Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most fools do.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

If a lie is repeated often enough all the dumb jackasses in the world not only get to believe it, they even swear by it.

The most self-destructive impulse that afflicts young men is the desire to be honest with young women.

The world is composed of geniuses and idiots. I am unable to understand the one and unable to tolerate the other.

The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

The silliest woman can manage a clever man; but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.

It's easier to be original and foolish than original and wise.

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.

He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Cleopatra's nose: if it had been shorter, the whole face of the earth would have been different.

"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully. "Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever." "And he has a Brain." "Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has a Brain." There was a long silence. "I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."

To attack a man for talking nonsense is like finding your mortal enemy drowning in a swamp and jumping in after him with a knife.

It is the business of little minds to shrink.

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

When you remove God from His throne, you don't worship nothing--you worship anything.

Famous last words: 1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 3. I wonder what this button does . . . 4. We won't need reservations. 5. It's always sunny there this time of the year. 6. Don't worry, it's not loaded. 7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make you a manager. 8. Don't worry, I can handle it. 9. You and what army? 10.If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop.

If only our great thinkers could learn to talk, and our great talkers could learn to think!

History records no more gallant struggle than that of humanity against the truth.

Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.

It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".

You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.

"I was in New Hampshire with my family at a pizza place. The kid working there goes, 'Hey, you look like Adam Sandler.' I said, 'Yeah, I know.' He goes, 'What's your name?' I go 'Adam Sandler.' And he goes, 'Whoa, that's a coincidence.'"

Why did the Wicked Witch have a bucket in her castle if she was so allergic to it in the first place?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 a throw on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

"The wise person questions the wisdom of others because they question their own; the foolish one, because it is different from their own.

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice."

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for."

It is the triumph of reason to get along well with those who possess none.

Wouldn't it be nice if the wattage of a car stereo could not exceed the IQ of the driver?

"Man [has] always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reason."

"A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again."

RULES FOR BANK ROBBERS According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. For instance it is reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, this advice is offered to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed: 1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in. 2. Approach the right teller. Granted, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. 3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. 4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon." 5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left. 6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves. 7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money. 8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly-solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass. 9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered. 10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Business, however, pursues other strategies with respect to dead horses: 1. Buy a stronger whip. 2. Change riders. 3. Explain that "This is the way we have always ridden this horse." 4. Appoint a committee to study the horse. 5. Visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Increase the standards required to ride dead horses. 7. Appoint an action team to revive the dead horse. 8. Implement training sessions to increase our riding ability. 9. Evaluate the state of dead horses in today's environment. 10. Simply declare "This horse is not dead." 11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse. 12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed. 13. Convince others that "No horse is too dead to beat." 14. Provide additional funding to increase the horse's performance. 15. Complete a cost analysis to see if contractors can ride the horse cheaper. 16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster. 17. Adopt a position that the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead. 18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses. 19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses. 20. Explain that the horse was procured with cost as an independent variable. 21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Lawyers aren't typically funny--unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official records nationwide: 1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? 3. Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.' Q: Did he kill you? 4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? 5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 6. Were you alone or by yourself? 7. How long have you been a French Canadian? 8. Do you have children or anything of that kind? 9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture? A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? 10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on November 8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes Q: What were you doing at the time? 13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? 14. So you were gone until you returned? 15. Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None Q: Were there girls? 16. You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. 19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." 20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

"The good Lord set definite limits on man's wisdom, but set no limits on his stupidity and that's just not fair!"

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

How to describe someone who's...uh...you know... ~ Lights are on, nobody's home. ~ A few clowns short of a circus. ~ A few fries short of a Happy Meal. ~ A few peas short of a casserole. ~ Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. ~ Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. ~ The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. ~ One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. ~ One taco short of a combination plate. ~ Fell out of the family tree ~ A few feathers short of a whole duck. ~ The cheese slid off his cracker. ~ Body by Fisher; brains by Mattel. ~ Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. ~ An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. ~ As smart as bait. ~ Chimney's clogged. ~ Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. ~ Forgot to pay his brain bill. ~ His sewing machine's out of thread. ~ If she had another brain, it would be lonely. ~ Slinky's kinked. ~ Surfing in Nebraska. ~ Too much yardage between the goal posts. ~ Big like ox; smart like tractor. ~ A few sandwiches short of a picnic. ~ Not wound too tight. ~ Shirt size: large. Cap size: small. ~ Room temperature IQ. ~ A few box cars short of a full trainload. ~ Missing a hard-drive. ~ Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. ~ Doesn't have two wits to bat together. ~ Not the brightest crayon in the box. ~ One tire short of a Goodyear. ~ A few Pinata's short of a fiesta. ~ Butter slipped off the noodles. ~ Not firing on all thrusters. ~ Two cards short of a full deck. ~ Three dots short of an ink-blot test. ~ Forgot to use a surge protector. ~ Half bubble off level. ~ The mental agility of a used soap dish.

