Everything that can be thought can be thought clearly. Everything that can be said can be said clearly.

The purpose of a fish trap is to catch fish, and when the fish are caught, the trap is forgotten. The purpose of a rabbit snare is to catch rabbits. When the rabbits are caught, the snare is forgotten. The purpose of words is to convey ideas. When the ideas are grasped, the words are forgotten. Where can I find a man who has forgotten words? He is the one I would like to talk to.

Lactomangulation, n.: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. Aquadextrous, adj.: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure.

Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

We do not talk - we bludgeon one another with facts and theories gleaned from cursory readings of newspapers, magazines and digests.

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.

One must have deeper motives and judge everything accordingly, but go on talking like a normal person.

If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought.

While extremely sensitive as to the slightest approach to slander, you must also guard against an extreme into which some people fall who, in their desire to speak evil of no one, actually uphold and speak well of vice. If you have to do with one who is unquestionably a slanderer, do not excuse him by calling him frank and free-spoken; do not call one who is notoriously vain, liberal and elegant; do not call dangerous levities mere simplicity; do not screen disobedience under the name of zeal; or arrogance, of frankness; or evil intimacy, of friendship. No, my friends, we must never, in our wish to shun slander, foster or flatter vice in others: but we must call evil evil, and sin sin, and so doing we shall serve God's glory.

Brevity is the soul of wit.

My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then to say it with the utmost levity.

She had lost the art of conversation, but not, unfortunately, the power of speech.

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Examine what is said, not who speaks.

There are three times when you should never say anything important to a person: when he is tired, when he is angry, and when he has just made a mistake!

A mist from the pulpit is a fog from the pew.

It often shows a fine command of a language to say nothing.

Listening gives wisdom. Speaking gives repentance.

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.

Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.

The mind can absorb no more than the seat can endure.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.

A guest preacher began his sermon in this manner: "As I understand it, my job is to preach, and your job is to listen. If you finish before I do, please let me know."

I have never assumed that the people I talk to are so certain it is true that the question is not still very much alive for them. Is anyone ever that certain? I assume always that they want to know if it is true as much as I do myself. I assume that even the most religiously disillusioned and negative among them want it to be true as much as the religiously devout do--want to be shown it, want it to be made somehow flesh before their eyes, want to be able to rejoice in it for themselves. And it is because, at some level of their being, their wanting is so great that you must be so careful what you give them, and because your wanting to give it is so great, too. If you are any good at all with words--if you are any good at all as an actor, with an actor's power to move people, to fascinate people, to move them sometimes even to tearsÑyou have to be so careful not to make it just a performance, however powerful. You have to remember that it is not what you are saying that is important for them to believe in, but only God. You have to remember how Jesus consigned to the depths of the sea those who cause any who believe in him to sin and how one sin you might easily cause them is to believe in yourself instead. I wrote my sermons at great length and with great care. I learned to write in shorter, simpler sentences that I had in my books because a listener loses track otherwise. Though I never dared step into the pul-[PAGE BREAK]pit without everything, including the Lord's Prayer and the announcements, fully written out in front of me, I learned to be free enough of my manuscript to be able to read it without appearing to do so. I put on the best performance I could, in other words, and preached with all the eloquence I could muster, not only to them, of course, but also to myself because much of what preachers say they say to themselves, to keep their own spirits up, to answer their own souls' questionsÑthe sermon as whistling in the dark. There were times when I felt that something better and truer than my words was speaking through my words. There were times when I felt they were only words. There were times when the words seemed to fall dead from my lips and other times when I could see only too clearly how effective they were being. And maybe I entirely misjuged which time was which. I don't know. I know only that Barth is surely right when he says that no one risks the wrath of God more perilously than the minister in the pulpit, and yet at the same time I know that, as a minister, there are few places I would rather be. The excitement and challenge of it. The chance that something better than what you are can happen, that something more than you know can be spoken and heard.

We found the following in this month's (sometime in 99--Glen) Atlantic Monthly Word Watch column in "a selection of terms that have newly been coined, that have recently acquired new currency, or that have taken on new meanings, compiled by the executive editor of the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language": "Zarf, meaning unknown: "Effective immediately the term Zarf will be treated as UNCLASSIFIED when standing alone or in conjunction with a classification marking. This action applied ONLY to the term Zarf. Information protected by the Zarf codeword will continue to require protection (National Security Agency email reprinted in the Washington Post Magazine)" According to the Atlantic Monthly this is not the first time the government has declassified a term without divulging its meaning. The memo declassifying Zarf was obtained through the Freedom of Information Act. The National Security Agency has declined to comment. The Atlantic Monthly writes: "Zarf is an anomaly in this space, which generally discusses new words whose definitions are in some way revealing about societal or other trends: Zarf is a new word whose LACK of a definition is revealing." The word lacks an unclassified definition in English. We are curious what the word means in other languages. In Persian, for example, the word means "dish". In Turkish the word means a protective cover or an envelope. Did some National Security Analyst/Linguist snarf this Turkish word and extend its meaning? We would appreciate hearing what the word means in other languages. Karine Megerdoomian Ron Zacharski New Mexico State University Las Cruces, New Mexico

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the father asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Mom says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of sex."

