THEME SONGS FOR BIBLE CHARACTERS Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise" Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" Esther: "I Feel Pretty" Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" Moses: "The Wanderer" Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp" Samson: "Hair" Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night" Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" Joshua: "Good Vibrations" Peter: "I'm Sorry" Esau: "Born To Be Wild" Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It" Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star" Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale" Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away" Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

Genesis 30.18: Leah interprets the birth of Issachar as God rewarding her for giving her servant to be Jacob's wife. This is a great example of basing theology on poorly-understood experience.

This is great literature and great religious literature, this collection of ancient writings we call the Bible, and any translator has a deep sense of responsibility as he undertakes to transmit it to modern readers. He desires his transcript to be faithful to the meaning of the original, so far as he can reach that meaning, and also to do some justice to its literary qualities. But he is well aware that his aim often exceeds his grasp. Translation may be a fascinating task, yet no discipline is more humbling. You may be translating oracles, but soon you learn the risk and folly of posing as an oracle yourself. If your readers are dissatisfied at any point, they may be sure that the translator is still more dissatisfied, if not there, then elsewhere -- all the more so, because, in the nature of the case, he has always to appear dogmatic in print.

We are to believe and follow Christ in all things, including his words about Scripture. And this means that Scripture is to be for us what it was to him: the unique, authoritative, and inerrant Word of God, and not merely a human testimony to Christ, however carefully guided and preserved by God. If the Bible is less than this to us, we are not fully Christ's disciples.

In holy Scripture is fully contained what we ought to do, and what to eschew; what to believe, what to love, and what to look for at God's hands at length. In these Books we shall find the father from whom, the son by whom, and the holy Ghost in whom all things have their being and keeping up, and these three persons to be but one God, and one substance. Read [Holy Scripture] humbly with a meek and lowly heart, to the intent you may glorify God, and not your self, with the knowledge of it: and read it not without daily praying to God, that he would direct your reading to good effect: and take upon you to expound it no further than you can plainly understand it. For (as Saint Augustine says) the knowledge of holy Scripture is a great, large, and a high place, but the door is very low, so that the high & arrogant man cannot run in: but he must stoop low, and humble himself, that shall enter into it... The humble man may search any truth boldly in the Scripture, without any danger of error. Scripture in some places is easy, and in some places hard to be understood. This have I said, as touching the fear to read, through ignorance of the person. And concerning the hardness of Scripture, he that is so weak that he is not able to [eat] strong meat, yet he may suck the sweet and tender milk, and defer the rest, until he wax stronger, and come to more knowledge. For God receives the learned and unlearned, and casts away none, but [does not discriminate]. And the Scripture is full as well of low valleys, plain ways, and easy for every man to use, and to walk in: as also of high hills & mountains, which few men can climb unto.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.

The story of the Bible Creation: there's a good Creator who makes the whole universe and the people who live in it Crisis: humans reject God Calling: God reaches out to Abraham (blessed to be a blessing) Communication: the bulk of the Bible is written as Abraham's descendants relate to God Christ: Jesus shows up on the scene to reconcile people to God Cross: Jesus dies to actuate the reconciliation Church: communities of people trying to follow Jesus Consummation: history ends (Brian gave the outline, I paraphrased the : points)

BIBLICAL ONE-LINERS Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married? A. Ruthless Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds. Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord. Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing. Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep. Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun.

God made Adam out of dust, But thought it best to make me first; So I was made before the man According to the Lord's Holy Plan. My whole body God made complete, Without arms or hands or feet. My ways and acts did the Lord control, But in my body He placed no soul. A living being I became, And Adam gave to me a name. Then from his presence I withdrew, For this man Adam I never knew. All my maker's laws I do obey, And from these laws I never stray. Thousand's of me go in fear, But seldom on the earth appear. Later, for a purpose the Lord did see, He placed a living soul in me. But that soul of mine the Lord had to claim, And from me took it back again. And when this soul from me had fled, I was the same as when first made; Without arms, legs, feet, or soul, I travel on from pole to pole. My labors are from day to night, And to men I once furnished light. Thousands of people, both young and old, Did by my death bright lights behold. No right nor wrong can I conceive, The bible and it's teachings I can't believe. The fear of death does not trouble me, Pure happiness I will never see. Up in Heaven I can never go, Nor in the grave or Hell below. So get your Bible and read with care, You'll find my name recorded there. The answer is one word, five letters long, and appears only four times in the King James Version of the Bible. http://www.MikeysFunnies.com/riddle.html for answer

The present tax code is about 10 times longer than the Bible, a lot more complicated, and, unlike the Bible, contains no good news.

