I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

If you go to heaven, it's God's fault. If you go to hell, it's your fault. This is the Biblical picture, and if we go beyond we are wrong.

A rabbi asked G-d about heaven and hell. "I will show you hell," G-d said, and he took the rabbi into a room with a large pot of stew in the middle. The smell was delicious, but around the pot sat people who were famished and desperate. All were holding spoons with very long handles which reached to the pot, but, because the handles were longer than their arms, it was impossible to get the stew back into their mouths. "Now I will show you heaven," G-d said, and they went into an identical room with an identical pot of stew and people with identical spoons, but they were all well-nourished and happy. "It's simple," G-d said. "They like to feed one another."

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." Now it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff???" "Results," shrugged Saint Pete. "While you preached, people slept; when he drove, people prayed."

Thinking of the fullness and duration of this wonderful life, W. B. Hinson, a great preacher of a past generation, spoke from his own experience just before he died. He said, "I remember a year ago when a doctor told me, 'You have an illness from which you won't recover.' I walked out to where I live 5 miles from Portland, Oregon, and I looked across at that mountain that I love. I looked at the river in which I rejoice, and I looked at the stately trees that are always God's own poetry to my soul. Then in the evening I looked up into the great sky where God was lighting His lamps, and I said, ' I may not see you many more times, but Mountain, I shall be alive when you are gone; and River, I shall be alive when you cease running toward the sea; and Stars, I shall be alive when you have fallen from your sockets in the great down pulling of the material universe!'"

Every time you make a choice, you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And, taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a Heaven creature or into a hellish creature -- either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow creatures and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is Heaven: that is, it is joy, and peace, and knowledge, and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other.

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed" and "aahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "This is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day; and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is Heaven! You play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter explained, "That's the best part--you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!" With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

On their way to get married, a couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . . .. .for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what! with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a preacher up here who wants to take a chance on marring someone for eternity! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

A Safe Place To Stand In the days of the westward expansion in north America, when men saw that a prairie fire was coming, what would they do? There was no way for them to outrun it guess the safe route out. The pioneers took a match, burned the grass in a designated area around them, and then they would take their stand in the burned area and be safe from the threatening prairie fire. As the roar of the flames approached, they would not be afraid. Even as the ocean of fire surged around them there was no fear, because fire had already passed over the place where they stood. Jesus said, "I have come to bring fire upon the earth, and how I wish it were already kindled! But I have a baptism to undergo..." There is no escaping the judgment and division (fire) that has come since Jesus' sufferings on the cross (baptism). There is only one safe place to stand and that is where the match of God's judgment has been struck: The foot of the cross.

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'" Good luck, Jimmy. It's a plan, but it's not God's plan. And that's the problem--most people have a plan for getting into heaven, but they don't really understand God's plan of salvation by grace through faith.

Parable of the Twins Once upon a time, twin boys were conceived in their mother's womb. Weeks passed and the twins developed. As their awareness grew, they laughed for joy: "Isn't it great that we were conceived? Isn't it great to be alive?" Together the twins explored their world. When they discovered the umblical cord and realized that it passed life to them from their mother, they sang for joy. "How great is our mother's love, that she shares her own life with us." As weeks stretched into months, the twins began to notice that they were changing rapidly. "What does it mean?" asked one twin. "It means that our stay in this world is drawing to an end," said the other. "But I don't want to go. I want to stay here always." "We don't have a choice, and who knows--maybe there is life after birth!" "But how can that be? We will shed our life-cord, and how is life possible without it? Besides, no one has ever returned to the womb to tell us there is life after birth. No, this is the end." And so the one twin fell into despair. "If conception ends at birth, what is the purpose of life in the womb? It is meaningless. Maybe there is no mother at all!" "But there has to be," protested the other. "How else did we get here? How do we remain alive?" "Has either of us actually seen our mother? Maybe she lives in our minds. Maybe we made her up because we felt better believing in her." And so the last days in the womb arrived with deep questioning and fear. Finally, the moment of their birth arrived. And when the twins passed from their world, they opened their eyes. And the cried, because it was so beautiful.

SALVATION MEANS DISCIPLESHIP, NOT FORMULAS In the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," as King Arthur and his knights seek the Holy Grail, they come to a bridge that spans an abyss of eternal peril. A bridge keeper allows people to cross this bridge only if they can answer three questions. Get one wrong, and you're tossed into the pit. Lancelot is the first tested. The keeper asks him, "What is your name?" Lancelot answers. "What is your quest?" Lancelot answers, "To seek the Holy Grail." "What is your favorite color?" "Blue." "Right," says the bridge keeper, "off you go." Lancelot crosses the bridge, amazed this was so easy. The second knight similarly states his name and quest. But the third question is now, "What is the capital of Assyria?" "I don't know that." The knight is hurled, screaming, into the abyss. The third knight, Sir Galahad, is nervous as he's asked his name and quest, but he answers correctly. "What is your favorite color?" Sir Galahad panics. "Blue...no, yellow--Aaaaahhhh," he screams as he is hurled into the pit. Finally, the king steps up. "What is your name?" "Arthur, King of the Britains." "What is your quest?" "To seek the Holy Grail." "What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" "What do you mean," asks Arthur, "an African or European swallow?" "What? I don't know that," answers the bridge keeper, who immediately is launched into the abyss. Arthur and his followers thereafter cross the bridge unhindered. Many people's idea of the gospel is that some day we'll get to the bridge to paradise and be asked, "Why should you be allowed to cross?" As long as we answer correctly, we make it across. Answer wrongly, and we're cast into the abyss. The gospel is redefined to be the announcement of the minimal entrance requirements for getting into heaven.... Jesus never said, "Now I'm going to tell you what you need to say to get into heaven when you die." Jesus' good news is we no longer have to live in the guilt, failure, and impotence of our own strength. The transforming presence and power of God is available through Christ right here, right now. To live in that power, you must become his disciple.

