Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

A little boy keeps on making ugly faces at his classmates. Finally the teacher warned him, "Jonathan, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces I would stay that way." The little boy looked at her face and said, "It must be true."

A boy whose mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting his thumb with lemon juice to discourage him sucking it, was finally told, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old walked up to her, considered her gravely for a minute, then said, "Naughty ... I know what *you've* been doing."

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew, occasionally walking around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl, who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl casually replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

What do little kids know about love? Read on and be surprised that despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word. "Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way. When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. When someone loves you, the way she says your name is different. You know that your name is safe in her mouth. Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other. Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents for a minute and look around. When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared she won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only does she still love you, she loves you even more. Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday. Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

A businessman bought a computer and soon discovered that he was spending all his time playing computer games. He got upset and called a computer expert to come configure his computer so that he couldn't play games on it. The next day he walks into his office and finds his 9 year old daughter playing a computer game. In a rage he calls the computer expert and starts to tell him off. The expert goes: "Hold on a second, you just said to make it so you couldn't play games--you didn't say nothing about no 9 year old!"

Dear Mom, Scoutmaster Webb told us to write our parents in case you heard about the flood and got worried. We're all okay. Only one of our tents and two of our sleeping bags got washed away. Nobody drowned because we were all on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yeah, please call Chad's mother and tell her he's okay. He can't write her because of the cast on his arm. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps! It was neat! We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for all the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire, so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? It was so cool! The wet wood still wouldn't burn, but one of our tents did, and some of our clothes. Boy, Johnny is going to look weird until his hair grows back! We'll be home Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked good when we left. But he said with a car that old you have to expect something to break down. That's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 15 people in the car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and yelled at him. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. And Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about us leaving the life jackets behind. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car, so we're trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also, Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the left over chicken. He said they got sick like that with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he figured out how to do things better while he was doing time. I have to go now. We are going in to town to mail this and buy some bullets and more gasoline. Don't worry about anything. We are doing just fine. Love, Your son

"You get a lot of tension? You get a lot of headaches? I do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children"

KIDS ON LOVE AND ROMANCE: SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, age 6) "Shake your hips and hope for the best." (Camille, age 9) "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." (Manuel, age 8) "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, age 9) "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, age 9) HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." (Julia, age 7) "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Brian, age 7) "It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, age 9) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "When they're rich." (Pam, age 7) "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Tammy, age 7) "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." (Roger, age 6) "I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it." (Dave, age 8) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"? "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, age 9) "Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." (Dick, age 7)

A group of first graders got together and decided to write their own version of the Nativity. It was more modern than the traditional drama. Oh, there were the familiar members of the cast: Joseph, the shepherds, the three wise men, the star, and an angel propped up in the background. But Mary was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly behind the bales of hay could be heard some loud moans and groans. Evidently Mary was in labor. Soon the doctor arrived dressed in a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck. Joseph, with a look of relief on his face takes the doctor straight to Mary, then starts pacing back and forth. After a few moments the "doctor" emerges with a big smile on his face. "Congratulations, Joseph," he says, "It's a God."

The Associated Press 3/24/03 1:53 PM MUNGER TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) -- A woman is celebrating the recent birth of a great-grandchild -- her 100th. Vincent D. DuRussel, the great-grandchild of Angeline DuRussel, 96, was born in January. Angeline DuRussel, who lives in Munger Township near Bay City, said having another great-grandchild is "just wonderful." DuRussel has 12 children and 59 grandchildren. Her first great-grandchild was born July 27, 1969. No. 101 is due in June, The Saginaw News reported.

“I protect her from sex full stop. She’s not aware of sex, nor should she be. We’ve had little conversations about where babies come from, but sex is not, and shouldn’t be, part of her repertoire right now.” - Madonna speaking about shielding her 6 year old daughter Lourdes from sexual images, USA Today, September 15, 2003, 3D

“Mother, am I a canoe?” asked Joan of her mother. “Most certainly not,” mother emphatically replied. `Whatever makes you ask that?” “You’re always saying you like to see people paddle their own canoe. And since you paddle me so much, I thought I was a canoe!”

