More medical humor THE NEW ABRIDGED MEDICAL DICTIONARY (Source: Edmonton Journal, Friday Aug 4, 1995) BARIUM: What doctors do when patients die. COLIC: A sheep dog. D&C: Where Bill Clinton lives. DILATE: To live longer. FESTER: Quicker. HANGNAIL: Coat hook. IMPOTENT: Distinguished, well known. LABOR PAIN: Get hurt at work. MEDICAL STAFF: A doctor's cane. MORBID: A higher offer. NITRATES: Cheaper than day rates. NODE: Was aware of. OUTPATIENT: A patient who fainted. PAP SMEAR: A fatherhood test. PELVIS: Cousin to Elvis. RECOVERY ROOM: A place to do upholstery. RECTUM: Dang near killed 'em. TERMINAL ILLNESS: Getting sick at the airport. TERMINAL ILLNESS: Getting sick at your computer. TUMOR: More than one. URINE: Opposite of "You're out".

“Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?” ”Use a pencil ‘till I get there” “Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this.” “OK, don’t do that anymore!” “Doctor, Doctor I've broke my arm in two places “ ”Well don't go back to those places!” “Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee” ”Have you tried taking the spoon out of you mug?” “Doctor, doctor, I touch my head and it hurts. I touch my chest and it hurts. I touch my leg and it hurts. Everywhere I touch it hurts—what’s wrong with me?” “You have a broken finger.”

One day an intelligent middle-aged woman came in for an examination. Doc discovered a fibroid tumor and insisted on an operation. But she was disturbed by the risk of such an operation; she had apparently investigated, and was well informed about the mortality rate. Doc assured her that she would come through all right. How can you be so positive?" she exclaimed. "I am told that 14 percent die undergoing such operations." Doc replied firmly, without a quiver, "My dear lady, the reason I am so positive is that my 14 percent have already died. - Jos. A. Jerger, MD in Readers Digest, March, 1939

Redneck medical terms Artery......................The study of paintings. Benign......................What you be after you be eight. Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria. Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty. Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her. Coma........................A punctuation mark. Enema.......................Not a friend. Secretion...................Hiding something Seizure.....................Roman emperor. Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport. Varicose....................Near by

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the older doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out of the office, screaming as she ran down the hall. A new doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room, then marched down a back hallway to where the older doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you just told her she was pregnant? The older doctor continued to write on his clipboard as he responded without looking up, "Does she still have the hiccups?"