Idea for sermons at retreats: Have everybody create a three-columned piece of paper with the following headings: I Agree/Accept I Disagree/Reject I Have This Question: Then promise that at some point they will break down into groups of three or four to discuss their opinions.

The pastoral team at Trinity Church in Columbus, Ohio, "retreated" to Indianapolis for the NCAA "March Madness" basketball playoffs. The ubiquitous guy with orange hair and a homemade "John 3:16" sign was under the basket at the other end of the court. Seated directly behind the pastoral team were two well-dressed couples debating what the "John 3:16" sign meant. Reduced to guessing, one thought it must be an ad for a new restaurant in town. The others dissed that idea since "who would send someone out with orange hair and a hand-drawn sign to advertise anything?" Another thought the "John 3:16" sign might be a signal to someone to meet at the John on the third floor, stall 16.

I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II."

Preaching with Results Ugandan church leaders have preached three pornographic magazines out of business. According to published reports, three magazines that featured nudity and other sexual content have gone out of business since pastors started preaching against pornography two months ago. Clergymen had attempted to meet with the magazines' publishers earlier but were told to preach to their own people and leave the magazines alone. In response, they urged their church members not to buy the magazines, and the magazines' sales dropped dramatically. One publisher became a Christian and apologized for corrupting young people.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet ! ....Let's see what you got." Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Lawyers aren't typically funny--unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official records nationwide: 1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? 3. Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.' Q: Did he kill you? 4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? 5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 6. Were you alone or by yourself? 7. How long have you been a French Canadian? 8. Do you have children or anything of that kind? 9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture? A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? 10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on November 8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes Q: What were you doing at the time? 13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? 14. So you were gone until you returned? 15. Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None Q: Were there girls? 16. You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. 19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." 20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal." Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage." Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed." Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search." Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." Problem: Dead bugs on windshield. Solution: Live bugs on order. Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. Problem: IFF inoperative. Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Solution: That's what they're there for.

Let's face it English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it? Now I know why I flunked my English. It's not my fault -- the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going.

"Fill your mouth with marbles and make a speech. Every day reduce the number of marbles in your mouth and make a speech. You will soon become an accredited public speaker -- as soon as you have lost all your marbles."

When something can be read without effort, great effort has gone into its writing.

Ordinary chickens have at least 25 different calls and they use them in some language-like ways. Not only do they communicate directly with each other, but they consider what they are about to say and can even tell lies. When a rooster finds some food, he sometimes makes a "took took took" sound. The "took took" call is repeated much more when there is a hen nearby. Hearing the call, the hen usually strolls over to the male, who may offer her choice morsels from his own beak. Hens who hear "took took" also peer down at the ground, as if looking for food. But sometimes a rooster will say "took took" when there's no food just to get the female to come over. It appears that at least some chicken calls are more than just reflex reactions, since they change depending on whether others are listening and are sometimes used for deception. Read about the intelligence of chickens: http://soma.npa.uiuc.edu/~mmaciver/chicken_smart.html Lizards also communicate in complex ways: http://features.LearningKingdom.com/fact/archive/1999/08/23.html

If you've ever lived where there are cicadas, you know that these extremely noisy insects make the most racket when it's blistering hot. How do they keep cool while remaining so active in the hot sun? The secret is that cicadas sweat. These finger-long, winged insects have pores through which they secrete a watery liquid derived from the tree sap they drink. While they sing (by vibrating ridged membranes against their bodies), they sweat profusely, thus dissipating the heat of their efforts. Those efforts result in the loudest sounds made by any insect. In Missouri in the summer of 1999, the din reached 85 decibels at some locations, louder than a large diesel truck at full power. Outdoor cafes had to close because the noise was too much for the customers.

