The Scots invented golf, which might explain why they invented Scotch.

I thought Tiger Woods was crazy. What in the world did he have in his mind anyway? Here is the man who dominated the pro-golf world, who had won the prestigious Masters, who was blasting 300 yard drives, hitting crisp iron shots at the pins, like shooting darts, and draining putts from every spot on the green. Here is the man who had already won several million dollars in prize money, who had gained over sixty million bucks from endorsements, and was being hailed as the next Jack Nicklaus. Now...this man...on top of the golf world...takes time out to...change the way he swung the golf club! Was he out of his mind? When asked, Wood replied, "I wasn't in the greatest of positions on my swing. Because my timing was great, I got away with it. But I wondered how I could contend in tournaments where my timing was off. The answer was 'no.' I wanted to change that." He phoned his old coach, Butch Harmon, and said he wanted to rebuild his swing. The two of them went to work, pounding a zillion golf balls on the practice range, reviewing tapes of Woods' swing, and, slowly but surely, reforming the way this brilliant golfer manipulated the club. So? So this year of 2000, Woods simply won 3 of the 4 majors. And more money than he can ever spend. The best wanted to get better! That, to me, is the legacy of Tiger Woods.

My Missouri golf buddy John Ohlin has sent me a few other caddie scenarios: Golfer - "I've played so poorly today I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddie: "I don't think you could keep your head down that long." Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddie in the world!" Caddie: "I doubt it - that would be too much of a coincidence." A preacher golfer: "Caddie, do you think it's a sin to play golf on Sunday?" Caddie, "Reverend, the way you play, it's a sin any day of the week." And the golfer who thought more highly of his distance shots than he should have: "Caddie, do you think I can reach the green with a five iron?" Caddie: "Eventually."

A sports writer was invited for dinner at the residence of golfing legend Arnold Palmer. He arrived a bit early and Mrs. Palmer met him, invited him in, and said her husband would be down in a moment. The writer asked if, while he was waiting, he could see Palmer's trophy room. She replied, "Oh, we don't have such a room." That night, the writer asked the golf pro why he didn't have all his trophies on display--over 90 tour victories, a number of them major tournaments. Palmer looked the columnist right in the eye and replied, "For what? That's yesterday's news!" Then he explained: "I have enjoyed every victory and cherished the memories. I have celebrated those tournaments. But come Monday morning of the next week, I'm no different from the man who missed the cut last week. In fact, he is probably more hungry for a victory than I. So if I am to be competitively ready, I must get my thoughts off yesterday and deal with today. There will be a day when I can take the time to look back. But as long as I want to stay competitive, I must never stop and marvel at what I have accomplished, only look forward to my next challenge at hand."

If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit things with a stick, hit things with a stick. But there's no excuse for combining the two and putting the results on TV. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns. - National Lampoon