itself wouldn't be strong enough."

I think the bottom-line difference between being single and being married is this: When you're single you're as happy as you are. When you're married, you can only be as happy as the least happy person in the apartment.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Thrifty Car Rental sponsors an annual Honeymoon Disasters Contest (www.honeymoondisasters.com), and they have received stories on everything from mudslides to Montezuma's revenge. For example, on their way to Nevada, Paul and Leah Lusk of Sugar City, Idaho, flipped their car into floodwaters. When they emerged, Paul, who had hit his head, couldn't remember the accident, recognize his bride, or recall he'd just been married. Then there is the story of Chris and Doug of Clovis, California, who honeymooned in Cancun, Mexico. They lounged by the pool, ate terrific seafood buffets, and went dancing. Back at the hotel, six-foot-three, 255-pound Doug playfully threw his bride on the bed. He landed on her and broke two bones in her right leg. Three hours, one plate, and eight screws later, Chris was left with an $11,000 hospital bill that insurance wouldn't cover. Mae and Kyle of Richmond, Virginia, who were finalists in Thrifty's contest last year, were forced to listen to the comedian on their cruise ship joke about the Titanic movie. Then the couple awoke to the horrible sound of crunching metal and the captain's order to abandon ship. Their lifeboat made it to shore in St. Maarten, where the cruise line put them up at a nudist colony.

By Uwe Siemon-Netto UPI Religion Editor From the Life & Mind Desk Published 3/12/2003 5:50 PM View printer-friendly version WASHINGTON, March 12 (UPI) -- For Jennifer Hoes, a Dutch student, May 28 will be a doubly exciting day. She'll turn 30, and she'll be a blushing bride -- plus her own groom. In the Trouwzaal, or wedding room, of the City Hall of Haarlem in the Netherlands, Jennifer will marry herself. Bedecked in a wedding gown studded with 200 perfect latex copies of her own nipples, Jennifer will appear before Ruud Grondel, Haarlem's registrar, and promise to "love, respect and honor" herself in good times and in bad, according to Dutch and German newspaper reports. Then Jennifer, her mother, her uncle, aunts, cousins and some other 80 relatives will indulge in a $22,000 wedding feast. That done, Jennifer's wedding garment, studs included, will wind up in the show window of the shop that manufactured it free of charges. Jennifer pretty much acknowledges that hers will be the quintessential postmodern union. "We live in a 'Me' society. Hence it is logical that one promises to be faithful to oneself," she told a reporter of Der Spiegel, the leading German newsmagazine. This leaves of course a number of unanswered questions: Will she fall for the postmodern rage and adopt a double-barreled name -- Jennifer Hoes-Hoes, for example? And what if she ceases to like herself -- will divorce be an option, and which Hoes will get the car? Indeed, what if she should fall in love with somebody else deeply enough to wed him -- must she first send herself packing? In case she doesn't but still says, "I do," to the guy, would this be considered an act of bigamy? Could she go to jail for that? "There's room for two rings of my finger," she said. In more ways than one, Jennifer ought to be congratulated. Intentionally or unintentionally, she is taking the Mickey out of a nutty society determined to deconstruct matrimony, a state most religions and cultures have since time immemorial held up as holy and essential for the health of communities and nations. To be sure, Jennifer's auto-marriage will be a secular event. But, rest assured, it won't be long before some churches and synagogues will give such unions their blessing. To paraphrase Malcolm Muggeridge, there is no cause mad enough not to enlist the services of demented clergymen strumming their guitars. Think of those Dutch, Danish, German and indeed American clerics asking men and men and women and women to kiss each other after they appeared with white carnations in their lapels before the altar. Think of the pastors sealing these unions with the sign of the cross. Think of Bob Edgar, general secretary of the National Council of Churches of Christ, who in the year 2000 withdrew his signature from an interdenominational "Marriage Declaration" defining matrimony as a union between a man and a woman. At their ordination, all these ministers promised to uphold Scripture, which makes it very clear that marriage between man and woman is an order of creation. It an essential element in man's role as God's cooperator in the ongoing process of creation. Seen from the monotheistic perspective, Jennifer's "marriage" is the quintessence of idolatry; it is a bow before what Christopher Hershman, a pastor and psychologist in Allentown, Pa., calls the "postmodern Trinity": Me, Myself and I. Jennifer doesn't say, but perhaps she got the idea of marrying herself after years of observing same-sex pairs of seemingly identical twins all over the place. If so, she is to be commended. What better way mock a culture, which is so much into itself that its generally youthful exponents -- their mobile phones glued to their ears -- keep banging into you in the street because they simply do not see you unless you look precisely like them. Whatever folly visits Holland will soon cross the Atlantic. That's a rule of thumb. One shudders to think of the ornaments on the wedding gowns worn at one-person weddings and then exhibited in American malls. By God, if any mad event underscores the need for a federal amendment declaring marriage as a union solely between a man and a woman -- an amendment introduced in Congress in 2001 -- Jennifer Hoes's wedding will certainly fit the bill. Look at Haarlem, the Netherlands, on May 28, and sniff the postmodern rot. This might well become America's future -- or, rather, no future at all.

