Women like silent men. They think they're listening.

What attracts us in a woman rarely binds us to her.

For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

The silliest woman can manage a clever man; but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.

On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women.

She had lost the art of conversation, but not, unfortunately, the power of speech.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women, cover your ears and stop listening. Men, pay close attention. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're hearing this, this brings up another point: women never follow directions either.

An Irishman named O'Malley was at his doctor. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, "I have bad news. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two to four weeks to live," O'Malley was shocked. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son. We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live; I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them marrying your mother after I'm gone."

Top 8 Signs your Significant Other is an Agent of SATAN 8> Constantly doing aerobics to "Sweatin' To The Eternal Fires of Damnation" video. 7> C'mon -- do you really think *God* would find a partner for a loser like you? 6> Brimstone and fire and the smell of sulfur every night, even when he hasn't had Taco Bell. 5> Claims she got that "Roast Suckling Child" recipe by watching Martha Stewart. 4> Uses a toaster to keep the bathwater hot. 3> You say, "I'd sell my soul for a good bagel in this town"; she pulls out a receipt pad. 2> The head rotating, the screaming and cursing, the pea soup vomit... and it's not even that time of the month! 1> While playing Go Fish, she asks, "Got any souls?"

MEN & WOMEN COMPARED NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

I asked my friend if I could have his encyclopedias, because he's married now and his wife knows everything.

One day, Eve was walking in the garden with the Lord. She said, "Lord, the garden is wonderful, and the animals and birds provide such joy, but I am still lonely sometimes." "No problem!" the Lord replied. "I will make you a man for a companion. He will desire to please you and to be with you. But I have to warn you, he won't be perfect. He'll have a difficult time understanding you're feelings, will tend to think only of himself if allowed to, and will stay out late with his bowling buddies." "What's bowling?" Eve asked. "Oh... never mind. I was just getting ahead of myself, sorry." "That's OK. I think I can handle this 'man'," Eve replied. "Great, I'll get right to it!" God said, and started grabbing some mud and shaping it. Suddenly, the Lord stopped and said to Eve, "Oh, there's one other thing about this man I'm making for you." "What's that?" asked Eve. "You'll have to tell him he was here first."

Why the hell doesn't anyone make brown underwear?

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0, and I can find no documentation on several features. For example, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as RunAnywhere 10.3 and StayOut 2.5 cause freezes, and the new program has also spawned a couple unexpected child processes that have taken up a lot of space and resources. I had thought about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but there is no "revert to previous state" feature. Can you help me? On my knees, K. Lewis --- Dear K. Lewis, This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is actually an entire OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING! DO NOT try to: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disasterious, resulting in the loss of valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. There is no backdoor; some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 and found the proplems persist, or even tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the back-ground while Wife 1.0 is running. Inevitably, a system conflict occurs; possibly leading to a non-recoverable system crash. We recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and adjust a few user input parameters. I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). Should a GPF occur, the best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button AS SOON AS lock-up occurs. The system will run smooth as long as you provide needed maintenance time. It is possible to free up CPU time; be sure that several of your search and scan routines are stopped. Because of the unique system each copy runs on, no one manual will cover all enabled features. New users should first consult with those who have been running Wife 1.0 for many years before installing a copy yourself. You might consider joining one of our established local users group to discuss your specific configuration. Remember, the installation of Wife 1.0 can allow maximum system potential. Killer apps Contentment 2.5 and Reliability 6.12a have been known to max out when run with TLC 2 and Communicator 5.0. There are no plans for upgrades; Wife 1.0 was designed to work for a lifetime. Sincerely, The development team. - By laughalot-owner@laughalot.com (From similar ideas, unknown sources)

Haircuts - The difference between men and women: * Women's Version: * Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cuuuuute! Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman 2: Oh no, it's perfect! I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this style, I think. Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute on you. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman 2: Oh, now *that's* funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Woman 2: Do you think so? Oh, you're just saying that! Woman 1: No! Really, I mean it... * Men's Version: * Man 2: Haircut? Man 1: Ummhmm.

He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings. - Torrin Polk University of Houston receiver on coach John Jenkins

A Miami man, whose name was B.J. had been dying to go to the Super Bowl, and by luck (and $500 to a scalper) he was able to get in. But his seat was up in the nosebleed section, tucked in the corner of the stadium; his best view was of the Goodyear Blimp! Luckily, he had brought his binoculars with him, and during the first quarter, it caught his eye that there was an empty seat 8 rows from the field off the 50-yard line! By the end of the quarter, he just couldn't stand it, and got up and made his way around the stadium, slipped past the ticket-checkers, and found the empty seat. B.J. asked the man beside the seat if it was taken, and the reply came like music to his ears; "No, you're welcome to sit here." His pulse shot up and he practically had a seizure, but he managed to get into the seat and regain his composure... Mostly. "I can't believe it! Who would have missed the Super Bowl with seats like these?!? This is the most amazing experience of my life!" The man beside him suddenly became very somber, and told him, "Actually, the seat belongs to me, too. My wife and I were planning on being here together, but, she just recently passed away. Oh, we were always crazy about football, in fact, this is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married, 28 years ago." A tear was forming in his eye, when the second quarter began and the man's attention was quickly drawn to chearing (and jumping) for his team's first rush. After the tackle, the man settled back into his seat, and B.J. felt he should reply. "Oh, I'm sorry. That's really sad," he said, "but still, couldn't you find anyone to take this seat? A relative, or close friend of the family?" "No," the man replied, pausing again and bowing his head slightly, "They're all at the funeral."

