[The really intense events leading up to Armageddon are supposed to take years to play out. Here is a more fast-paced version.] 8:00AM- Rapture: Doors of Heaven open; earth's righteous begin to rise to paradise. Dan Quayle briefly hovers five inches above the floor, then collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, "Ha!" 8:02AM-Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky. 8:13AM-Taco Bell chihuahua calls a press conference to concede that he is the Antichrist. Then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and bulgy eyes and people find him irresistible anyway. 9:04AM-Global economy collapses-except in case of Dilbert products, which continue to sell briskly. 9:45AM-All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously. 10:40AM-Abyss opens, releasing foreboding cloud of black smoke and plague of disgusting flavored sports drinks. Oceans and lakes turn to blood. 11:32AM-In emergency arbitration, Miller Lite is declared "less filling". 11:47AM-Sun becomes black as "sackcloth of hair", Moon becomes as blood. 12:00 NOON-Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all seat backs and tray tables to their upright and locked positions." 12:03PM-Arrival of forces of good is covered live on CNN, tipping evil off as to their location and ruining any chance of ambush. 1:11PM-Beeping Tamagotchi pets begin demanding human flesh. 2:46PM-Rampaging looters are surprised by the softer side of Sears. 3:18PM-Saddam Hussein take Kuwait again; U.S. issues a statement formally not giving a damn. 3:21PM-Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out eyes of infants and elderly. 4:56PM-Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service. 5:20PM-Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little things about droughts. 6:12PM-the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break up when Pestilence starts dating Baby Spice. 7:16PM-Jewel dies quietly on the toilet. 9:27PM-God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed and kicks his ass. 10:00PM-Todays winning Lotto numbers are announced. Congrats, you won!!!! 10:42PM-Shari Lewis' head suddenly appears in place of left hand of Lamb. 11:30PM-God finally answers all the big questions (e.g., is it ever OK to break up over the phone?). 12:00MIDNIGHT-Tied in the World Series, Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs meet in the seventh game, and-with two out and the score tied in the bottom of the ninth-the world blows up. 12:03AM-In deepest space, fleshy shreds of The Artist Formerly Known as Prince rename themselves "Susan."