"The Top 15 Chinese Translations of English Movie Titles." It eventually became one of the most important lists in TopFive history, after the NY Times assumed our twisted titles were real and ran a story about them. That original list and the story about the commotion it caused can be found on our website: http://www.topfive.com/chinesemovies.html In the meantime, we thought it would be interesting to revisit that topic and see what happens *this* time... The Top 20 Chinese Translations of English Movie Titles (Part II) [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 20> "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut" -- "Subversive Capitalist Children Need to Learn Discipline in Red Army" 19> "Big Momma's House" -- "Black Man Dresses as Funny Fat Person, Yet Eddie Murphy is in a Different Theater!" 18> "Rush Hour" -- "Jackie Chan Not the Only Star Requiring Subtitles" 17> "Pokemon: The First Movie" -- "Japanese Monkeys With Typewriters Prove American Parents Will Buy Anything to Silence Children" 16> "Being John Malkovich" -- "Tiny People In My Brain, Stop Watching Me Urinate!!!" 15> "Star Wars, Episode I: The Phantom Menace" -- "Who Is Annoying Frog/Rabbit? Hand Me My Light-Sabre!" 14> "Ready To Rumble" -- "What Wrong With You? Don't Encourage Mr. David Arquette!!!" 13> "Stuart Little" -- "In America, People Happy to Live With Rats" 12> "Patch Adams" -- "Ha! Your Advance-Stage Cancer Amuses Me!" 11> "American Pie" -- "Why it is Advisable to Ban the Importation of American Baked Goods" 10> "The Blair Witch Project" -- "I Have Camcorder! Give Me 100 Million Dollars!" 9> "Life Is Beautiful" -- "Nazi Concentration Camps Are Fun for Whole Family!" 8> "Boogie Nights" -- "Oh My Chairman! Is That Thing REAL?!?" 7> "Fight Club" -- "Hello, Friend Who I Am Pleased to Have in My Association. NOW YOU MUST DIE BY MY FISTS!" 6> "The Thomas Crown Affair" -- "Forget plot! Watch for See-through Dress!" 5> "The Sixth Sense" -- "I Am Dead But I Must Still Go To Work!" 4> "Jaws" -- "Yum! Shark Fin Soup for Everyone!" 3> "American Beauty" -- "I Need Underage Neighbor Like I Need Hole in Head!" 2> "Pulp Fiction" -- "Hey! I Killed You Three Scenes Ago!" and Topfive.com's Number 1 Chinese Translation of an English Movie Title... 1> "There's Something About Mary" -- "Consider Button-Fly Pants Next Time, Stupid Capitalist!"

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago.

A really patient man neither complains nor seeks to be pitied; he will speak simply and truly of his trouble, without exaggerating its weight or bemoaning himself. If others pity him, he will accept their compassion patiently, unless they pity him for some ill he is not enduring, in which case he will say so with meekness, and abide in patience and truthfulness, combating his grief and not complaining of it.

An 80-year-old couple was worried because they kept forgetting things all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously wrong except old age, and suggested they carry a notebook and write things down so they wouldn't forget. Several days later the old man got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, "Dear, get me a bowl of ice cream while you're up." "Okay," he said. "...and put some chocolate syrup on it and a few cherries on it, too," she added. "You'd better write all this down." "I won't forget!" he said. Twenty minutes later he came back into the room and handed her a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon. She glared at him. "Now, I told you to write it down! I knew you'd forget." "What did I forget?" he asked. She replied, "My toast!"

There are teachers and then there are teachers. According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she then asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.

My friend Bill Hybels has taught me the importance of helping teams develop a strategy for talking about tough issues without damaging the people involved. The following are phrases that have evolved out of the Willow Creek leadership teams. You will find several you can use on your team. I also hope you will develop some key phrases for your own use. "Language That Preserves Community" When you hear an idea that sounds crazy at first, say "Help me understand." This keeps the focus on the idea without making a premature judgment about the validity of the idea. It also keeps us from making light of what another person really believes will be helpful. When someone is being dogmatic about an issue, say "Can I push back on that a little bit?" This phrase reminds everyone that all ideas are open to discussion, and that it isn't fair to the team to shut down the discussion. When presenting a big risk or a radical idea, say "Give me an umbrella of mercy here." In other words, "Don't laugh out loud." An idea deserves to be heard without immediately shooting it out of the sky. When there's a general uneasiness in the meeting, say "There's an elephant in the room." We've all been in those meetings where we sensed some tension and everyone pretended it wasn't there. This phrase gives permission to acknowledge that tension, which then opens the door to address and resolve it. When someone is whining, blaming, or rehashing the obvious, say "Can we get on the solution side of this problem?" I'm always amazed at people who think that seeing a problem that is obvious to everyone is some kind of gift. Once the problem has been identified, the only discussions worth pursuing are those that can lead to resolving the problem. When you need to speak hard truth, say "With your permission, I'd like to give you the last ten percent." This phrase is built on the premise that the first ninety percent of what we need to tell one another is easy. It is the last ten percent that is usually left unsaid because it is so hard to say. Asking for permission to share the hard part puts the responsibility for growth on the shoulders of the person who will receive the last ten percent. They then have the option of receiving it, or saying, "Now is not a good time for me emotionally. Can we do it another time?" Either way, everyone knows there is unfinished business, and healthy relationships are strengthened as we "speak the truth in love" to one another. After a difficult meeting, say "Are we alright with each other?" We've all been in situations where we got a little too passionate about an issue, or phrased responses in ways that were too strong, and inadvertently wounded people around us. This phrase reminds us that relationships are primary. To reach every one of our goals and lose our friendships in the process would be a hollow victory. Caring about the answer to this question insures we all reach the goal line together. This article is used by permission from Dr. John C. Maxwell's free monthly e-newsletter 'Leadership Wired' available at www.INJOY.com.