A man who ended his marriage will become his ex-wife's stepfather when he marries her mother. George Greenhowe, 22, will marry Pat Smith, 44, in Arbroath, and his ex-wife Allison has agreed to act as bridesmaid. The wedding will take place in the town's Register Office - the same venue for the wedding of Allison, 19, and George last year. Until recently, the three lived under the same roof in Wardykes, Arbroath, says the Daily Record. Allison only moved back in with her father, Allan, because there was no room in the council house she shared with her mum, ex-husband and pets, including an alsatian, five pups, two cats, a hamster and a parrot. Pat says Allison has forgiven her for taking her husband. "Allison told us she hopes we are happy and she even calls my future husband her stepdad." But Patricia Williamson, Pat's elderly mother, has disowned her daughter. She said: "I have completely washed my hands of my daughter. It is news to me that they are getting married. I certainly won't be going to the service and I don't know anyone from the family who will be attending."

A husband who was experiencing marital troubles was asked, ‘Were you married by the justice of the peace?” “Yes,” came the reply, “but they should have called him the secretary of war.”

Pray Together, Stay Together? Want a marriage that lasts? Dust off your hymnal. A 15-year study found that couples who went to church once a month were less than half as likely to divorce than non-churchgoers. In the study, 37 percent of those who rarely attended church divorced, while only 14 percent of regular churchgoers parted company. Researchers James P. Swyers and David B. Larson of the International Center for the Integration of Health & Spirituality found faith had "a strong, beneficial influence on the stability and quality of marriages. Spouses who attend church regularly have the lowest risk of divorce." But if one attends church much more than the other, the marriage is less likely to endure. Swyers and Larson say churchgoers solve problems more constructively than church-skippers who are more prone to verbal aggression and stonewalling. And it doesn't hurt that religious couples see their marriage "as having sacred, spiritual significance." Whether they were of the same denomination didn't seem to matter. Prayer played a big role: 53 percent of those who prayed about conflicts reported good marital adjustment, compared with 17 percent who didn't seek divine help. So to shore up your marriage, you may have to cancel Sunday brunch!

