Rebellions of the belly are the worst.

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed" and "aahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "This is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day; and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is Heaven! You play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter explained, "That's the best part--you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!" With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable. Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you? Patient: Sure did! The bottle said "keep tightly closed."

A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off. The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away. The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and bites him several times before making off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life. The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Yes, there is a nasty bug going around."

Mr. Smith: I'm Mr. Smith. I'm here to pick up my wife's test results. Receptionist: I'm sorry, sir, but there's been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible. Mr. Smith: What do you mean? Receptionist: Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife. Mr. Smith: That's terrible! Can't we do the test over? Receptionist: Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once. Mr. Smith: Well, what am I supposed to do now? Receptionist: The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her.

An artist walked into the gallery where his work was being displayed. “Has anyone come in to see my paintings?” he asked the gallery owner. “I have good new and bad news,” said the owner. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if your paintings would appreciate in value after your death. I told him they certainly would. He bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."

Physical exercise is good for you. I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that that will keep you fit as a fiddle. Do each of these at least once daily, with meals. * Beating around the bush * Pushing my luck * Climbing the walls * Swallowing my pride * Passing the buck * Throwing my weight around * Dragging my heels * Jumping to conclusions * Making mountains out of molehills * Running around in circles * Eating crow * Tooting my own horn * Putting my foot in my mouth * Picking up the pieces What a workout! I think I'll exercise some caution now, and sit down.

Here is the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than do the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

It's time to go on a diet when: You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side." You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw peanuts to you. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. Your blood type is Ragu. You could sell shade.

In August, 2003, a study was released revealing that money can't buy happiness. Beginning in 1975, University of Southern California researcher Richard Easterlin surveyed 1500 persons annually and found: Many people are under the illusion that the more money we make, the happier we'll be. We put all of our resources into making money at the expense of our family and our health…The problem is we don't realize that our material wants increase with the amount of money we make. The study discovered happiness was related to quality time with loved ones, good health, being friendly, having an optimistic outlook, exercising self-control, and possessing a deep sense of ethics.

The preservation of health is a duty. Few seem conscious that there is such a thing as physical morality." -- Herbert Spencer

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like and do what you'd druther not. -- Mark Twain

Cheerful people resist disease better than glum ones. In other words, the surly bird catches the germ. -- Hope Health Letter, 4/96

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

[<i>After a discussion about degrees of handshake separation from famous people.</i>] On the less pleasant side, this observation implies that we are only seven or eight handshakes away from the most repulsive or germ-infested human beings on the planet. Let's hope some of those intermediate shakers washed their hands before the chain reached us.

Brush Your Teeth

Brush your teeth at night if you want to keep your teeth. Brush your teeth in the morning if you want to keep your friends.