SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car--there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

The blind date After being with her all evening, the man couldn't stand another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather has just died." "Thank God," his date said. "If yours hadn't, mine would've had to."

TOP 10 LINES CHRISTIAN WOMEN USE TO BREAK-UP 10. "I'm sorry, I've found someone more spiritual." 9. "I'm sorry, it's just not God's will." 8. "I feel called to the ministry...very soon and very far from you as soon as possible." 7. "I'm sorry, it could never work. I'm a sanguine and you're a phlegmatic." 6. "God loves me and must have a better plan for my life." 5. "You know, I feel like I'm dating my brother." 4. "At least I got a lot out of our Bible studies together." 3. "You need someone with lower standards." 2. "I think we should just be prayer partners." 1. "I do love you, but it's just agape now."

TOP TEN CHRISTIAN PICK-UP LINES 10. "I just don't feel called to celibacy." 9. "Did I tell you that my great-uncle was a personal friend of Billy Graham?" 8. "I don't see it myself, but people tell me I look like Michael W. Smith." 7. "What do you think Paul meant when he said, 'Greet everyone with a holy kiss'?" 6. "You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa." (DO NOT get this confused!) 5. "You know, I'm really into relationship evangelism." 4. "I'm pretty flexible--I don't think a woman should be submissive on the first date." 3. "Before tonight, I never believed in predestination..." 2. "Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical." 1. "I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight."

Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out with five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the place to find men. On the first floor the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" so up they went. The second floor said, "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking." "Hmmm," said the girls. "But I wonder what's further up?" The third floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, are extremely good-looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" said the women. "Very tempting, BUT there's more further up!" and up they went. Fourth floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy! But just think what must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went. The sign on that floor said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please."

Pray Together, Stay Together? Want a marriage that lasts? Dust off your hymnal. A 15-year study found that couples who went to church once a month were less than half as likely to divorce than non-churchgoers. In the study, 37 percent of those who rarely attended church divorced, while only 14 percent of regular churchgoers parted company. Researchers James P. Swyers and David B. Larson of the International Center for the Integration of Health & Spirituality found faith had "a strong, beneficial influence on the stability and quality of marriages. Spouses who attend church regularly have the lowest risk of divorce." But if one attends church much more than the other, the marriage is less likely to endure. Swyers and Larson say churchgoers solve problems more constructively than church-skippers who are more prone to verbal aggression and stonewalling. And it doesn't hurt that religious couples see their marriage "as having sacred, spiritual significance." Whether they were of the same denomination didn't seem to matter. Prayer played a big role: 53 percent of those who prayed about conflicts reported good marital adjustment, compared with 17 percent who didn't seek divine help. So to shore up your marriage, you may have to cancel Sunday brunch!

Hook Ups On Campus: Perhaps the name communicates how non personal and fleeting these relationships are in the minds of most students. The term has been common for over a decade, but only recently has research confirmed the prevalence of the behavior on campus. In 2000 Elizabeth Paul published the first academic look at the ritual of the college hook up. Her research is startling. In a survey of 555 undergrads, she found that 78% had "hooked up" - a term defined as a one time sexual encounter the could range from making out to intercourse, in which the two partners had no plans to pursue a relationship - or perhaps even talk again. 77.7% of women and 84.2% of the men reported having hooked up. Of those 60% said that their hook up included more "genital touching" than "meaningful conversation." The vast majority involve alcohol. A "good hook up" is defined as one about which no one finds out or talks about later. Some researchers feel that this generation may learn a lot about sex in college, but come away with very little knowledge of how to build a meaningful relationship. (MSNBC.com October 4, 2004)

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God gave Adam a job before he gave him a woman. Remember that, ladies. And if he's in college, remember that if he's too lazy to go to class he's going to be too lazy to work hard. {paraphrased}

Soulmates

Soulmates are forged not found.