There will be no women in heaven for the Bible says, “There was silence in heaven for the space of a half hour.”

Every time there's a successful mission to Mars or another planet, I think about all the workers at NASA assigned to the project. For years they built and labored, then they launched the vehicle. Then they waited months while it sailed through the inky blackness of space. Finally the moment of truth appears--the vehicle must land. Can you imagine being one of those technicians? For years you have worked on something, preparing for an opportunity, and now it will either come to pass or explode in a fireball. And there's no way to know until it does. We're like those techicians. We live with faith and hope, and we wait for a day we cannot see--the Day of the Lord.

Commemoration of Charles Williams, Spiritual Writer, 1945 It may be possible for each of us to think too much of his own potential glory hereafter; it is hardly possible for him to think too often or too deeply about that of his neighbour. The load, or weight, or burden, of my neighbour's glory should be laid daily on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken. It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you may talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and corruption such as you now meet if at all only in a nightmare. All day long we are in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in light of these overwhelming possibilities it is with awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never met a mere mortal, Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations, these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit -- immortal horrors or ever lasting splendours.

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out, and your dog would go in.

Man transforms himself into the things he loves. When the time arrives for his sun to set, he has become that which, during the course of his life, he has, consciously or unconsciously, chosen to be."

I am an optimistic fatalist. This world and all its beginnings will pass on into something better.

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

I came across a book [To Hell and Back] written by a cardiologist at the University of Tennessee that corroborates an important aspect of the biblical message. In the course of their emergency room work, Dr. Maurice Rawlings and his colleagues interviewed more than 300 people who claimed near-death experiences. What made Rawlings' study distinct is that the interviews were not conducted months or years later but immediately after the experiences had allegedly occurred—while the patients were still too shaken up in the immediacy of the moment to gloss over or to re-imagine what they had experienced. Nearly 50 percent of them reported encountering images of fire, of tormented and tormenting creatures, and other sights hailing from a place very different from heaven. In follow-up interviews much later many of these same people had changed their stories, apparently unwilling to admit to their families, maybe even to themselves, that they had caught a glimpse of something like what the Bible calls hell. Dr. Rawlings concludes, "Just listening to these patients has changed my life. There is a life after death, and if I don't know where I'm going, it is not safe to die." Citation: Daniel Meyer, "The Light at the End of the Tunnel," Preaching Today No. 238

Jan 10, 2005 10:43 PM EST Preacher dies during sermon about heaven OVIEDO, Fla. (AP) -- A Presbyterian minister collapsed and died in mid-sentence of a sermon after saying "And when I go to heaven ...," his colleague said Monday. The Rev. Jack Arnold, 69, was nearing the end of his sermon Sunday at Covenant Presbyterian Church in this Orlando suburb when he grabbed the podium before falling to the floor, said the Rev. Michael S. Beates, associate pastor at Covenant Presbyterian. Before collapsing, Arnold quoted the 18th century Bible scholar, John Wesley, who said, "Until my work on this earth is done, I am immortal. But when my work for Christ is done ... I go to be with Jesus," Beates said in a telephone interview. Several members of the congregation with medical backgrounds tried to revive the minister and paramedics were called, but Arnold appeared to die instantly, Beates said. Arnold had been the senior minister at the church until the late 1990s when he began traveling to Africa and the Middle East to teach pastors. The cause of death was believed to be cardiac arrest. He had bypass surgery five years earlier. Beates also recounted Arnold's death in an e-mail he sent to members of the Central Florida Presbytery. "We were stunned," Beates said. "It was traumatic, but how wonderful it was he died in his own church among the people he loved the most." © 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. Learn more about our Privacy Policy.

The difference between heaven and hell is simple. Heaven is where people go who say to God, "Thy will be done." Hell is where people go to whom God says, "Thy will be done." In other words, the afterlife is where you get what you want most.

Some Christians live as if God's only concern is to get them to heaven. God's ultimate plan is not for you to get to heaven - his plan is to bring heaven to earth. "I saw heaven opened up and a city descending to earth." {paraphrased}

Our Choices Matter

I do not know what befell Mother Theresa of Calcutta when she died, nor what has become of Joseph Stalin. But the same thing cannot have come upon both. If there is any moral rhyme or reason in the universe, all human beings cannot be equally well off as soon as they breathe their last and wake again.

Heavenly Marriage

It’s not that there will be no marriage in heaven. It’s that there will be *one* marriage in heaven.