An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.

Every church I have worked with as a consultant has been filled with good people who care about each other. That is their strength; it is also their weakness. They are so good they will put up with people that no one else on earth will put up with. Because of their goodness, they attract a handful of neurotic, mean-spirited, self- centered people who do everything in their power to control what happens in the church. When the church finally gets fed up with them and does something they do not like, over their heated protest, they get mad and leave the church. Almost every church that begins to grow after a long-term decline experiences someone storming out of the church during the transition.

A fellow who's just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the assembled media. "Excuse me, sir," one of the reporters said, "but how did you come to live to 150? "It's actually quite simple," the old feller replied. "I just never argue." "That's impossible," the reporter responded. "There must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 150 years!" The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several seconds. "Hmmm," he finally shrugged, "maybe you're right."

A knight and his men returned to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

There is a very interesting type of conflict resolution that is prescribed by law in certain states in the United States but is not often used because it is not much liked by lawyers. In normal conflict situations, both parties start at extreme positions knowing that they will gradually bargain and fight their way to a middle or compromise position. A great deal of time, effort, and expense is involved. In the alternative method the conflicting parties never meet. Each party "designs" the most reasonable "outcome" or conclusion. Both outcomes are placed before a judge or arbitrator. This person has to choose to the most "reasonable" of the proposed outcomes. Clearly if one suggested outcome is unreasonable and the other is reasonable then the reasonable outcome wins. So both parties try their hardest to "design" a reasonable outcome. All the effort which might have previously gone into fighting now goes into "design". If both parties do a good job of designing a reasonable outcome then it probably does not much matter which one is chosen by the judge. The interesting point about this procedure is that all the emphasis is placed on design instead of argument.

Advice to husbands on how to handle marital disputes. Decide if you want to be right or if you want to be happy.

Ron used to tell his new member's class: "Stay here for a year or less & someone's gonna make you mad. Then we'll see how much of Jesus you have."

The executive pastor must take the shots because it preserves the church. It's almost impossible for someone to go to First Assembly in North Little Rock and have a problem with Alton Garrison. They can not like me and still feel good about Alton.

My friend Bill Hybels has taught me the importance of helping teams develop a strategy for talking about tough issues without damaging the people involved. The following are phrases that have evolved out of the Willow Creek leadership teams. You will find several you can use on your team. I also hope you will develop some key phrases for your own use. "Language That Preserves Community" When you hear an idea that sounds crazy at first, say "Help me understand." This keeps the focus on the idea without making a premature judgment about the validity of the idea. It also keeps us from making light of what another person really believes will be helpful. When someone is being dogmatic about an issue, say "Can I push back on that a little bit?" This phrase reminds everyone that all ideas are open to discussion, and that it isn't fair to the team to shut down the discussion. When presenting a big risk or a radical idea, say "Give me an umbrella of mercy here." In other words, "Don't laugh out loud." An idea deserves to be heard without immediately shooting it out of the sky. When there's a general uneasiness in the meeting, say "There's an elephant in the room." We've all been in those meetings where we sensed some tension and everyone pretended it wasn't there. This phrase gives permission to acknowledge that tension, which then opens the door to address and resolve it. When someone is whining, blaming, or rehashing the obvious, say "Can we get on the solution side of this problem?" I'm always amazed at people who think that seeing a problem that is obvious to everyone is some kind of gift. Once the problem has been identified, the only discussions worth pursuing are those that can lead to resolving the problem. When you need to speak hard truth, say "With your permission, I'd like to give you the last ten percent." This phrase is built on the premise that the first ninety percent of what we need to tell one another is easy. It is the last ten percent that is usually left unsaid because it is so hard to say. Asking for permission to share the hard part puts the responsibility for growth on the shoulders of the person who will receive the last ten percent. They then have the option of receiving it, or saying, "Now is not a good time for me emotionally. Can we do it another time?" Either way, everyone knows there is unfinished business, and healthy relationships are strengthened as we "speak the truth in love" to one another. After a difficult meeting, say "Are we alright with each other?" We've all been in situations where we got a little too passionate about an issue, or phrased responses in ways that were too strong, and inadvertently wounded people around us. This phrase reminds us that relationships are primary. To reach every one of our goals and lose our friendships in the process would be a hollow victory. Caring about the answer to this question insures we all reach the goal line together. This article is used by permission from Dr. John C. Maxwell's free monthly e-newsletter 'Leadership Wired' available at www.INJOY.com.

"Don't take the wrong side of an argument just because your opponent has taken the right side."

Contrary to popular myth, great teams are not characterized by an absence of conflict. On the contrary, in my experience, one of the most reliable indicators of a team that is continually learning is the visible conflict of ideas. In great teams, conflict becomes productive. … On the other hand, in mediocre teams, one of two conditions usually surround conflict. Either, there is an appearance of no conflict on the surface, or there is rigid polarization. In the "smooth surface" teams, members believe that they must supress their conflicting views in order to maintain the team--if each person spoke her or his mind, the team would be torn apart by irreconcilable differences. The polarized team is one where managers "speak out," but conflicting views are deeply entrenched. Everyone knows where everyone else stands, and there is little movement.

Smart Pills As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out. He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth, as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible, making yum yum noises. The bully, without asking, snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?" "Well, they're smart pills." "Smart pills?" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. "Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit turds!!" "See, you're getting smarter already."

