I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car--there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

TOP 10 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR DAD SAY 10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that. 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!! 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son? 5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. 1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh, don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)

Imagine standing out in the freezing cold for months on end, neither eating nor drinking, all for the sake of protecting your child. You are surrounded by other fathers in the same situation, with little room to even move. But move you do--in the most democratic fashion. Emperor Penguins--at 70 pounds, the largest of 18 species--are one of the most attentive fathers in the animal kingdom. Their involvement in the parenting process is one of total commitment. Each winter, these penguins gather in huge colonies on the pack ice of the Antarctic seas. After pairing, the female deposits a single egg and immediately returns to sea, where she can eat to replenish her energy. Meanwhile, her partner incubates the egg on his feet, where it is protected by a flap of skin and feathers. For the next 64 days he braves--in total darkness--one of the coldest periods of the year in one of the coldest climates of the world, where temperatures can plunge to -80° F. And all the while he fasts. To help cope with the cold, thousands of these birds move in close to each other, forming a large circle. Since the center of the group is much warmer, you would think that every penguin would fight to be there. But emperor etiquette dictates that no penguin advance himself at the expense of another. What looks like a stationary group is actually a slowly revolving spiral. This constant shifting formation allows each father--all the while protecting that single precious egg--some time in the cozy center, as well as at the frigid edge. By the time the chick hatches the seasonal ice has broken up, and the mother soon relieves her partner. Once he is fed and rested, the father rejoins his partner in caring for their newborn.

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own air fares ... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

Things a Jewish Mother would never say: "Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!" "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?" "Don't bother wearing a jacket--it's quite warm out." "Let me smell that shirt--yeah, it's good for another week." "I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity." "Yeah, I used to skip school, too." "Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house more cheery." "Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?" "Aw, just turn these undies inside out. No one will ever know." "I don't have a tissue with me--just use your sleeve." "Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me." "Of course you should walk to school and back. What's the big deal about having to cross a few main streets?" "My meeting won't be over till later tonight. You kids don't mind skipping dinner, do you?" "The sale ended yesterday? That's okay; I'll take it anyway.

The story is told of the minister who was helping a dying woman talk about her last wishes. "I want to be cremated," the woman said to her minister. "That's fine," said the minister. "And what do you wish done with the ashes?" "I want my ashes sprinkled on that big shopping center down the road?" The minister was surprised. "Why the shopping center?" "Because then for once my daughter will come and visit me once a week!" she barked.

In his book What's Good About This News? (Westminster John Knox Press), David Bartlett tells this story: "My wife and I have friends who have a wonderfully mixed family, mixed in part because one of their sons is their biological offspring and the other children are adopted. Not long ago they were explaining to the youngest child what it meant for him to be adopted — how he had been chosen, and waited for, and welcomed with joy. As part of the story they also had to explain that Mark, the brother, was their child biologically. When they had finished explaining what it meant to say that Tommy was adopted, he cried out: 'Oh, that's wonderful. Can't we adopt Mark too?' "Paul believes that God has adopted us all, Jew and Gentile, male and female, slave and free, in Jesus Christ. And Paul declares the wonder of that adoption." (Gal. 4:4-7)

According to a Nov. 12 story in The Washington Times, First lady Laura Bush recalls a visit with her husband to the home of his parents, the former president and Mrs. Bush. "George woke up at 6 a.m. as usual and went downstairs to get a cup of coffee," Mrs. Bush says. "And he sat down on the sofa with his parents and put his feet up. And all of a sudden, Barbara Bush yelled, 'Put your feet down!' "George's dad replied, 'For goodness' sake, Barbara, he's the president of the United States.' "And Barbara said, 'I don't care. I don't want his feet on my table.' " The president promptly did as he was told, for as Mrs. Bush observes: "Even presidents have to listen to their mothers."

