These are quotes which stood out to me, possibly for use in a sermon someday. Their presence here does not mean I agree with them, it merely shows that I might want to reference them later. The default view is five random selections. Use the tag list on the right to view all quotes relevant to that theme.
A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
Let's Imagine - It's time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here's the scoop on three leading candidates. Candidate A: + Associates with ward healers and consults with astrologists. + He's had two mistresses. + He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B: + Was kicked out of office twice. + Sleeps until noon. + Used opium in college. + Drinks a quart of brandy every evening. Candidate C: + Is a decorated war hero. + He's a vegetarian + Doesn't smoke, + Drinks an occasional beer + Hasn't had any illicit affairs. Which of these candidates is your choice? You don't really need any more information, do you? Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt Candidate B is Winston Churchill Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? He doesn't believe in dogs. Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back! How can you recognize a burned-out hippie? He used to take acid, now he takes antacid. How far can a dog run into the forest? Half way, then he would be running out. How much dirt is in a hole 4 feet deep and 2 feet wide? There is no dirt in a hole. The one who makes it, sells it. The one who buys it, never uses it. The one that uses it, never knows that he's using it. What is it? A coffin. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do fish play on the piano? Scales. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? A receding hareline. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What do you throw out when you want to use it, but take in when you don't want to use it? An anchor. What has more lives than a cat? A frog. It croaks every night. What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now? Decomposing. What is the biggest ant? An elephant. What is three feet long? A yard. What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? Wet ones. What won't break if you throw off the highest building in the world, but will break if you place it in the ocean? A tissue. What's better than the best thing and worse than the worst thing? Nothing. What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat?" It's raining cats and dogs. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich? Because the poor had no money
TOP TEN CHRISTIAN PICK-UP LINES 10. "I just don't feel called to celibacy." 9. "Did I tell you that my great-uncle was a personal friend of Billy Graham?" 8. "I don't see it myself, but people tell me I look like Michael W. Smith." 7. "What do you think Paul meant when he said, 'Greet everyone with a holy kiss'?" 6. "You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa." (DO NOT get this confused!) 5. "You know, I'm really into relationship evangelism." 4. "I'm pretty flexible--I don't think a woman should be submissive on the first date." 3. "Before tonight, I never believed in predestination..." 2. "Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical." 1. "I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight."
Human waste has bedeviled NASA engineers from the get-go. Alan Shepherd's first 15-minute suborbital flight was so short that no one thought to install a urine receptacle in his space suit. At T-minus 15 minutes, an electrical problem caused an 86-minute delay on the launchpad. Shepherd's bladder soon reached the bursting point, and he radioed the first-ever "Houston, we have a problem" message. After some deliberation, mission control had an answer: "Do it in the suit."