"If two friends ask you to judge a dispute, don't accept, because you will lose one friend; on the other hand, if two strangers come with the same request, accept because you will gain one friend."

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes 8!" Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm." Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke." "Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!" Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million." "Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back. "Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

“An ambassador to France, [Benjamin Franklin] was the most sought-after man in Paris. But was Franklin always this popular? Hardly. In his autobiography he describes himself as a blundering young man—uncouth and unattractive. In Philadelphia one day an old Quaker friend took young Franklin aside and lashed him with these words: “Ben, you are impossible. Your opinions have a slap in them for everyone who differs with you. Your friends find they enjoy themselves better when you are not around.” One of the finest things we know about Franklin is the way he accepted that smarting rebuke. He was wise enough to realize that he was headed for failure and social disaster, and by applying himself to the laws of friendship, he turned himself completely around.”

In some churches there is “an unwritten and unspoken rule that said, ‘It is better to be nice than honest’.” “If you speak about the problem out loud, you are the problem.” “The truth is, when people talk about problems out loud, they don't cause them, they simply expose them.”

Thursday, March 18, 2004 Posted: 11:30 PM EST (0430 GMT) STATESBORO, Georgia (AP) -- A couple who got into a dispute over a theological point after watching "The Passion of the Christ" were arrested after the argument turned violent. The two left the movie theater debating whether God the Father in the Holy Trinity was human or symbolic, and the argument heated up when they got home, Melissa Davidson said. "It was the dumbest thing we've ever done," she said. Davidson, 34, and her husband, Sean Davidson, 33, were charged with simple battery on March 11 after the two called police on each other. They were released on $1,000 bail. According to a police report, Melissa Davidson suffered injuries on her arm and face, while her husband had a scissors stab wound on his hand and his shirt was ripped off. He also allegedly punched a hole in a wall. "Really, it was kind of a pitiful thing, to go to a movie like that and fight about it. I think they missed the point," said Gene McDaniel, chief sheriff's deputy.

The unforgivable crime is soft hitting. Do not hit at all if it can be avoided; but never hit softly.

Men are never so likely to settle a question rightly as when they discuss it freely.

The church also communicates ungrace through its lack of unity. Mark Twain used to say that he put a cat and a dog in a cage together as an experiment, to see if they could get along. They did, so he put in a bird, pig and goat. They, too, got along fine after a few adjustments. Then he put a Baptist, Presbyterian, and Catholic; soon there was not a living thing. – What’s So Amazing About Grace, p. 33

One who brandishes a pistol must be prepared to shoot. -- Herbert Hoover, 1931

Let him who desires peace prepare for war. – Vegetius,375

One sword keeps another in the sheath. – George Herbert, 1651

Pastor's Armor Bearers Take On Controversial Role Personal Assistants Said To Be Intimidating POSTED: 9:19 p.m. EDT August 25, 2004 UPDATED: 9:29 p.m. EDT August 25, 2004 SANFORD, N.C. -- It took two and a half weeks to arrest a local pastor accused of murdering his wife. Deputies said church members did not cooperate in the investigation of Melvin Bynum. Investigators said members of the congregation were afraid of Bynum and his bodyguards, or so-called armor bearers. Kim Lytes is a former member of Cry Out Loud Ministries. She said Bynum, like some other pastors, has a handful of men dedicated to serving -- and protecting -- him. Lytes said she never feared his armor bearers. But she admitted they can be intimidating because they are big -- just like her brother, who once trained to be one. "If I actually say what I want to say about the other guys, I'd probably be in a lot of trouble," Lytes said. When asked why a pastor would need protection, Lytes said: "In this world today, you never know what might happen." Pastor Paul hosts a radio talk show in Sanford. He said he recently was roughed up by another pastor's armor bearers. He said the concept has gotten out of hand. "In the extreme, and we're seeing a lot of it lately, these armor bearers are acting like bodyguards," Paul said, "almost like Mafia hitmen. "Somebody has to stand up and say this garbage doesn't represent Christianity as a whole." Pastor LeRoy Hargett said armor bearers can be traced to the Bible. He said violence and intimidation are not the intent. "In first Samuel, you see that Saul had armor bearers," Hargett said. "It's not meant to intimidate anyone else. It's meant to defend your leader from demonic attacks. "It's more a spiritual thing." It is a spiritual concept that some believe is taking on a life of its own. In addition to providing security, armor bearers act as personal assistants. They often drive a car or carry the Bible for the pastor.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

To Dr. James Culross, president of the Union, Spurgeon wrote, I have followed out our Lord's mind as to private remonstrances by seeing Presidents and Secretary on former occasions, and I have written my remonstrances again and again without avail. I had no course but to withdraw. Surely, no sane person thinks that I should have made a tour to deal with the individual errorists. I have no jurisdiction over them, and should have been regarded as offensively intrusive if I had gone to them; and justly so. My question is with the Union, and with that alone. I have dealt with it all along. <i>my thoughts: Spurgeon was defending his resignation from the Baptist Union very well against a charge which arises too often today--an attempt to distract from the real issue by a spurious appeal to Matthew 18. He had talked with the leaders with whom he was in relationship and was under no obligation to go to those he had a theological complaint against (nor was it reasonable for him to do so).</i>

Argue as if you are right and listen as if you are wrong.

Give Me A Straightforward Adversary

Gentlemen, I do not mind being contradicted, and I am unperturbed when I am attacked, but I confess I have slight misgivings when I hear myself being explained.