I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

Christopher Bergerson wasn't wearing a seat belt when his pickup went off a county road west of Mankato, Minn., and he died when he was thrown from the truck. About 10 to 15 feet from his body, State Patrol Sgt. Dave Anderson found a traffic ticket on the ground. It turned out the Thief River Falls man was cited nine days earlier -- for driving without wearing his seat belt. … Bergerson was driving on Blue Earth County Rd. 11 around 3:30 a.m. Wednesday when his truck left the road, vaulted about 150 feet over Hwy. 68, struck a field approach, flew another 40 feet and went over the fence of Minneopa State Park. It then rolled about 130 feet before hitting a tree and catching fire. Bergerson, 29, was pinned underneath.

I have great faith in fools. Self-confidence, my friends call it.

Last June 26-year-old Gareth Malham from England created a stir when he sold his soul on eBay. He got the idea after watching an episode of the Simpsons in which Bart sells his soul. He sold it to some guy in Oklahoma for $16.95. If you're curious, he sent his soul by means of a legal contract written in his own blood. He said: "I don't think I'm really selling my soul, I believe my soul is me. "I'm more interested in the fact someone wanted to buy it. "I'm playing with the idea of marketplaces and the fact that people will sell anything nowadays." (I have the eBay photo in my photos directory)

There are three kinds of people: The few who learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The majority of them who have to touch the electric fence to see if it's really on.

Once upon a time, a poor widow sends her young son Hans into the village to fetch a simple meal, but along the way into town he discovers a lump of gold. Thrilled, he heads back home to show his mother his amazing good luck. But no sooner has he started back than he meets a knight, who persuades him to exchange the gold for the knight's steed. 'The better for plowing!' the knight assures the boy. "Then a farmer along the way explains that the widow can't eat a horse, so why not exchange the horse for the farmer's cow? After making this reasonable bargain, the boy continues home but then meets up with a neighbor with a goose under his arm. Of course the widow wants a meal today, says the neighbor, so why not exchange cow for goose? Done. Finally, nearly home, he meets up with a boy who tells him that if he exchanges the goose for a whetstone he can keep his knife sharpened for slaughtering any number of geese in the future. Done again. But when he gets home he notices this clumsy stone in his pocket and, puzzled at its presence, throws it away before crossing the threshold of his home, none the sadder and certainly none the wiser.

The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance -- it is the illusion of knowledge.

Wise people learn when they can; fools learn when they must.

He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse who takes every advice.

You will always find a few Eskimos ready to tell the Congolese how to cope with the heat.

Nothing is more dangerous than an idea when it is the only one you have. – Emile Chartier

When I heard about Alice Pike's arrest, two questions came to mind. Alice is the woman who tried to pay for her Wal-Mart purchases with a $1 million bill. My two questions: "There isn't really a $1 million bill, is there?" and, "What was she thinking?" The answer to the first question is no, silly. The U.S. Treasury doesn't make a bank note with that many zeros. I don't know how high they do go, but thanks to Alice, nobody is going to con me on the million dollar one now. As far as what Alice was thinking, I don't believe she was. Alice went to the register with $1,675 worth of stuff. What is amazing is that she expected change. Math is not my strong suit, but by my calculation, that's a lot of change. Was Alice really expecting that the cashier not only would, but actually could, hand over $998,325.00? Did she envision the cashier on the loudspeaker saying, "We need 10's and 20's on aisle 5?" Did she even bring a vehicle big enough to handle her purchases and the mountain of change? Alice helps remind us of the irrationality of sin. Most sin doesn't make sense. We lie and expect good results. We overindulge in food or alcohol or entertainment and expect to feel better. We take what isn't ours and expect satisfaction. We refuse to resist temptation and expect peace. We act selfishly and expect stronger relationships. We ignore repentance and expect forgiveness. We hand over a fake and expect change.

