"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"

Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Did you hear about the Baptist deacon who was driving along when he was stopped by the local police. Seeing an empty bottle on the floor, the officer said, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "No officer, just water," replied the smiling deacon. "Then why do I smell alcohol on your breath?" asked the policeman. "Praise the Lord!" shouted the deacon. "He's done it again!"

At the Sundance Festival in Park City, Utah, Robert Downey Jr. said: Oh, I can't drink these days. I'm allergic to alcohol and narcotics. If I use them, I break out in handcuffs.

One sophomore argued that Stanford is not a factor in his decision to use drugs. “It is the fact that I am away from my parents,” he said. “Not being at home has allowed me to do drugs all the time. Thank you, college.” "Hard Drugs are Rare on Campus", Sarah Lustbader, Wednesday, June 4, 2003

According to Camarillo, residence deans have noticed a connection between regular drug use and social and academic difficulties. "Hard Drugs are Rare on Campus", Sarah Lustbader, Wednesday, June 4, 2003 That's my "duh!" sentence of the year award.

“In the morning, I regret getting drunk every night. But every night it seems like a good idea again. We’re stupid. But we’re 22. It’s allowed.” - Jet bassist Mark Wilson, Blender, March 2004, p. 62.

I always keep a stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Nympha pudica Deum vidit, et erubuit - Richard Crashaw The modest water, seeing its God, blushed.

Yes, it might mean delivering the dreaded "mixed message," but the truth is often a mixed message... the truth is, not all drugs are created equal, and the mix of different drugs available in American schools requires a mix of messages. [he's making the point that you can responsibly advocate legalizing pot without legalizing all drugs, and that we already make the same distinction with alcohol]

...from a Baptist Seminary professor who i once heard say, regarding a response to a waitress offering wine, "No thank you. We are Baptists. We don't drink in front of each other."

Noah Was Messed Up

"Noah was the first person to plant vineyards and drink wine and get drunk," [Darren Aronofsky] says admiringly. "It's there in the Bible - it was one of the first things he did when he reached land. There was some real survivor's guilt going on there. He's a dark, complicated character."

The First Meal On The Moon

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were the first men to walk on the moon in the Apollo 11 space mission. Michael Collins third member of the group, was in charge of the command module, essential for their return to earth, which circled the moon while Armstrong and Aldrin landed. The moon lander touched down at 3:17 Eastern Standard Time, Sunday, July 20, 1969. Aldrin had brought with him a tiny communion kit, given him by his church, that had a silver chalice and wine vial about the size of the tip of his finger. During the morning he radioed, "Houston, this is Eagle. This is the LM pilot speaking. I would like to request a few moments of silence. I would like to invite each person listening in, whoever or wherever he may be, to contemplate for a moment the events of the last few hours, and to give thanks in his own individual way." "In the radio blackout," he wrote later, "I opened the little plastic packages which contained the bread and the wine. I poured the wine into the chalice our church had given me. In the one-sixth gravity of the moon, the wine slowly curled and gracefully came up the side of the cup. Then I read the Scripture, 'I am the vine, you are the branches. Whosoever abides in me will bring forth much fruit.' I had intended to read my communion passage back to earth, but at the last minute Deke Slayton had requested that I not do this. NASA was already embroiled in a legal battle with Madelyn Murray O'Hare, the celebrated opponent of religion, over the Apollo 8 crew reading from Genesis while orbiting the moon at Christmas. I agreed reluctantly..." "Eagle's metal body creaked. I ate the tiny Host and swallowed the wine. I gave thanks for the intelligence and spirit that had brought two young pilots to the Sea of Tranquility. It was interesting for me to think: the very first liquid ever poured on the moon, and the very first food eaten there, were the communion elements."