The perennial women's question: If they could put one man on the moon, why couldn't they put them all?

SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car--there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

TOP 10 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR DAD SAY 10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that. 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!! 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son? 5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. 1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh, don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)

"The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Quick! Go get your Mother."

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House," in French, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer") because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.

Proof that girls are evil: Girls require Time & Money: G = T * M And, as we all know, Time is Money: T = M; therefore G = M^2 We also know that Money is the root of all evil: M = E^.5 Therefore, by simple math: G=(E^.5)^2; G = E

Proof that Women are Evil: Money = Root of All Evil Women = Time * Money Time = Money Women = Money^2 Women = (Root of All Evil)^2 Women = Evil

The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men. In fact, the ratio of male to female software engineers is about 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being well, a little strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another, "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

Quotes on being a woman The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. Helen Hayes (at 73) I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. Janette Barber My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Erma Bombeck A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. Rhonda Hansome The phrase "working mother" is redundant. Jane Sellman Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. Jennifer Unlimited Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. Caryn Leschen I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. Jennifer Unlimited If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. Catherine Aird I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I'm also not blonde. Dolly Parton If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. Sue Grafton I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. Roseanne Barr When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. Elayne Boosler Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Maryon Pearson In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man-if you want anything done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? Linda Ellerbee

TOP 10 LINES CHRISTIAN WOMEN USE TO BREAK-UP 10. "I'm sorry, I've found someone more spiritual." 9. "I'm sorry, it's just not God's will." 8. "I feel called to the ministry...very soon and very far from you as soon as possible." 7. "I'm sorry, it could never work. I'm a sanguine and you're a phlegmatic." 6. "God loves me and must have a better plan for my life." 5. "You know, I feel like I'm dating my brother." 4. "At least I got a lot out of our Bible studies together." 3. "You need someone with lower standards." 2. "I think we should just be prayer partners." 1. "I do love you, but it's just agape now."

TOP TEN CHRISTIAN PICK-UP LINES 10. "I just don't feel called to celibacy." 9. "Did I tell you that my great-uncle was a personal friend of Billy Graham?" 8. "I don't see it myself, but people tell me I look like Michael W. Smith." 7. "What do you think Paul meant when he said, 'Greet everyone with a holy kiss'?" 6. "You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa." (DO NOT get this confused!) 5. "You know, I'm really into relationship evangelism." 4. "I'm pretty flexible--I don't think a woman should be submissive on the first date." 3. "Before tonight, I never believed in predestination..." 2. "Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical." 1. "I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight."

50% of women's magazines are recipies and the other 50% are diets.

Computer program detects author gender Simple algorithm suggests words and syntax bear sex and genre stamp. 18 July 2003 PHILIP BALL A.S Byatt confuses the computer; will it see through George Elliot? A new computer program can tell whether a book was written by a man or a woman. The simple scan of key words and syntax is around 80% accurate on both fiction and non-fiction1,2. The program's success seems to confirm the stereotypical perception of differences in male and female language use. Crudely put, men talk more about objects, and women more about relationships. Female writers use more pronouns (I, you, she, their, myself), say the program's developers, Moshe Koppel of Bar-Ilan University in Ramat Gan, Israel, and colleagues. Males prefer words that identify or determine nouns (a, the, that) and words that quantify them (one, two, more). So this article would already, through sentences such as this, have probably betrayed its author as male: there is a prevalence of plural pronouns (they, them), indicating the male tendency to categorize rather than personalize. If I were female, the researchers imply, I'd be more likely to write sentences like this, which assume that you and I share common knowledge or engage us in a direct relationship. These differing styles have previously been called 'informational' and 'involved', respectively. Koppel and colleagues trained their algorithm on a few test cases to identify the most prevalent fingerprints of gender and of fiction and non-fiction. They then set it searching for these fingerprints in 566 English-language works in a variety of genres, ranging from A Guide to Prague to A. S. Byatt's novel Possession - which, intriguingly, the programme misclassified by gender, along with Kazuo Ishiguro's The Remains of the Day. Strikingly, the distinctions between male and female writers are much the same as those that, even more clearly, differentiate non-fiction and fiction. The programme can tell these two genres apart with 98% accuracy. This is perhaps unsurprising, given that non-fiction is more informational and fiction more involved. Most of the works studied were published after 1975. The Israeli team now intends to probe whether the differences extend further back in time - and so whether George Eliot was wasting her time disguising herself with a male nom de plume - and also whether they occur in other languages. References Koppel, M., Argamon, S. & Shimoni, A. R. Automatically categorizing written texts by author gender. Literary and Linguistic Computing, in the press, (2003). |Homepage| Argamon, S., Koppel, M., Fine, J. & Shimoni, A. R. Gender, genre, and writing style in formal written texts. Text, in the press, (2003).

Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out with five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the place to find men. On the first floor the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" so up they went. The second floor said, "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking." "Hmmm," said the girls. "But I wonder what's further up?" The third floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, are extremely good-looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" said the women. "Very tempting, BUT there's more further up!" and up they went. Fourth floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy! But just think what must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went. The sign on that floor said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please."

The punch-line of some jokes told today dates back hundreds of years, like the following. On the day of woman’s creation the gods took the roundness of the moon, the trembling quality of grass, the radiance of light and by mixing with other ingredients made woman. A week later man complained that she talked incessantly and told the gods to take her back. A week later man came begging for her, moaning that without her life was lonely. Three days later man appeared again asking the gods to please take her back. This time they refused, insisting he must keep her. Then he said, “I can’t live with her and I can’t live without her!” [3] found in Carolyn Wells, ed., An Outline of Humor (New York: G. P. Putnam’s Sons 1923 copyright renewed 1951), p. 124. Used by permission.

There will be no women in heaven for the Bible says, “There was silence in heaven for the space of a half hour.”

PMS stands for: "Punish My Spouse..."

"In spite of my 30 years of research into the feminine soul --I have not been able to answer the question --'What does a woman want?'"

What's the difference between infatuation and love? Infatuation is when you think that he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Stephen Hawking, as noble as Aleksandr Solhenitsyn, as funny as Robin Williams, and as athletic as Arnold Swartzenegger. Love is when you realize he's as sexy as Stephen Hawking, as smart as Arnold Swartzenegger, as funny as Aleksandr Solhenitsyn, as athletic as Robin Williams, and nothing at all like Robert Redford, but you take him anyway.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. -- David Bissonette

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. -- Archie Bunker, character on "All in the Family," U.S. television show

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. -- S. T. Coleridge

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass Daley

If I were a girl, I'd despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them. -- Robert Graves

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. -- Jean Kerr

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. -- Shirley MacLaine

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. -- H. L. Mencken

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner

We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him. -- Shelley Winters

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. -- Anonymous

Percentage of women who would rather watch a man wash dishes than dance naked: 61%. -- Details, March 1995

The minute some people open their mouths you know they are going to be successful. Consider the young fellow who came to ask a father for permission to marry his daughter. The first words he uttered were, "I know a way, sir, whereby you can save a lot of money."

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows: Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky The Marine asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note. Dear Becky, I'm sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile and send the rest back to me. Love, Ricky

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

In Bible college, I began dating a fellow. During our first month of dating, we decided we should study the Bible together. With my plot well set, one night I opened my Bible to (Proverbs 18:22) and read, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." I looked up, winked, and said, "Couldn't you use a little favor from the Lord?" My boyfriend, a Bible scholar, was quick with his reply from (Proverbs 10:10)--"He who winks the eye causes trouble."

When envy crops up, or so it seems to me, only rarely does it do so on the part of a man envying a woman.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. "The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

Study aberrant human behavior and you'll find that mass murderers are always men. Crazy women don't kill strangers. They have no connectedness with strangers. Crazy women kill their children.

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

A little Methodist boy and a little Catholic girl walked the same way home from church, and often walked together. One Sunday, there had been a great rain, and the creek they normally crossed by stepping on stones was greatly swollen. “My mom will kill me if I get my clothes dirty,” said the Catholic girl. “Mine too,” said the little Wesleyan. So they decided to take off all their clothes and hold them over their heads as they crossed. When they reached the other side and were preparing to dress, the little boy said, “You know, I never realized there was so much difference between Catholics and Protestants…”

<i>Obviously</i>... Not many Americans have one testicle and one ovary. <i>Surprise</i>... In fact, the <i>average</i> American has one testicle and one ovary. Statistics is a subject of enormous utility that can lead us to great insights into trends and patterns. But blind application of statistical formulas can paint a misleading picture of our world and cause us to statistically drop the ball.

The conception of the relations between men and women in ante-bellum America idealized an inseparable blending of sexuality, companionship, tenderness, loyalty, and mutual respect. This combination, which defined love, was regarded as the richest gift nature had given humans. The sexual component in this ensemble has ascended to a preeminent position in this list, as well as in the larger set of life's delights, because other sources of happiness have descended. The third-ranked chimpanzee in a troop becomes the alpha male if the two more dominant animals suffer mortal wounds, even though his inherent characteristics remain unchanged.

God gave us dominion over everything except other people.

Breaking News: Males Easily Interested In Females

Martin Schein and Edgar Hale, of Pennsylvania State University, devoted themselves to studying the sexual behaviour of turkeys in the 1960s, and discovered that the birds are not choosy. Taking a model of a female turkey, they progressively removed body parts until the males lost interest. Even when all that remained was a head on a stick, the male turkeys remained turned on.