In my experience, a breakthrough of sorts often happens when managers realize that reflective openness is based on skills, not just good intentions.

ASSUMING THE WORST A new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday school. The teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor, this morning we're studying Joshua." "That's wonderful," said the new pastor, "Let's see what you're learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?" Little Johnny shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor, I didn't do it." Taken aback the pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore down the walls of Jericho?" The teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, little Johnny's a good boy. If he says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it." Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school director and related the story to him. The director, looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've had some problems with Johnny before. Let me talk to him and see what we can do." Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and the director, the new pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story, including the responses of the teacher and the director. A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said, "Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that." CITATION: Cregg Puckett, Florence, Mississippi KEYWORDS: Blame; Children; Communication; Confusion; Conscience; Guilt; Leadership; Leadership of the Church; Sunday school SCRIPTURE: Joshua 6:1-20

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he or she says happens at home."

"The true spirit of conversation consists in building on another man's observation, not overturning it."

========================================================================= MESSAGE TITLES: HOOKS, LINES & THINKERS By Brian Mavis, Site Manager SermonCentral.com ======================================================================== * A book was written and released with two different titles. They received identical marketing. One was called "The Art of Courtship" - the other "The Art of Kissing". Which would you buy (not that you need it)? "The Art of Kissing" outsold "Courtship" by 60,500 to 17,500 copies!(1) * A book titled "Compact Classics" was not selling well. The book was renamed with this provocative title, "The Great American Bathroom Book." The added subtitle was "Single-Sitting Summaries of All-Time Great Books". It went from an obscure reference book to a national best seller within weeks. The demand was so great that they created a series of these books.(2) * A Virginia high school offered a class called "Home Economics for Boys."-it generated little interest. The next year it was renamed "Bachelor Living." The result was tremendous: 120 boys eagerly enrolled. The curriculum didn't change, but the image did. It needed a new identity before the boys would identify with it.(3) Your sermon's title is its identity. If people identify with it, they are more likely to want to hear it. Don't miss this point. Many pastors don't think sermon titles matter. On the contrary, a good title may help give someone ears to hear, and it can even make the difference between someone - especially a seeker - attending your church or not. We all could use some help with titles. Even John Newton, who penned the most popular Christian song in the entire world, needed help. "Amazing Grace" is a fantastic title, but he named his song "Faith's Review and Expectation". Even this poet could blow it with a title. Here are my Top 10 ideas to take your next sermon title from "O.K." to "Outstanding." 1. THE POWER OF POP CULTURE. Connect to what people are watching and talking about. For example play off the Survivor phenomenon with a series - "How to Survive Work", "How to Survive Parenting", etc. Or you can have titles like "Protecting Your Torch," "Creating Peace in the Tribe," "Getting Eternal Immunity." "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" titles could be "Is That Your Final Answer?," "Are You Ready for the Hot Seat?," "Whose Your Lifeline?" etc. 2. PLAY WITH WORDS. I had written a sermon about Jacob wresting with God. My working title was "Jacob Wrestles with God." Pretty clever, huh. I then titled it "Fighting with God." Better. Then I called it "How to Pick a Fight with God and Win." This was even more provocative. Later, I thought about a cultural event that could tie into my sermon - Touched by an Angel. Too mushy for me. But then I played with it and came up with "Punched by an Angel." I had it. 3. PUT CONVENTIONAL WISDOM ON ITS HEAD. This is easy because so much of God's wisdom goes against conventional wisdom - just say it. "Good People Don't Go to Heaven". "God Helps Those Who Can't Help Themselves." "God is a Divorcee and Wants to Be Remarried to You". "Jesus Is Not a Good Teacher." 4. CALL TO ACTION. Why wait to give your application until you preach. Tell people what God wants them to do in the title. Here are two application titles: "When Wronged, Turn the Other Cheek". "Pray for Someone Who has Hurt You." Someone may miss the point of your sermon, but he won't miss the point in the title. 5. LOOK FOR YOUR TITLE IN SCRIPTURE. There may be a great title hidden in the passage you're preaching. I preached a sermon on how to renew our love from Revelation 2:4-5. The phrase "Do the Things You Did at First" was so captivating that I used it as the title and as a refrain throughout the sermon. 