I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car--there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

TOP 10 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR DAD SAY 10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that. 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!! 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son? 5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. 1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh, don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)

A pastor was giving the children's lesson during a sunday morning service on the Ten Commandments. After explaining the commandment to "honor they father and thy mother," he asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one five-year old boy answered loudly, "Thou shalt not kill!"

At the Olympic Games in Paris in 1924 the sport of canoe racing was added to the list of international competitions. The favorite team in the four-man canoe race was the United States team. One member of that team was a young man by the name of Bill Havens. As the time for the Olympics neared, it became clear that Bill's wife would give birth to her first child about the time that Bill would be competing in the Paris Games. In 1924 there were no jet airliners from Paris to the United States, only slow-moving ocean-going ships. And so Bill found himself in a dilemma. Should he go to Paris and risk not being at his wife's side when their first child was born? Or should he withdraw from the team and remain behind. Bill's wife insisted that he go to Paris. After all, he had been working towards this for all these years. It was the culmination of a life-long dream. Clearly the decision was not easy for Bill to make. Finally, after much soul searching, Bill decided to withdraw from the competition and remain behind with his wife so that he could be with her when their first child arrived. Bill considered being at her side a higher priority than going to Paris to fulfill a life-long dream. To make a long story short, the United States four-man canoe team won the gold medal at the Paris Olympics. And Bill's wife was late in giving birth to her first child. She was so late that Bill could have competed in the event and returned home in time to be with her when she gave birth. People said, "What a shame." But Bill said he had no regrets. After all, his commitment to his wife was more important then, and it still was now. The story of Bill Havens is a story of how one man paid a high price to fulfill a commitment to someone he loved. _________________ If the above illustration is used offer this sequel near the end of your sermon: There is a sequel to the story of Bill Havens. The child eventually born to Bill and his wife was a boy, whom they named Frank. Twenty-eight years later, in 1952, Bill received a cablegram from Frank. It was sent from Helsinki, Finland, where the 1952 Olympics were being held. The cablegram read, and I quote it exactly: "Dad, I won. I'm bringing home the gold medal you lost while waiting for me to be born." Frank Havens had just won the gold medal for the United States in the canoe-racing event, a medal his father had dreamed of winning but never did. There is a sequel to our acts of commitment as well, our commitments to one another, and our commitment to God. We reap the abundant harvest of righteousness. We reap a harvest of joy and peace that endures forever

"The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door there was my mother-in-law on the front porch. She said, 'Can I stay here for a few days?' I said: 'Sure you can,' and shut the door."

A retired man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister don't go into shock later when I move out." He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this." She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night." The father agrees, "All right." He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, hon, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her."

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy blurted out, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys."

God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.

A man who ended his marriage will become his ex-wife's stepfather when he marries her mother. George Greenhowe, 22, will marry Pat Smith, 44, in Arbroath, and his ex-wife Allison has agreed to act as bridesmaid. The wedding will take place in the town's Register Office - the same venue for the wedding of Allison, 19, and George last year. Until recently, the three lived under the same roof in Wardykes, Arbroath, says the Daily Record. Allison only moved back in with her father, Allan, because there was no room in the council house she shared with her mum, ex-husband and pets, including an alsatian, five pups, two cats, a hamster and a parrot. Pat says Allison has forgiven her for taking her husband. "Allison told us she hopes we are happy and she even calls my future husband her stepdad." But Patricia Williamson, Pat's elderly mother, has disowned her daughter. She said: "I have completely washed my hands of my daughter. It is news to me that they are getting married. I certainly won't be going to the service and I don't know anyone from the family who will be attending."

The Associated Press 3/24/03 1:53 PM MUNGER TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) -- A woman is celebrating the recent birth of a great-grandchild -- her 100th. Vincent D. DuRussel, the great-grandchild of Angeline DuRussel, 96, was born in January. Angeline DuRussel, who lives in Munger Township near Bay City, said having another great-grandchild is "just wonderful." DuRussel has 12 children and 59 grandchildren. Her first great-grandchild was born July 27, 1969. No. 101 is due in June, The Saginaw News reported.

A little boy named Danny lived with his family in a trailer. One day someone asked him, "Don't you wish you had a real home?" Danny's reply was wise beyond his years. He said, "We have a real home. We just don't have a house to put it in." A house and a home are very different. A house is just a physical structure, made perhaps of brick or wood or stone. It can be large or small. It may not even have persons inside. If a house does not include persons, their relationships lack love or commitment. By contrast, a home is a haven of shelter, acceptance, and unconditional love. It includes at least one person. In it each person's value is unlimited, and their mutual commitment is forever. Any decent contractor can construct a house. But only God can build a home.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd

A Spanish father decides to reconcile with his son who has run away to Madr. Now remorseful, the father takes out this ad in the El Liberal newspaper: "PACO MEET ME AT HOTEL MONTANA NOON TUESDAY. ALL IS FORGIVEN." Pace is a common name in Spain, and when the father goes to the square he finds eight hundred young men named Paco waiting for their fathers.

The only reason I always try to meet and know the parents better is because it helps me forgive their children. -- Louis Johannot

It's not enough to make time for your children. There are certain stages in their lives when you have to give them the time when they want it. You can't run your family like a company. It doesn't work.