"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?"

I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall I'll never see a tree at all.

The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.

Come to think of it, toilet paper is multi-media.

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

TROJAN HORSE WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY! The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It has, in the past, shown up outside of the city gates and appears to be abandoned but left behind as an "offer of peace." DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach. FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERY TROJAN YOU KNOW!

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

A businessman bought a computer and soon discovered that he was spending all his time playing computer games. He got upset and called a computer expert to come configure his computer so that he couldn't play games on it. The next day he walks into his office and finds his 9 year old daughter playing a computer game. In a rage he calls the computer expert and starts to tell him off. The expert goes: "Hold on a second, you just said to make it so you couldn't play games--you didn't say nothing about no 9 year old!"

Top 10 Tech-Influenced Action/Adventure TV Shows 1. Modem, She Wrote: Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won't ever connect at 56k. 2. Micro-CHiPs: Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway. 3. Carly's Angels: Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team of three vixen market analysts on how to prop up HP's sagging stock price. 4. Hawaii 6.0: An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online. 5. T. J. Hacker: A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show. 6. The Excel Files: Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there. 7. The AOL-Team: Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. T unite to promote corporate mergers and make the world safe for capitalism. 8. Magnum, PC: This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii. Season finale cliff-hanger: Will Deep Blue be seduced by the wily charms of the Texas Instruments Speak 'n' Spell? 9. The Incredible Bulk: The exciting adventures of Windows, which just keeps growing and growing. 10. Buffy the Virus Slayer: Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files--no small feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots.

In a large Florida City, a pastor developed quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone in the community came every Sunday. Unfortunately, one weekend one of the church members had to miss church but he didn't want to miss the pastor's sermon. So he hired a techie to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. Other congregants saw what was going on and they also decided to hire techies to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to church. Within a few weeks there were 500 techies sitting in church taping the pastor. The pastor got wise to this. The following Sunday he, too, hired a techie to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 techies in the pews who dutifully recorded his words on their machines. And so, boys and girls, this was the beginning of a whole new movement in the church called - are you ready for this? - artificial insermonation.

For new technology to replace old, it has to have at least ten times the benefit. -- Peter Drucker

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. -- Dave Barry