6. SPOTLIGHT THE BENEFITS Why do people think obeying God is such a drag? Change their perception by highlighting the benefits of obeying God. These titles highlight the benefits of obedience. "Praying Will Bring You Peace." "Forgiveness Frees You From Bitterness." "Sex God's Way is Safe, Satisfying and Sizzling." 7. SPECIFICALLY SPEAKING. Ironically the more specific you get the wider and deeper it hits your listeners. "Addiction" is a poor title. "Breaking the Bonds of Addiction" is a good title. But if you preach on "Break the Bonds of Lotto Fever" you just moved from vague helpfulness to "we're going to see what God has to say about this problem in today's society." 8. HOPE SELLS. People today are looking for hope in their lives-they have experienced grief, loss, unmet expectations, broken homes and shattered dreams. Straightforward, hopeful titles like these can be good medicine: "God is Near the Brokenhearted." "God Will Bring Good Out of Your Suffering." "God Has a Hope and Future for You." 9. THE POSITIVE SPIN. People don't want to hear bad news - can you blame them? If your sermon identifies a problem, highlight the solution. For example instead of having a sermon called "The Debt Trap", call it "Escape the Debt Trap." 10. BY THE NUMBERS. Something as simple as adding some numbers to your title can make it more interesting. Instead of "Ways to Tell Good from Evil," title it "5 Ways to Tell Good from Evil." Instead of "Satan's Temptations," name it "Satan's Top 10." Conventional wisdom says a sermon title is only good as an advertisement, that it can't help you write a better sermon. Well, it can. I had an ok sermon on renewing our love, but when I found the title "Do the Things You Did at First," it worked it's way though my whole sermon and made it far more authoritative and memorable. When I came up with "Punched by an Angel," it changed my introduction and gave me a cultural reference point to compare and contrast throughout the sermon that engaged my audience. Follow these ten guidelines to help your sermon titles and sermon become more (1) culturally relevant (2) memorable (3) provocative (4) applicable (5) authoritative (6) beneficial (7) specific (8) hopeful (9) positive or (10) definite You'll draw a crowd and keep them listening! References: 1. Ross, Tom & Marilyn. The Complete God to Self-Publishing, p. 28. Writer's Digest Books, 1994. 2. Anderson, Stevens. The Great American Bathroom Book. Compact Classics Inc., 1994 3. Dave Redick. The Preacher's Study. 1999. Copyright (c) 2001 by Brian Mavis. For reprint information call 760-940-0600 or e-mail brian@sermoncentral.com. Brian Mavis is the site manager for SermonCentral.com - the most popular sermon site on the Internet.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Silence Can Be Lethal - Dr. Dan Reiland ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: As a parent of young children, I can appreciate the phrase "silence is golden." But silence can sometimes be harmful in the church - whenever it's caused by fear, apathy or insecurity. Sometimes your people need to be taught to "speak up" for Kingdom causes. Teach them the following lesson paired with Scripture from Ephesians (4:3-6,15,32) or I John (4:18), and you're likely to see (and hear) great results! 1. Silence . . . Causes Misrepresentation. Early in my ministry, I thought the loving thing to do was simply listen. But one day, I met with a negative person who complained about everything they thought was wrong in the church. As usual, I listened. But a few days later I was being quoted as if I were in total agreement with them, even though I'd agreed with nothing they'd said. Yikes! That's when I learned that silence can convey agreement. Compassion and empathy are wonderful virtues, but they do little good if you let harmful statements go without a response. We must all speak up in defense of our church, pastor and ministries. Even if we don't agree with everything that's done, we can still present a unified front. 2. Silence . . . Withholds Forgiveness. We're taught to forgive by the Scripture and Jesus' modeling. But our humanity and pride often keep us from communicating our forgiveness to others. Here's the point: You may have forgiven someone in your heart, but unless you tell them, it's almost as if you never forgave them at all. Healing and wholeness in the Body of Christ depend on sharing aloud the forgiving grace of Jesus Christ. 3. Silence . . . Weakens Leadership. Over the years, I've associated with many people who have leadership instincts and Godly wisdom, yet rarely speak up about anything. Maybe they're in a board or committee meeting, listening to the discussion and thinking great thoughts, but they don't verbalize them. When this happens, not only does the church miss out on needed wisdom, but that person forfeits leadership. Leaders speak up. If you don't, you'll have a hard time making an impact. 4. Silence . . . Promotes Division. The Body of Christ is affirmed when you speak words of unity, support, and mutual conviction. Silence leaves people wondering where you stand - whether on family values, your support of the new pastor, or your commitment to the building program. Unfortunately, in the local church, negative people tend to speak louder than positive people and end up forming a negative "majority." All it would take is one positive person to lead the way, and others would quickly add their support. Speak up - your input can help conquer division and promote unity in your church. Don't stand silent when your input can make a positive impact. If you make a habit of speaking up in love, you'll be more precious than gold to your church.