The Bible is divided into 1,189 chapters with 31,173 total verses.

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly a dried leaf fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and called: "Mom! Dad! I just found Adam's underwear!"

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?" One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda..."The Apostles were in one Accord."

When a comparison is made of the variant readings of the New Testament with those of other books which have survived from antiquity, the results are little short of astounding. For instance, although there are some 200,000 "errors" among the New Testament manuscripts, these appear in only about 10,000 places, and only about one-sixtieth rise above the level of trivialities. Westcott and Hort, Ezra Abbot, Philip Schaff, and A. T. Robertson have carefully evaluated the evidence and have concluded that the New Testament text is over 99 percent pure. In the light of the fact that there are over 5,000 Greek manuscripts, some 9,000 versions and translations, the evidence for the integrity of the New Testament is beyond question.

The Bible is like a telescope. If a man looks through his telescope, then he sees worlds beyond; but if he looks at his telescope, then he does not see anything but that. The Bible is a thing to be looked through, to see that which is beyond.

If an alien from outer space were teleported to the United States, given a copy of the Christian Scriptures, and asked to assess the sanity of our faith’s adherents, he would no doubt conclude that American Christians are a rather schizophrenic lot. Walking into one of our evangelical churches, he would probably observe men, some of them long-haired, greeting women, many of them short-haired and almost none of them wearing any kind of head covering, with both men and women stubbornly refusing to kiss each other (in a “holy” manner, of course) at all! In Gen-X churches, at least, our intrepid extraterrestrial would be astonished to see young men and women in their 20’s and 30’s failing to rise in the presence of any elders entering their worship service. Our stupefied spaceman would be baffled to discover Pentecostals dancing within the church walls but not outside of them, Presbyterians dancing outside the church walls but not within them, and Southern Baptists not dancing anywhere! Further, all of these bodies would rarely, if ever, be seen using tambourines and cymbals (unless, of course, the cymbals were part of drum set). And even if certain members of these churches might be found to occasionally take wine for medicinal reasons, probably none of them, to the utter confusion of our befuddled bystander, would even think of administering beer to the poor, downtrodden, and dying of their congregations. In the end, our marveling Martian would probably throw up his hands in resignation and blast away in a trail of stardust, desperately seeking a group of people who actually do what their Holy Book tells them to do. Our friendly foreigner, of course, has just dealt firsthand with the challenges of cultural hermeneutics and contemporary application. He seems to have assumed (quite naturally) that any command found in the Christian Scriptures would be binding upon Christians of all times, and that cultural differences would have little effect upon the application of an ancient text to a modern setting. Although most of us would probably claim to be at least somewhat more hermeneutically savvy than our vexed visitor, no doubt all of us could identify with the frustration of trying to understand why ancient commands may sometimes be applied differently in our modern context—or sometimes not at all.

Bob Morey, who has an apologetics ministry in Southern California, was once asked by an aggressive atheist to prove the Bible's truthfulness. Bob responded, "You prove the Bible to me every time you open your mouth." Shocked, she asked how this could be true. He asked her, "Do you fear God?" She answered, "No." "Well," he said, "you just proved that Romans 3:18 is true. 'There is no fear of God before their eyes.'" He proceeded, "Is the gospel foolishness to you?" "Yes!" He explained, "Well, you just proved 1 Corinthians 1:18. 'The message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing.'" He continued, "Do you want your own way instead of living according to God's way?" She retorted, "I don't want God's way—I'll do as I please!" He responded, "Well, you just proved Isaiah 53:6. 'Each of us has turned to his own way.' Every time you open your mouth you confirm the Bible by saying what it said you would say. Thank you for making me a stronger Christian." Even unbelief confirms the truth of what we believe! Citation:

Many writers have critically examined the gospels to show that no proof exists for the facts they relate about the life of Christ, even strongly suggesting that He may never have existed. Archbishop Whateley wrote a little work, Historic Doubts Relative to the Existence of Napoleon Bonaparte, in which he shows that the actual history of this notorious personage really consisted of a number of improbable incidents. In fact, because so much suspicion attaches to the events recorded of Napoleon, the Archbishop hints, it is likely that he never lived. For some skeptics this humorous refutation of their position might yield a much greater impact than all the standard arguments presented in most logical fashion. Someone has said, “In its proper place nonsense may be sense.”