Original page: http://my.webmd.com/content/Article/82/97196.htm -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Math May Tell Which Marriages Last Calculus, More Than Chemistry, Predicts Future Divorce Rates By Sid Kirchheimer WebMD Medical News Reviewed By Brunilda Nazario, MD on Friday, February 13, 2004 Feb. 13, 2004 -- "Chemistry" may get the credit as the foundation for a good relationship, but new research suggests that calculus may better predict whether it stays intact. Researchers say that a mathematical formula they devised can predict with at least 94% accuracy which couples will eventually divorce. "We actually were at 100% accuracy for most of our study, but a few couples we didn't think would get a divorce based on our formula did, which lowered our accuracy," says mathematician James D. Murray, PhD, DSc, FRS, of the University of Washington and Oxford University. "Still, after testing it on 700 couples, it's incredibly accurate." The formula, which will be officially presented Saturday at the annual of meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science, predicts future divorce rates based on positive or negative numerical scores given for specific expressions or comments made as couples discussed a point of contention while being interviewed by a marriage counselor. "It could be about money, sex, in-laws, housing -- whatever," Murray tells WebMD. "We videotaped couples during a 15-minute conversation and then tracked scores based on their actions and reactions onto a graph, so it wound up looking like a jagged-lined, cumulative Dow Jones average stock report." The mathematical model charts this interaction into what the researchers call a "Dow Jones Industrial Average for marital conversation." For instance, a roll of the eyes by one mate scored a negative 4 score; a nod indicting interest or well-placed use of humor when discussions got heated warranted a positive 4. Add the scores and it comes to this bottom line: It's not whether a couple frequently argues that predicts their success. It's how they argue. Masters and Disasters of Marriage "When couples whose marriages are stable over time talk about an area of contention or disagreement, their discussions have five times as many positive comments or expressions as negative. In couples who eventually headed to divorce, ratio of positive-to-negative was 0.8 to 1," says psychologist John Gottman, PhD, a noted marriage expert who conceived the mathematical formula and enlisted Murray's mathematical skills to help develop it some 13 years ago. The scores for these ratios are based on two coding systems that Gottman developed -- a checklist of 13 behaviors scored for the speaker, and nine behaviors that are scored for the listener on each turn at speech, in both contentious discussions as well as any type of conversation. Before this model was developed, divorce prediction was not accurate," Gottman says, "and we had no idea how to analyze what we call the masters and disasters of marriage -- those long-term happily married and divorced couples." "When the masters of marriage are talking about something important, they may be arguing, but they are also laughing and teasing and there are signs of affection because they have made emotional connections," Gottman says. "But a lot of people don't know how to connect or how to build a sense of humor, and this means a lot of fighting that couples engage in is a failure to make emotional connections. We wouldn't have known this without the mathematical model." Make or Break Factors Some of the most significant factors were the nonverbal cues. "For example, there's a facial expression of contempt in which the left lip corner moves to the side and creates a dimple. We see it all the time in couples who are going to break up - and it's huge in our mathematical formula," Gottman tells WebMD. "Eye rolling and sighing in response to a partner's comment are also very big negative behaviors." Scoring high on the positive end: Words or actions that show empathy, support, or just interest in what the mate expresses about contentious topics -- for instance, supporting words or gestures such as an "I-hear-you-sweetie" nod. "On the positive side, humor and affection are probably the two most important," says Gottman, who directs the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle and is professor emeritus of psychology at UW. "But you even get some, but not many, positive points for just bringing up a problem in neutral terms, without emotion." In addition to predicting divorce with the 5-to-1 ratio of positive-to-negative interactions, Murray says the model can actually predict when it's likely to occur: Couples with a steep drop from a neutral point on their "stock chart" typically divorced within five years; a more gentle downward spiral suggested a breakup after 16 years of marriage. The 700 couples were drawn from six separate studies conducted by Gottman over the past 32 years. "They include the entire spectrum of married people -- young newlyweds, couples with small children, those with teenaged kids, seniors, even same-sex relationships." The actual mathematical formula has been tested on them for 13 years, and many couples are still being tracked. So how do you stack the numbers in your favor? "If I have to give one piece of advice based on this for heterosexual relationships, I'd say it's the importance of a man honoring his wife's life dreams, and showing his support," Gottman tells WebMD. "For women, it's having a gentle approach to raising issues. For instance, rather than saying, 'You don't pay enough attention to me', you say, 'Honey, I'm getting that lonely feeling because I really miss you and need more of you in my day.' "Basically, in good relationships people pussy-foot around each other. They think about how their partner is going to react before they act or speak." Susan Heitler, PhD, a marriage therapist in Denver and author of The Power of Two, a book on improving relationships, tells WebMD that the mathematical formula for predicting divorce indeed adds up. "What this does is put into mathematical form what clinicians, relatives, and neighbors see for years before people they know get a divorce," she says. "The more negativity there is in a relationship, the less happiness. And at some point, the couple says, 'this isn't worth it.'" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SOURCES: American Association for the Advancement of Science annual meeting, Seattle, Feb. 12-16, 2004. James D Murray, PhD, DSc, FRS, professor emeritus of applied mathematics, University of Washington, Seattle; professor emeritus of mathematical biology, University of Oxford, England. John Gottman, PhD, director, Relationship Research Institute, Seattle; professor emeritus of psychology at University of Washington, Seattle; author, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Susan Heitler, PhD, clinical psychologist and marriage therapist, Denver; author, The Power of Two. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- © 2004 WebMD Inc. All rights reserved.