The English Language Lets face it. English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on another You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which you fill in a form By filling it out And a bell is only heard once it goes! English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all) That is why When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this poem It ends.

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable. Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you? Patient: Sure did! The bottle said "keep tightly closed."

Actual answering machine answers: Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Hi. Now you say something. Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you? Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray'-ter : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at Wendy's Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl' : What a bullfighter tries to do Baloney uh-lo'-nee' : Where some hemlines fall Bernadette urn'-a-det' : The act of torching a mortgage Burglarize ur'-gler-ize' : What a crook sees with Control kon'-trol : A short, ugly inmate Counterfeiters kown'-ter-fit'-ers : Workers who install kitchen cabinets Eclipse ee-klips' : What a Cockney barber does for a living Eyedropper i'-drop-ur : A clumsy ophthalmologist Heroes hee-rhos' : What a guy in a boat does Left Bank left' bangk' : What the robber did when his loot bag was full Misty mis-tee' : How golfers create divots Paradox par'-u-doks' : Two physicians Parasites par'-ih-sites' : What you see from the top of the EiffelTower Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist : A helper on the farm Polarize po'-lur-ize' : What penguins see with Primate pri'-mate' : Removing your spouse from in front of the TV Relief ee-leef' : What trees do in the spring Selfish sel'-fish' : What the owner of a seafood store does Subdued sub-dood' : A guy who, like, works on a submarine, man

Despite the "Do Not Touch" signs, a museum was having no success in keeping patrons from touching--and soiling--priceless furniture and art. But the problem evaporated overnight when a clever museum employee replaced the signs with ones that read: "Caution: Wash Hands After Touching!

* How is it that flammable and inflammable mean the same? * Why is it that a jailer is someone in charge of a jail, but a prisoner is someone in prison?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, some freeways charge a toll, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

A man who uses a great many words to express his meaning is like a bad marksman who, instead of aiming a single stone at an object, takes up a handful and throws at it in hopes he may hit.

The story is told of Franklin Roosevelt, who often endured long receiving lines at the White House. He complained that no one really paid any attention to what was said. One day, during a reception, he decided to try an experiment. To each person who passed down the line and shook his hand, he murmured, "I murdered my grandmother this morning." The guests responded with phrases like, "Marvelous! Keep up the good work. We are proud of you. God bless you, sir." It was not till the end of the line, while greeting the ambassador from Bolivia, that his words were actually heard. Nonplussed, the ambassador leaned over and whispered, "I'm sure she had it coming."

I use a small personal size spiral note pad, not a clipboard. Clipboards are associated with political campaigns. I write the questions down so that if (when?) my mind goes blank, I don't end up asking an inappropriate question. To start an interview I normally approach someone that’s walking (at first I didn't do this but I learned that it’s probably best). People are less defensive when I offer to walk along with them wherever they’re going. If they’re in a hurry or feeling pressured it’s easy for them to say so without feeling awkward or mean. I ask if they would mind giving their personal opinion on a few things and I tell them that 'm not going to comment on their answers. This is is really just an interview. I usually begin by asking "Do you normally feel comfortable talking to people you don't know about spiritual or religious matters?" After that question I usually ask 2 or 3 more. Some of the questions I've asked are: Do you think ghosts (or spirits) are real? How do you feel when the subject of Jesus comes up in a conversation? Do you think the church has a positive influence on society? How do you feel when someone invites you to a religious event? Have you ever had someone try to convert or “save” you? Does Christianity have a positive influence on society? Is there a religious or spiritual person that you admire? Do you think there are messages for you in your dreams? Do you think that Christians in general are a good representation of Jesus?

