A retired man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister don't go into shock later when I move out." He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this." She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night." The father agrees, "All right." He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, hon, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"

An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. Muslims have their holidays, such as The Holiday of Charity and The Commemoration of Abraham's Sacrifice. Every religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holidays. It's unfair discrimination, I say!" His friend replied, "Well, why don't you celebrate April first?"

A man walks into a pub and orders three pints of Guinness. The bartender gives him a strange look and then sets them down. The man drinks the three pints, pays, and leaves. He comes in the next day and does the same thing. The bartender asks, "Why do you order all three at once? I'd be happy to bring them to you one at a time." The man replied, "Oh--it's my brothers. When we were younger we swore to always order our drinks together. Now we live far apart, and so I keep the tradition up as best I can." Every day for months the man came in and ordered three pints, drank them, paid, and left. One day he came in and ordered two pints. The pub fell silent as the patrons realized what this meant. The bartender walked over slowly and set down the two pints in front of the man. "Let me be the first to offer you my condolences," he said sorrowfully. "What? Oh, you've misunderstood. No one's dead--I've just given up drinking for Lent!"