World War II produced many heroes. One was Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to an aircraft carrier in the South Pacific. One day while on a mission, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. Unable to complete his mission, he turned around and headed back for the aircraft carrier. As he headed back, he saw a squadron of Japanese Zeroes heading straight for the American fleet. All the American fighters were out on a sortie, leaving the fleet virtually defenseless. He dove into the formation of Japanese planes in a desperate move to divert them away from the fleet. After a frightening air battle, the Japanese airplanes broke off their assault on the fleet. Butch O'Hare's tattered fighter limped back to the carrier. He was recognized as a hero and given one of the nation's highest military honors. O'Hare International Airport in Chicago is named after him. Some years earlier, there was a man in Chicago called Easy Eddie. In those days, Al Capone virtually owned the city. Capone's mob was involved in bootlegging booze, murder, and prostitution. Easy Eddie was Al Capone's lawyer and kept Big Al out of jail. In return, Easy Eddie earned big money and lived like a king on an estate so large it filled an entire city block. But Easy Eddie had one soft spot—a son whom he loved dearly. Eddie saw that his son had the best of everything: clothes, cars, and a good education. Despite Eddie's involvement with the mob, he tried to teach his son right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was. But there were two things Eddie could not give his son—a good name and a good example. Deciding that giving his son these two things was more important than lavishing him with riches, Eddie had to rectify the wrong he had done. He went to the authorities and told them the truth about Al Capone. Easy Eddie eventually testified in court against Al Capone and the mob. He knew the cost would be great, but he wanted to be an example to his son and leave him with a good name. Within a year of testifying against the Mob, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago street. He had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer at the greatest price he would ever pay. What do these stories have to do with one another? Butch O'Hare was Easy Eddie's son. Citation: Bruce Cecil, Coachella, California

Such comments [about not wanting to prejudice your children towards any one religion] remind me of an old story about Samuel Taylor Coleridge, the great English poet. One day he was talking with a man who did not believe in giving children any religious instruction. After a while Coleridge asked his visitor if he would like to see his garden. The man said yes, and Coleridge took him into a section of the yard where only weeds were growing. The man looked at Coleridge in surprise and said, "This is no garden; this is nothing but weeds." Coleridge replied, "Well, you see, I did not wish to infringe upon the liberty of the garden. I was giving the garden a chance to express itself and to choose its own production."

The young always have the same problem--how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.

Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up -- they’re looking for ideas.

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, ‘Look, it’s always going to be me!

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

If you wish to leave much wealth to your children, leave them in God’s care. Do not leave them riches, but virtue and skill. For if they learn to expect riches, they will not mind anything besides, and their abundant riches shall give them the means of screening the wickedness of their ways. -- John Chrysostom

There are three ways to get things done: Do it yourself, hire someone, or absolutely forbid your kids to do it. -- e. e. cummings

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going. By: Mrs. E. O'Brien Source: Mrs. E. O'Brien in Catholic Digest, 1991

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours.

I would be content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves.

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It's not enough to make time for your children. There are certain stages in their lives when you have to give them the time when they want it. You can't run your family like a company. It doesn't work.

[Jerome] Bruner described three distinct stages in the learning process, each of which has a different state of mind: "Enactive, iconic, and symbolic." This was illustrated by an experiment with two water glasses, one short and fat, and the other tall and thin. When children are shown the contents of the short glass being poured into the tall one, they will say that there is more water in the tall one, even though they saw the pouring. If you then hide both glasses, the children change their minds, reasoning that the water had nowhere else to go. This could be done several times; each time the children would repeat the assertion that there was more water in the tall thin glass whenever they could see it but deny it when it was not visible. The experiment illustrates the different mental states that underlie our learning process. [The research cited is from Jerome Bruner, Toward A Theory of Instruction, 1966]

Innocent Does Not Mean Naive

When I was young, I thought the act of getting older meant, year by year, getting more sophisticated, more hard, cool, and unpitying. Less innocent. Maybe that was a childish idea of what getting older was all about. Maybe adults, mature adults, get more innocent with time, not less. Because the word "innocent" does not mean "naive," it means "not guilty." Children do small evils to one another, schoolyard fights and insults, not because their hearts are pure, but because their powers are small. Grown-ups have more power. Some of them do great evils with that power. But what about the ones who don't? Aren't they more innocent than children, not less?

Truthful Tattling

...tattling has received some scientific interest, and researchers have spent hours observing kids at play. They’ve learned that nine out of ten times, when a kid runs up to a parent to tell, that kid is being completely honest. And while it might seem to a parent that tattling is incessant, to a child that’s not the case—because for every time a child seeks a parent for help, there are fourteen instances when he was wronged but did not run to the parent for aid. So when the frustrated child finally comes to tell the parent the truth, he hears, in effect, “Stop bringing me your problems!”