Computer program detects author gender Simple algorithm suggests words and syntax bear sex and genre stamp. 18 July 2003 PHILIP BALL A.S Byatt confuses the computer; will it see through George Elliot? A new computer program can tell whether a book was written by a man or a woman. The simple scan of key words and syntax is around 80% accurate on both fiction and non-fiction1,2. The program's success seems to confirm the stereotypical perception of differences in male and female language use. Crudely put, men talk more about objects, and women more about relationships. Female writers use more pronouns (I, you, she, their, myself), say the program's developers, Moshe Koppel of Bar-Ilan University in Ramat Gan, Israel, and colleagues. Males prefer words that identify or determine nouns (a, the, that) and words that quantify them (one, two, more). So this article would already, through sentences such as this, have probably betrayed its author as male: there is a prevalence of plural pronouns (they, them), indicating the male tendency to categorize rather than personalize. If I were female, the researchers imply, I'd be more likely to write sentences like this, which assume that you and I share common knowledge or engage us in a direct relationship. These differing styles have previously been called 'informational' and 'involved', respectively. Koppel and colleagues trained their algorithm on a few test cases to identify the most prevalent fingerprints of gender and of fiction and non-fiction. They then set it searching for these fingerprints in 566 English-language works in a variety of genres, ranging from A Guide to Prague to A. S. Byatt's novel Possession - which, intriguingly, the programme misclassified by gender, along with Kazuo Ishiguro's The Remains of the Day. Strikingly, the distinctions between male and female writers are much the same as those that, even more clearly, differentiate non-fiction and fiction. The programme can tell these two genres apart with 98% accuracy. This is perhaps unsurprising, given that non-fiction is more informational and fiction more involved. Most of the works studied were published after 1975. The Israeli team now intends to probe whether the differences extend further back in time - and so whether George Eliot was wasting her time disguising herself with a male nom de plume - and also whether they occur in other languages. References Koppel, M., Argamon, S. & Shimoni, A. R. Automatically categorizing written texts by author gender. Literary and Linguistic Computing, in the press, (2003). |Homepage| Argamon, S., Koppel, M., Fine, J. & Shimoni, A. R. Gender, genre, and writing style in formal written texts. Text, in the press, (2003).

As a public service, here are some common phrases used in the church, along with their English-language equivalents: Christianese: "If it be God's will." Translation: "I really don't think God is going to answer this one. Christianese: "Let's have a word of prayer." Translation: "I am going to pray for a long, long, long time." Christianese: "That's not my spiritual gift." Translation: "Find someone else." Christianese: "Fellowship" Translation: "Organized gluttony." Christianese: "The Lord works in mysterious ways." Translation: "I'm totally clueless." Christianese: "Lord willing . . ." Translation: "You may think I'll be there, but I won't." Christianese: "I don't feel led." Translation: "Can't make me." Christianese: "God led me to do something else." Translation: I slept in instead of going to church. Christianese: "God really helped me with this test." Translation: "I didn't study but I guessed good, so I'm giving God credit in the hope that He helps me again." Christianese: "She has such a sweet spirit!" Translation: "What an airhead!" Christianese: "I have a 'check' in my spirit about him." Translation: "I can't stand that jerk!" Christianese: "I'll be praying for you." Translation: "There's an outside chance I'll remember this conversation later today." Christianese: "Prayer concerns" Translation: "Gossip" Christianese: "In conclusion . . . " Translation: "I'll be done in another hour or so." Christianese: "Let us pray" Translation: "I'm going to pretend to talk to God now, but I'm really preaching at you." Christianese: "You just have to put it in God's hands." Translation: "Don't expect me to help you." Christianese: "God wants to prosper you!" Translation: "Give me all your money."

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something to cure the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?" The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

"If I could do miracles, I'd do miracles. But since I can't, we have visual aids."

