MAJOR U.S. RESEARCH UNIVERSITY DISCOVERS NEW ELEMENT!!

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element,
tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus
has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125
assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons.
This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like
particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact
with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium
causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would
have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a
normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does
not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant
neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after
each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. If
can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained
buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction
where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to
determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible
damage, but results to date are not promising.

Appolog