An American engineer working on a Pacific island met a native near a boiling pot, and to the American’s surprise the native was reading a Bible. “Back in America, we gave that Book up long ago. Few people really believe it now.” Replied the native, “It’s a good thing the Bible reached here before you did, for if it hadn’t, you would be boiling in that big pot right now!”

Unfortunately, many people assume the Bible is an unreliable document. The truth is that of all ancient literature the New Testament is the most well-authenticated document, with an overwhelming amount of evidence supporting its reliability. There are more New Testament manuscripts, copied with greater accuracy, at earlier dates than from any secular classic from antiquity such as Herodotus, Plato, or Aristotle. Some charge that there are grievous errors in the Bible. Actually, scholars who have examined the thousands of manuscript copies discovered 150,000 "textual variants." These variants are slight, involving a missing letter in a word. For example, note the variants in the following: Youha*ejus#wonamilliondol^ars. My guess is that you would not have any problem making out this message in spite of the variants. In more than 99 percent of the cases of textual variants in the New Testament, the original text can be reconstructed to a practical certainty. In October 2003, Odyssey Marine Exploration recovered a ship's bell off the coast of Georgia. They believe it is from the ship called the TENNESSEE, which sank back in 1865 with a cargo of up to $180 million in gold. They aren't absolutely certain because the bell's inscription is partially obscured. Only the letters "SSEE" are visible. The rest of the inscription won't be legible until it's cleaned. With $180 million at stake, do you think they will allow this fragment of a word to hinder their search? Citation: Van Morris, Mt. Washington, Kentucky; source: "Salvaged Bell May Be Key to Riches," USA TODAY (10-15-03);

The Bible -- Know it -- in your head; Stow it -- in your heart; Sow it -- in the world; Show it -- in your life.

The Bible is a stream of running water, where alike the elephant may swim, and the lamb walk without losing its feet.

While translating the New Testament I discovered its truth to be pulsing with life and power. I felt like an electrician, working with wiring while the power was still on. -- J. B. Phillips

Martin Luther revised his Bible translation 90 times in his lifetime. It has been revised every 50 years since until 1912 when we called it the `received version.' By: Rev. Craig Barnes Source: Rev. Craig Barnes, Sermon 1991

Here's the rule: Colossians 2.21 Here's the rationale: 1 Corinthians 11.22a Here's the only exception: Ezekiel 4.12,15 But here's the consequence: Proverbs 23.8a Colossians 2.21 (NIV) "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!" 1 Cor 11.22a (NIV) "Don’t you have homes to eat and drink in?" Ezekiel 4.12 (NIV) "Eat the food as you would a barley cake; bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel." Ezekiel 4.15 (NIV) "'Very well,' he said, 'I will let you bake your bread over cow manure instead of human excrement.'" Proverbs 23.8a (NIV) "You will vomit up the little you have eaten...

<img src="http://glenandpaula.com/quotes/uploads/1113246996bible is fiction - from a hotel in san francisco.jpg" width="500" height="375" />

The Anvil Last eve I passed beside a blacksmith's door And heard the anvil ring the vesper chime: Then looking in, I saw upon the floor Old hammers, worn with beating years of time. "How many anvils have you had," said I, "To wear and batter all these hammers so?" "Just one," said he, and then, with twinkling eye, "The anvil wears the hammers out, you know." And so, thought I, the anvil of God's word, For ages skeptic blows have beat upon; Yet though the noise of falling blows was heard, The anvil is unharmed . . . the hammer's gone.

paraphrased: when trying to apply the Bible look for two factors: the God factor and the depravity factor. What's the angle on God communicated in this passage and what's the human response that distorts it? That's where you can see cross-cultural applications.

How fruitful are the seeming barren places of Scripture. Wheresoever the surface of God's Word doth not laugh and sing with corn, there the heart thereof within is merry with mines, affording, where not plain matter, hidden mysteries. Lord, I find the genealogy of my Saviour strangely chequered with four remarkable changes (Matt. 1:7,8) in four immediate generations. 1. Roboam begat Abia; that is, a bad father begat a bad son. 2. Abia begat Asa; that is, a bad father, a good son. 3. Asa begat Josophat; that is, a good father, a good son. 4. Josaphat begat Joram; that is, a good father, a bad son. I see, Lord, from hence, that my father's piety cannot be entailed; that is bad news for me. But I see also that actual impiety is not always hereditary; that is good news for my son.