Original page: http://my.webmd.com/content/Article/82/97196.htm -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Math May Tell Which Marriages Last Calculus, More Than Chemistry, Predicts Future Divorce Rates By Sid Kirchheimer WebMD Medical News Reviewed By Brunilda Nazario, MD on Friday, February 13, 2004 Feb. 13, 2004 -- "Chemistry" may get the credit as the foundation for a good relationship, but new research suggests that calculus may better predict whether it stays intact. Researchers say that a mathematical formula they devised can predict with at least 94% accuracy which couples will eventually divorce. "We actually were at 100% accuracy for most of our study, but a few couples we didn't think would get a divorce based on our formula did, which lowered our accuracy," says mathematician James D. Murray, PhD, DSc, FRS, of the University of Washington and Oxford University. "Still, after testing it on 700 couples, it's incredibly accurate." The formula, which will be officially presented Saturday at the annual of meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science, predicts future divorce rates based on positive or negative numerical scores given for specific expressions or comments made as couples discussed a point of contention while being interviewed by a marriage counselor. "It could be about money, sex, in-laws, housing -- whatever," Murray tells WebMD. "We videotaped couples during a 15-minute conversation and then tracked scores based on their actions and reactions onto a graph, so it wound up looking like a jagged-lined, cumulative Dow Jones average stock report." The mathematical model charts this interaction into what the researchers call a "Dow Jones Industrial Average for marital conversation." For instance, a roll of the eyes by one mate scored a negative 4 score; a nod indicting interest or well-placed use of humor when discussions got heated warranted a positive 4. Add the scores and it comes to this bottom line: It's not whether a couple frequently argues that predicts their success. It's how they argue. Masters and Disasters of Marriage "When couples whose marriages are stable over time talk about an area of contention or disagreement, their discussions have five times as many positive comments or expressions as negative. In couples who eventually headed to divorce, ratio of positive-to-negative was 0.8 to 1," says psychologist John Gottman, PhD, a noted marriage expert who conceived the mathematical formula and enlisted Murray's mathematical skills to help develop it some 13 years ago. The scores for these ratios are based on two coding systems that Gottman developed -- a checklist of 13 behaviors scored for the speaker, and nine behaviors that are scored for the listener on each turn at speech, in both contentious discussions as well as any type of conversation. Before this model was developed, divorce prediction was not accurate," Gottman says, "and we had no idea how to analyze what we call the masters and disasters of marriage -- those long-term happily married and divorced couples." "When the masters of marriage are talking about something important, they may be arguing, but they are also laughing and teasing and there are signs of affection because they have made emotional connections," Gottman says. "But a lot of people don't know how to connect or how to build a sense of humor, and this means a lot of fighting that couples engage in is a failure to make emotional connections. We wouldn't have known this without the mathematical model." Make or Break Factors Some of the most significant factors were the nonverbal cues. "For example, there's a facial expression of contempt in which the left lip corner moves to the side and creates a dimple. We see it all the time in couples who are going to break up - and it's huge in our mathematical formula," Gottman tells WebMD. "Eye rolling and sighing in response to a partner's comment are also very big negative behaviors." Scoring high on the positive end: Words or actions that show empathy, support, or just interest in what the mate expresses about contentious topics -- for instance, supporting words or gestures such as an "I-hear-you-sweetie" nod. "On the positive side, humor and affection are probably the two most important," says Gottman, who directs the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle and is professor emeritus of psychology at UW. "But you even get some, but not many, positive points for just bringing up a problem in neutral terms, without emotion." In addition to predicting divorce with the 5-to-1 ratio of positive-to-negative interactions, Murray says the model can actually predict when it's likely to occur: Couples with a steep drop from a neutral point on their "stock chart" typically divorced within five years; a more gentle downward spiral suggested a breakup after 16 years of marriage. The 700 couples were drawn from six separate studies conducted by Gottman over the past 32 years. "They include the entire spectrum of married people -- young newlyweds, couples with small children, those with teenaged kids, seniors, even same-sex relationships." The actual mathematical formula has been tested on them for 13 years, and many couples are still being tracked. So how do you stack the numbers in your favor? "If I have to give one piece of advice based on this for heterosexual relationships, I'd say it's the importance of a man honoring his wife's life dreams, and showing his support," Gottman tells WebMD. "For women, it's having a gentle approach to raising issues. For instance, rather than saying, 'You don't pay enough attention to me', you say, 'Honey, I'm getting that lonely feeling because I really miss you and need more of you in my day.' "Basically, in good relationships people pussy-foot around each other. They think about how their partner is going to react before they act or speak." Susan Heitler, PhD, a marriage therapist in Denver and author of The Power of Two, a book on improving relationships, tells WebMD that the mathematical formula for predicting divorce indeed adds up. "What this does is put into mathematical form what clinicians, relatives, and neighbors see for years before people they know get a divorce," she says. "The more negativity there is in a relationship, the less happiness. And at some point, the couple says, 'this isn't worth it.'" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SOURCES: American Association for the Advancement of Science annual meeting, Seattle, Feb. 12-16, 2004. James D Murray, PhD, DSc, FRS, professor emeritus of applied mathematics, University of Washington, Seattle; professor emeritus of mathematical biology, University of Oxford, England. John Gottman, PhD, director, Relationship Research Institute, Seattle; professor emeritus of psychology at University of Washington, Seattle; author, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Susan Heitler, PhD, clinical psychologist and marriage therapist, Denver; author, The Power of Two. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- © 2004 WebMD Inc. All rights reserved.

"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter."

Men are never so likely to settle a question rightly as when they discuss it freely.

The soul never thinks without a picture.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

Samson slew 1,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. I have destroyed as many relationships with the same weapon…" --

Few men make themselves masters of the things they write or speak. – John Selden, 1564-1654

Be straightforward and honest about your true feelings. Rather be too rude than too smooth, too blunt than too kind. Rather say an unkind word that is true than one that is “nice” but ungenuine. You can always be sorry for an unkind word, but hypocrisy causes permanent harm.

People don't just hear what you say, they hear what you're saying plus what they already believe.