The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not entirely absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible.

"Bimbonic Plague" -- William Safire WNQR-FM -- "We’re Not Quite Ready For Mensa"

The town of Le Lavandou on the French Riviera recently passed a law barring any more burials in the town cemetery. It's full. The law says, "It is forbidden without a cemetery plot to die on the territory of the commune." The law hasn't stopped people from dying. Nineteen people have died without a plot and are temporarily housed in friends' vaults. There is only one law against dying that really works—the law of the Resurrection. Citation: Lee Eclov, Lake Forest, Illinois; from Chicago Tribune (9-22-00)

Reuters Updated: 5:51 a.m. ET Nov. 3, 2004 TAIPEI, Taiwan - A man leaped into a lion's den at the Taipei Zoo on Wednesday to try to convert the king of beasts to Christianity, but was bitten in the leg for his efforts. "Jesus will save you!" shouted the 46-year-old man at two African lions lounging under a tree a few meters away. "Come bite me!" he said with both hands raised, television footage showed. One of the lions, a large male with a shaggy mane, bit the man in his right leg before zoo workers drove it off with water hoses and tranquilizer guns. Newspapers said that the lions had been fed earlier in the day, otherwise the man might have been more seriously hurt ... or worse. NOTE: attached photo - "An image taken from television shows a man being attacked by a lion after he crossed a barbed wire fence to "preach" to two of the animals at the Taipei Zoo on Wednesday." Copyright 2004 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved. Republication or redistribution of Reuters content is expressly prohibited without the prior written consent of Reuters.

http://www.snopes.com/autos/accident/seatbelt.asp Despite the vital role automobile seat belts have played in saving thousands and thousands of lives over the last several decades, there is still a group Buckle up of drivers and passengers who are determined not to wear them, for any number of reasons: because they find them too uncomfortable or confining, because they don't believe in their efficacy, because they've heard that wearing seat belts might actually cost them their lives in certain types of accidents, or because they resent as an unwarranted intrusion of government into private life the plethora of laws now requiring motorists to buckle up. In this vein, we note with a sense of both sadness and irony a couple of articles recently called to our attention. The first is a 17 September 2004 editorial published in the Daily Nebraskan and entitled "Individual Rights Buckle Under Seat Belt Laws," by Derek Kieper, a 21-year-old senior at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, in which the writer inveighed against mandatory seat belt laws, opining that "Uncle Sam is not here to regulate every facet of life no matter the consequences," and that "Democrats and Republicans alike should stand together to stop these laws that are incongruous with the ideals of both parties." In the midst of his editorial he noted: As laws become increasingly strict for seat belts, fewer people will respond positively by buckling up in response to the laws. There seems to be a die-hard group of non-wearers out there who simply do not wish to buckle up no matter what the government does. I belong to this group. Evidently his words were far more prescient than any of us might have wanted, as an article in the 4 January 2005 Lincoln Journal Star reported that Mr. Kieper not only died in a car crash, but the tragic mishap that claimed his life was the very type of accident in which seat belts have proved so effective in saving lives — preventing passengers from being ejected from vehicles: Derek Kieper was a smart, funny, intense young man who relished a good debate and would do anything for his friends. Kieper, a 21-year-old senior at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, died early Tuesday morning when the Ford Explorer he was a passenger in travelled off an icy section of Interstate 80 and rolled several times in a ditch. Kieper, who was riding in the back seat of the Explorer, was ejected from the vehicle. Two others in the vehicle, including the driver, Luke Havermann of Ogallala, and the front-seat passenger, Nick Uphoff of Randolph Air Force Base in Texas, sustained non-life threatening injuries. Havermann and Uphoff, both 21, were being treated at BryanLGH Medical Center West. Derek, who was thrown from the vehicle, was not wearing a seat belt, [Capt. Joe Lefler of the Lancaster County Sheriff's Office] said. He said Havermann and Uphoff were wearing seat belts at the time.

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. Billy Madison: Okay, a simple no would've done just fine.