My friend Bill Hybels has taught me the importance of helping
teams develop a strategy for talking about tough issues without
damaging the people involved. The following are phrases that
have evolved out of the Willow Creek leadership teams. You will
find several you can use on your team. I also hope you will
develop some key phrases for your own use.

"Language That Preserves Community"

When you hear an idea that sounds crazy at first, say "Help me
understand."

This keeps the focus on the idea without making a premature
judgment about the validity of the idea. It also keeps us from
making light of what another person really believes will be
helpful.

When someone is being dogmatic about an issue, say "Can I push
back on that a little bit?"

This phrase reminds everyone that all ideas are open to
discussion, and that it isn't fair to the team to shut down the
discussion.

When presenting a big risk or a radical idea, say "Give me an
umbrella of mercy here."

In other words, "Don't laugh out loud." An idea deserves to be
heard without immediately shooting it out of the sky.

When there's a general uneasiness in the meeting, say "There's an
elephant in the room."

We've all been in those meetings where we sensed some tension and
everyone pretended it wasn't there. This phrase gives permission
to acknowledge that tension, which then opens the door to address
and resolve it.

When someone is whining, blaming, or rehashing the obvious, say
"Can we get on the solution side of this problem?"

I'm always amazed at people who think that seeing a problem that
is obvious to everyone is some kind of gift. Once the problem
has been identified, the only discussions worth pursuing are
those that can lead to resolving the problem.

When you need to speak hard truth, say "With your permission, I'd
like to give you the last ten percent."

This phrase is built on the premise that the first ninety percent
of what we need to tell one another is easy. It is the last ten
percent that is usually left unsaid because it is so hard to say.
Asking for permission to share the hard part puts the
responsibility for growth on the shoulders of the person who will
receive the last ten percent. They then have the option of
receiving it, or saying, "Now is not a good time for me
emotionally. Can we do it another time?" Either way, everyone
knows there is unfinished business, and healthy relationships are
strengthened as we "speak the truth in love" to one another.

After a difficult meeting, say "Are we alright with each other?"

We've all been in situations where we got a little too passionate
about an issue, or phrased responses in ways that were too
strong, and inadvertently wounded people around us. This phrase
reminds us that relationships are primary. To reach every one of
our goals and lose our friendships in the process would be a
hollow victory. Caring about the answer to this question insures
we all reach the goal line together.

This article is used by permission from Dr. John C. Maxwell's free monthly e-newsletter
'Leadership Wired' available at www.INJOY.com.