World War II produced many heroes. One was Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to an aircraft carrier in the South Pacific. One day while on a mission, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. Unable to complete his mission, he turned around and headed back for the aircraft carrier. As he headed back, he saw a squadron of Japanese Zeroes heading straight for the American fleet. All the American fighters were out on a sortie, leaving the fleet virtually defenseless. He dove into the formation of Japanese planes in a desperate move to divert them away from the fleet. After a frightening air battle, the Japanese airplanes broke off their assault on the fleet. Butch O'Hare's tattered fighter limped back to the carrier. He was recognized as a hero and given one of the nation's highest military honors. O'Hare International Airport in Chicago is named after him. Some years earlier, there was a man in Chicago called Easy Eddie. In those days, Al Capone virtually owned the city. Capone's mob was involved in bootlegging booze, murder, and prostitution. Easy Eddie was Al Capone's lawyer and kept Big Al out of jail. In return, Easy Eddie earned big money and lived like a king on an estate so large it filled an entire city block. But Easy Eddie had one soft spot—a son whom he loved dearly. Eddie saw that his son had the best of everything: clothes, cars, and a good education. Despite Eddie's involvement with the mob, he tried to teach his son right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was. But there were two things Eddie could not give his son—a good name and a good example. Deciding that giving his son these two things was more important than lavishing him with riches, Eddie had to rectify the wrong he had done. He went to the authorities and told them the truth about Al Capone. Easy Eddie eventually testified in court against Al Capone and the mob. He knew the cost would be great, but he wanted to be an example to his son and leave him with a good name. Within a year of testifying against the Mob, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago street. He had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer at the greatest price he would ever pay. What do these stories have to do with one another? Butch O'Hare was Easy Eddie's son. Citation: Bruce Cecil, Coachella, California

In 1997, a rapidly moving blaze destroyed the Philadelphia home of Luz Cuevas. It was concluded that, tragically, the fire had killed and completely consumed her 10-day old infant daughter, Delimar. Amid the charred rubble of the family home, the small body was never found. The family grieved and slowly moved on with life. Six years later, Luz Cuevas was invited to a child's birthday party. There, a small dimple on the face of a six-year-old girl triggered an overwhelming instinct in Luz. She quietly told her sister, "Look. She's my daughter." The sister thought Luz was losing her mind, but the mother could not be convinced she was mistaken. Telling the little girl she had gum in her hair, Luz managed to take a few strands of hair from the child in hopes a DNA test would prove her instincts right. Subsequently, the Philadelphia police confirmed that the child was Delimar, Luz's lost daughter. Delimar had been kidnapped and raised by Carolyn Correa, who started the fire to cover the crime. After six years of "death," she returned home to be with her real family, very much alive. Just as this mother knows her daughter, so God knows us to an infinite degree.

Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up -- they’re looking for ideas.

My job as a parent is a temporary responsibility with eternal consequences.

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. -- Theodore M. Hesburgh

Look up "father" in the dictionary. It comes right after "fathead" and just before "fatigue."

When love is gone, there's always justice. And when justice is gone, there's always force. And when force is gone, there's always Mom. Hi, Mom! -- Laurie Anderson

The only reason I always try to meet and know the parents better is because it helps me forgive their children. -- Louis Johannot

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

If you wish to leave much wealth to your children, leave them in God’s care. Do not leave them riches, but virtue and skill. For if they learn to expect riches, they will not mind anything besides, and their abundant riches shall give them the means of screening the wickedness of their ways. -- John Chrysostom

Joel Lynn, manager of residence services at Mount Royal College, said nothing surprises him any more in the lengths parents will go to monitor their child's education, particularly of those living on campus. "We've had fathers slip their business cards to residence staff and say, 'if you need me for anything, give me a call,' parents who want to be part of the discipline process and parents demanding to know their kid's grades," he said. "The most bizarre was the Vancouver mother who moved into her daughter's room." In that case the mother, worried her daughter couldn't combat a cold alone, stayed a week. Staff forced the parent to leave when she began meddling in the daughter's roommates' affairs, telling the other three students when to go to bed, do their homework and to stop watching television. http://www.canada.com/calgary/calgaryherald/news/story.html?id=62467bde-e0ba-4dfd-93c9-9ea039844165

Parenting is a delicate long term exercise of learning how to set boundaries and penalties for disobedience, creating shared memories, practicing and delivering forgiveness, being available but not dominant, letting go and negotiating conflicts. The rest of the job comes naturally. By: Pete Hammond Source: Pete Hammond, journal, 1998

How fruitful are the seeming barren places of Scripture. Wheresoever the surface of God's Word doth not laugh and sing with corn, there the heart thereof within is merry with mines, affording, where not plain matter, hidden mysteries. Lord, I find the genealogy of my Saviour strangely chequered with four remarkable changes (Matt. 1:7,8) in four immediate generations. 1. Roboam begat Abia; that is, a bad father begat a bad son. 2. Abia begat Asa; that is, a bad father, a good son. 3. Asa begat Josophat; that is, a good father, a good son. 4. Josaphat begat Joram; that is, a good father, a bad son. I see, Lord, from hence, that my father's piety cannot be entailed; that is bad news for me. But I see also that actual impiety is not always hereditary; that is good news for my son.