He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.

MacDonald has the gift of compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity.

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.

His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice

Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Ways to say someone is stupid: 1) He couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 2) His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 3) A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 4) The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

A little boy keeps on making ugly faces at his classmates. Finally the teacher warned him, "Jonathan, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces I would stay that way." The little boy looked at her face and said, "It must be true."

When I am right, I get angry. Churchill gets angry when he is wrong. So we were often angry at each other.

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he wanted to irritate him. He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy." "Oh really? Hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that! Thank you." Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. "You're right; he's unshakable!" The third English man said: "No, no, no, I bet I can really piss him off, you just watch." He walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "I hear your St. Patrick was really an English man!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies have been telling me."

Reverend Henry Ward Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word, "Fool." Quietly and with becoming seriousness he shared the letter with the congregation and announced: "I have known many an instance of a person writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of someone signing his name and forgetting to write the letter."

My Missouri golf buddy John Ohlin has sent me a few other caddie scenarios: Golfer - "I've played so poorly today I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddie: "I don't think you could keep your head down that long." Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddie in the world!" Caddie: "I doubt it - that would be too much of a coincidence." A preacher golfer: "Caddie, do you think it's a sin to play golf on Sunday?" Caddie, "Reverend, the way you play, it's a sin any day of the week." And the golfer who thought more highly of his distance shots than he should have: "Caddie, do you think I can reach the green with a five iron?" Caddie: "Eventually."

37 Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid 1. A few clowns short of a circus 2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal 3. An experiment in artificial stupidity 4. A few cans short of a six-pack 5. Dumber than a box of hair 6. A few peas short of a casserole 7. Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box 8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead 9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl 10. One taco short of a combo plate 11. A few feathers short of a whole duck 12. All fizz, no pop 13. The cheese slid off the cracker 14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel 15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt 16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear 17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel 18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down 19. An intellect rivalled only by garden tools 20. As smart as bait 21. Chimney's clogged 22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash 23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair 24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor 25. Forgot to pay his brain bill 26. Her sewing machine's out of thread 27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels 28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops 29. If he had another brain it would be lonely 30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control 31. No grain in the silo 32. Receiver is off the hook 33. Several nuts short of a full pouch 34. Skylight leaks a little 35. Slinky's kinked 36. Too much yardage between the goal posts 37. Surfing in Nebraska

A father was examining his son's report card. "One thing is definitely in your favor," he announced. With this report card, you couldn't possibly be cheating."

Thins You'd Like to Say to Clients Gnomie Wayne Clark and I got into a discussion about customers that just insist on being difficult, and how to handle them. After our conversation, he emailed me the following humorous list of things you'd just love to tell customers at the appropriate time: Spend the money! If your car broke down that often you wouldn't hesitate paying whatever it took to get it fixed. You're right it is more important to spend ten times that on your curtains You buy a new car every year and change all the appliances in your house and you won't upgrade your PC every five years? I know it's not working you did the exact opposite to my advice and took the cheapest product! I know it doesn't work any better you went against my advice and took the most expensive product. I don't do raising from the dead. It has a grudge against you because you won't upgrade it Yes that's right D E A D, it's not playing dead - it is! An illegal operation? get out fast the cops will be there any minute. No the disks were really just some modern art, software companies throw in for your enjoyment, there was no reason to keep them No I can't think why you should have kept it when they put DO NOT LOSE THIS NUMBER on it. I won't give you the disc for free because I'm just plain mean. That's alright the boss pays me to sit on the phone for an hour and a half giving you free advice. I can't think why I would want to charge a call out fee when I've just driven ten miles across town through rush hour traffic when I have a dozen machines in my workshop waiting for me and you say it fixed itself. Ok a little bit to the left now, Ok now go ahead kick it again. Does that feel better? I don't mind you wasting my time, I have a special rate for that, it's the same rate you normally charge! Yeah it's just a computer you don't need to spend money on it, it should keep working indefinitely letting you do your job. My rates are high? You haven't seen the interest on my student loan! Yeah I like ripping my clients off by charging them little more than state of the art technology costs me to buy and install. Oh sure I'll tell you how to do my job for free. You're right you did know best when you did something you didn't have a clue about.

How to describe someone who's...uh...you know... ~ Lights are on, nobody's home. ~ A few clowns short of a circus. ~ A few fries short of a Happy Meal. ~ A few peas short of a casserole. ~ Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. ~ Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. ~ The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. ~ One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. ~ One taco short of a combination plate. ~ Fell out of the family tree ~ A few feathers short of a whole duck. ~ The cheese slid off his cracker. ~ Body by Fisher; brains by Mattel. ~ Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. ~ An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. ~ As smart as bait. ~ Chimney's clogged. ~ Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. ~ Forgot to pay his brain bill. ~ His sewing machine's out of thread. ~ If she had another brain, it would be lonely. ~ Slinky's kinked. ~ Surfing in Nebraska. ~ Too much yardage between the goal posts. ~ Big like ox; smart like tractor. ~ A few sandwiches short of a picnic. ~ Not wound too tight. ~ Shirt size: large. Cap size: small. ~ Room temperature IQ. ~ A few box cars short of a full trainload. ~ Missing a hard-drive. ~ Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. ~ Doesn't have two wits to bat together. ~ Not the brightest crayon in the box. ~ One tire short of a Goodyear. ~ A few Pinata's short of a fiesta. ~ Butter slipped off the noodles. ~ Not firing on all thrusters. ~ Two cards short of a full deck. ~ Three dots short of an ink-blot test. ~ Forgot to use a surge protector. ~ Half bubble off level. ~ The mental agility of a used soap dish.

"I have at least this in common with Hegel: you have not read either of us."

Don’t interrupt me when I’m interrupting. -- Winston Churchill

Some snappy comebacks you'd like to use at the office, but can't 1. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 2. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 3. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 5. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and foolish. 6. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 7. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 8. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 10. Do I look like a people person? 11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 12. Chaos, panic, & disorder — my work here is done. 13. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Samson slew 1,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. I have destroyed as many relationships with the same weapon…" --

"Bimbonic Plague" -- William Safire WNQR-FM -- "We’re Not Quite Ready For Mensa"