In the wedding, the sequence is something like this: The isle, then the alter, then the hymn. Then after the wedding it just becomes, "I’ll alter him!"

You may have started off as an ideal --then your wedding-marriage becomes more accurately --an ordeal. Finally you start looking for a new deal.

The three rings of a marriage The engagement ring, --then there’s the wedding ring --then there’s the suffering.

PMS stands for: "Punish My Spouse..."

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. -- Jim Backus

The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin. -- Honore de Balzac

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. -- David Bissonette

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. -- Archie Bunker, character on "All in the Family," U.S. television show

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. -- S. T. Coleridge

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass Daley

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. -- Goethe

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. -- Jean Kerr

Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. -- Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. -- H. L. Mencken

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. -- Ogden Nash

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

The minute some people open their mouths you know they are going to be successful. Consider the young fellow who came to ask a father for permission to marry his daughter. The first words he uttered were, "I know a way, sir, whereby you can save a lot of money."

When a couple marries they become one. The problems don't start until they try to decide which one. By: Ron Dentinger Source: Catholic Reader, p.131

People ask me what advice I have for a married couple struggling in their relationship. I always answer: pray and forgive. And to young people from violent homes, I say: pray and forgive. And again, even to the single mother with no family support: pray and forgive.

People who don't want to get dragged into some kind of work often develop a protective incompetence at it. Paul Erdos was particularly good at this. By seeming unable even to cut a grapefruit in half (let alone go to the store and buy one), he forced other people to do such things for him, leaving all his time free for math. Erdos was an extreme case, but most husbands use the same trick to some degree.

Jesse at Indian trading post: "Dad check out this cool lighter." Dad tries to fire up lighter, "Ahhhhhhhhhh, that shocked me." Jesse "BBBBaaaa ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha........can I buy it." Dad, "No you can't buy that..........but you can go show it to your mom."

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

The conception of the relations between men and women in ante-bellum America idealized an inseparable blending of sexuality, companionship, tenderness, loyalty, and mutual respect. This combination, which defined love, was regarded as the richest gift nature had given humans. The sexual component in this ensemble has ascended to a preeminent position in this list, as well as in the larger set of life's delights, because other sources of happiness have descended. The third-ranked chimpanzee in a troop becomes the alpha male if the two more dominant animals suffer mortal wounds, even though his inherent characteristics remain unchanged.

Who's the Boss?

"When you retire you switch bosses, from the one who hired you, to the one who married you." -- Stanford Grounds Services crew supervisor Mary Nolan, speaking at a picnic in honor of groundskeeper Arturo Rodriguez, who retired after working at Stanford for 42 years.

Heavenly Marriage

It’s not that there will be no marriage in heaven. It’s that there will be *one* marriage in heaven.

Soulmates

Soulmates are forged not found.