TROJAN HORSE WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY! The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It has, in the past, shown up outside of the city gates and appears to be abandoned but left behind as an "offer of peace." DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach. FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERY TROJAN YOU KNOW!

WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE! Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet! WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their In Box or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, E-Mail viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes [perhaps conspiracy theories should be included here]. "These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet. "My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous." Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxes Anonymous meeting and stated, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says. Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following: * the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking * the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others * a lack of desire to take 3 minutes to check to see if a story is true T.C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T.C. said he would stop reading e-mail, so that he would not become infected. Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community. Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including * Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at <http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html> * Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at <http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html> * McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at <http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html> * Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at <http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html> * The Urban Legends Web Site at <http://www.urbanlegends.com> * Urban Legends Reference Pages at <http://www.snopes.com> * Datafellows Hoax Warnings at <http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm> Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as * Evaluating Internet Research Sources at <http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm> * Evaluation of Information Sources at <http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm> * Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at <http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM> Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stampout the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax. Forward this message to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points!!! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.

Dear Cecil: I've heard from all sorts of places that it takes 43 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile (the numbers vary), but I can tell you from experience that spending half an hour grinning is a lot more tiring than half an hour of not smiling, which is pretty much the same as frowning. Is the whole idea bogus? --Ella, via the Internet Cecil replies: I've been hearing this for years. Supposedly it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown; ergo, you should smile. Happiness, it seems, is the lazy person's emotion. Time to put this platitude to rest. I arrived at the following detailed accounting of the relevant muscles with the aid of David H. Song, MD, FACS, plastic surgeon and assistant professor at the University of Chicago Hospitals. Song, among other things, reconstructs faces--in short, he ought to know. My apologies if this list seems obsessive, but we're going to settle this once and for all. Caveat: Deciding which of the 53 facial muscles are important in smiling or frowning is a bit arbitrary--many make only minor contributions, and depending on the intensity of the expression may not be involved at all. I've listed here the ones Song feels are important, as corroborated by other sources. Muscles involved in a "zygomatic" (i.e., genuine) smile: Zygomaticus major and minor. These muscles pull up the corners of the mouth. They're bilateral (one set on either side of the face). Total number of muscles: 4. Orbicularis oculi. One of these muscles encircles each eye and causes crinkling. Total: 2. Levator labii superioris. Pulls up corner of lip and nose. Bilateral. Total: 2. Levator anguli oris. Also helps elevate angle of mouth. Bilateral. Total: 2. Risorius. Pulls corner of mouth to the side. Bilateral. Total: 2. Grand total for smiling: 12. Principal muscles involved in a frown: Orbicularis oculi (again). Total: 2. Platysma. Pulls down lips and wrinkles skin of lower face. Bilateral (though joined at midline). Total: 2. Corrugator supercilii (bilateral) and procerus (unilateral). Furrow brow. Total: 3. Orbicularis oris. Encircles mouth; purses lips. Unilateral. Total: 1. Mentalis. Depresses lower lip. Unilateral. Total: 1. Depressor anguli oris. Pulls corner of mouth down. Bilateral. Total: 2. Grand total for frowning: 11. Despite the fact that smiling uses more muscles, Song believes it takes less effort than frowning--people tend to smile more frequently, so the relevant muscles are in better shape. You may feel this conclusion assumes a rosier view of the human condition than the facts warrant, but I defer to the doctor. Incidentally, a superficial, homecoming-queen smile requires little more than the two risorius muscles. So if your goal in expressing emotion is really to minimize effort, go for insincere.