In the new book Preaching God's Word (Zondervan), the authors (Terry Carter, J. Scott Duvall and J. Daniel Hays) write, "I had a conversation once with a former navy diver about diving deep, really deep. He told me that he had been in situations so deep and dark that it was almost impossible to keep from becoming disoriented and confused. What a terrifying feeling -- being under water, unable to see your hands in front of your face, not knowing which way is up, panic engulfing you. I immediately interrupted my friend, 'So what did you do?' . . . "Feel the bubbles," he said. . . . When it's pitch black and you have no idea which way to go, you reach up with your hand and feel the bubbles. The bubbles always drift to the surface. When you can't trust your feelings or judgment, you can always trust the bubbles to get you back to the top.' "Apart from the experience of scuba diving, we need a way to determine what is real and true. Sometimes in life we get disoriented and desperate. At other times, we find ourselves drifting aimlessly. God knew that we would need advice and instructions about how to live. In the sixty-six books of the Bible we have a reality library -- stories, letters, guidelines, and examples from God that tell us what is true and real. In a world that is changing faster than we can imagine, we have something stable, true, and real. . . . "People who gather faithfully to hear a sermon need something more than noise generated by the surrounding culture; they need a word from God."

[Scripture, tradition and reason are] "not like three different bookshelves, each of which can be ransacked for answers to key questions. Rather, scripture is the bookshelf; tradition is the memory of what people in the house have read and understood…from that shelf; and reason is the set of spectacles that people wear in order to make sense of what they read..."

The New Testament books from shortest to longest: 3 John, 2 John, Philemon, Jude, Titus, 2 Thessalonians, Revelation, 2 Peter, 2 Timothy, 1 Thessalonians, Colossians, 1 Timothy, Philippians, 1 Peter, James, 1 John, Galatians, Ephesians, 2 Corinthians, Hebrews, 1 Corinthians, Romans, Mark, John, Matthew, Acts, Luke

Jesus Relied On The Old Testament

Jesus Christ himself provides a most arresting example in this respect. At the very threshold of his public ministry, our Lord, in his dramatic victory over Satan’s threefold onslaught, rested his whole defense on the authority of three passages of Scripture. He quoted the Old Testament in support of his teaching to the crowds; he quoted it in his discussions with antagonistic Jews; he quoted it in answer to questions both captious and sincere; he quoted it in instructing the disciples who would have readily accepted his teaching on his own authority; he referred to it in his prayers, when alone in the presence of the Father; he quoted it on the cross, when his sufferings could easily have drawn his attention elsewhere; he quoted it in his resurrection glory, when any limitation, real or alleged, of the days of his flesh was clearly superseded. Whatever may be the differences between the pictures of Jesus drawn by the four Gospels, they certainly agree in their representation of our Lord’s attitude toward the Old Testament: one of constant use and of unquestioning endorsement of its authority.

Stylistic Variance Does Not Establish Multiple Authors

[The argument goes that because there are marked contrasts in style within the book of Isaiah, there must be multiple authors who each contributed different sections of the book.] ...such differences as there are may be easily accounted for by the change in situation which confronted Isaiah in his later years, and also by the maturing of his literary genius. Numerous parallels to this may be pointed out in the history of world literature. Thus in the case of John Milton, we find far more striking disssimilarities between <i>Paradise Lost</i>, which he composed in later years, and the style of <i>L'Allegro</i> or <i>Il Penseroso</i>, which appeared in his earlier period. A similar contrast is observable between his prose works such as <i>Christian Doctrine</i> and <i>Aeropagitica</i>. Or, to take an example from German literature, Goethe's <i>Faust Part II</i> presents striking contrasts in concept, style, and approach as over against <i>Faust Part I</i>. These contrasts are far more obvious than those between Isaiah I and Isaiah II. In his <i>Dictionary of the Bible</i> (p. 339a), Davis points out that in the twenty-five years of Shakespeare's activity, four distinct periods can be distinguished in his dramatic productions, each period being marked by clear differences in style.

No Final Conflict

When we come to a problem, we should take time as educated people to reconsider both the special and general revelations; that is, we should take time to think through the question. There is a tendency among many today to consider that the scientific truth will always be more true. This we must reject. We must take ample time, and sometimes this will mean a long time, to consider whether the apparent clash between science and revelation means that the theory set forth by science is wrong or whether we must reconsider what we thought the Bible says.