The following is a list (very abbreviated) of some sugar foods, and a short explanation as to their properties and purposes. Read only if you are in a humorous frame of mind. ALTOIDS--A cheap substitute for more dangerous addictives, altoid users are among the most common of substance abusers. They are easy to spot with their bulging pockets, noisy nasal breathing, and lack of friends. The fact that they have no friends is often attributed to a compelling desire on their part to push their product. Their common conversational opener is, "Have an altoid?" Beware of these menaces to society. Altoids are very easy to get into and very hard to kick, so play it safe and "Just say NO!" ATOMIC FIREBALLS--As the name implies, this candy's calm, cool red exterior disguises a very potent nature. These are generally sucked by young adults in a vain attempt to prove toughness. Experts claim atomic fireballs can be used as substitutes for matches, lighters, and flashlights. A common sign of overexposure to this 'candy' is redness and swelling of the tongue, accompanied by loss of breath and uncontrollable weeping. Some people compete to find who can withstand the most at one time. Only fools and madmen would even consider trying this. I personally have gotten up to three. BUBBLE YUM--A total waste of money, this 'gum', as the package maliciously identifies itself, has all the cohesive properties of a paper towel. Within twenty minutes of entering your mouth, Bubble Yum will have totally dissolved into nothing but a mouthful of saliva and loose fibers. It is as disgusting as it sounds. CANDY CANES--The only lethal weapon NOT on the Defense Department's list of lethal weapons, it is a well known fact among minors that the tip of the candy cane may be sucked down to a point comparable to that of a blow dart, only larger. A favorite tool for poking teachers, annoying roommates, and the guy who, up until a few moments ago, was sitting in your seat on the bus. EVERLASTING GOBSTOPPERS--Available in a multitude of colors, these sweets are a cross between the Chinese water torture and the Duracell Bunny: they keep going and going and going until you either die of boredom or wear a hole in your tongue. LAFFY TAFFY--A useful substitute for super glue, a chemical reaction occurs whenever this candy comes in contact with saliva, bonding it permanently to your teeth. This problem has given rise to a new strain of dentists who operate only on Laffy Taffy trauma. A common misconception is that the term 'lockjaw' applies to some other condition of the face. It does not. MINCE MEAT PIE--A favorite among do-it-yourself cooks, this item is just as delicious as it sounds. One warning: never ask about the ingredients! The answer to this query has caused hardened Thanksgivers to weep, wail, gnash teeth...and worse. Should you accidentally come upon a victim, there will be no need to induce vomiting. Call a surgeon at the local ER but don't go into any details or they will be of no help to you, either. PUMKIN PIE--Another favorite around Thanksgiving, from October to January, Pumkin Pie will be as common as sand in your shoes after a trip to the beach, and twice as annoying. The easiest way to avoid it is to exclaim, "Aunt Martha! Aunt Martha! I thought you were joking about poisoning your pie! Now which one of these was your's?" SNICKERS--A wonderful treat to take with you on your backpacking trip. The layers of caramel and chocolate will sweep you away in a wave of ecstasy, revitalizing and renewing as it carries you along. The only downside is that it melts in extreme heat, extreme heat being any temperature above freezing. After a long hike, Snickers has the tendency to explode from the package upon opening. A simple remedy is to open the package away from yourself and camp. A tent is difficult to role up after having received a coating of Snickers. TWINKIES--The long distance champion, Twinkies are known for their longevity of life. Expiration dates are so far in the future as to be unnecessary. A Twinky was found in an Egyptian pyramid, unmoldy and quite fresh. The fact that it had been stored in a clay jar seemed to make no difference in taste, as the archeologist who sampled it was heard to state, "MMMMmmmmnnnnngggguuuhhh!